What’s That Werewolf Movie with E.T.’s Mom in It?

The Howling (1981)

We’re off to Dick Miller’s lycanthrope lore bookstore for Joe Dante’s 1981 werewolf picture, The Howling—an identity-shifting story born of the original book’s writer, Gary Brandner, who stated, “We all have two faces: our public face, and our private face,” and revealed his motto, “It’s always, ‘Oh no, I’m a werewolf,’ or ‘Oh no, there’s a werewolf,’ but it’s never, ‘We’re all werewolves.’”

Intriguingly, The Howling’s werewolves are able to shift their shapes purely by choice, and their werewolfery is in no way linked to the lunar cycle, so their transformations are apparently allegorical of an embraced, alternative, lycanthropic lifestyle, and act as metaphors for any behaviour considered unsavoury by ’80s mainstream society. It’s condemning cultures that repress our natural urges, and simultaneously skewering quack psychotherapy as an ineffective form of oppression and control, whilst also targeting the exploitative extortion by the movement’s money-grubbing maharishis. The Howling has been latterly labelled as a parody of pop psychology, and the self-help gurus of the era. John Sayles—known for his subversive, satirical subtexts buried within the Piranha and Alligator screenplays, penned a picture that can be retroactively read as a fearful demonisation of sex—equating sexuality to monstrosity; a loss of control, where giving into carnal urges, erotic taboos, and indulging in intercourse outside of traditional marital relationships is sinful and depraved.

The Howling depicts a grotesque, almost sexually-transmitted werewolfery. The retreat where Dr George Waggner—namesake of the original Wolf Man director, does very little to help matters, with his colony’s cove-dwelling clients ultimately turning into serial killers, and insatiable nymphomaniacs. Again, the post-structuralists and subtextual film critics invariably have a field day with the Eighties, and love to leap to jejune conclusions, but the fact of the matter is 1981’s American Werewolf and The Howling were a smidge too early to consciously coincide with the advent of AIDS, or to make any intentional allusions to the human immunodeficiency virus. During the mid-to-late ’80s, particularly when it had anything to do with body horror, HIV was cited as an underlying theme. Most famously, the blood test paranoia of John Carpenter’s The Thing (1982), and more speculatively, A Nightmare on Elm Street 2: Freddy’s Revenge (1985), David Cronenberg’s re-imagining of The Fly (1986), The Lost Boys (1987), and The Blob (1988) remake. However, back in ’81, AIDS was not yet firmly in the public consciousness. Of course, in retrospect, many viewers saw these two movies during their video rental and VHS purchase era, which would have synched up with the panic precisely, and undoubtedly shaped perceptions.

Long gone were the shoes and socks lap dissolves of Larry Talbot—played frustratingly, time and time again, by serial ham and cheese sandwich, Lon Chaney Jr, originally in 1941’s The Wolf Man with its contrived camera trickery and convenient cutting to illustrate a human shifting shape. As of 1981 we could see an elongating change-o-head snout stretching, rubbery feet elongating, and reverse hair sprouting. Not only could it now be achieved seamlessly on screen, but these two werewolfery depictions by the maestro; professorial master, Rick Baker’s An American Werewolf in London, and his protégé, the student understudy, Rob Bottin’s The Howling are two for the ages—they are, to this day, the duo to beat, and despite the advent of CGI, there’s no one, and nothing remotely close.

The Howling is an aptly suggestive take on the werewolf picture. As a warning, there’s a lot of chatter, and not a ton of action, but when we do get a transformation, it’s a prolonged, graphic, real-time indulgence. One could argue The Howling suffers from this excess as its pièce de résistance is a three-minute morphing sequence, in which Dee Wallace helplessly stands there petrified, and like us, witnesses the rubbery, lupine metamorphosis of Eddie Quist. It’s an unbelievable premise to have Karen simply stand there frozen; dumbfounded, glaring like an audience member while this all plays out. Granted, she’s petrified, mesmerised, or even hypnotised, but aside from the astounding effects, story-wise, the whole debacle adds up to very little, as Dee simply chucks acid in its face and flees. As illogical as this sounds, the scene still plays, and it’s impressive as hell. Dramatically speaking, this shapeshift seems somewhat stagey in comparison to American Werewolf’s private, pain-drenched transformation of David Kessler, which still tops my list.

Yet, some say it’s level-pegging between The Howling and American Werewolf. Pitting them against one another, The Howling scores points for its entirely in-camera bubbling rubber, and lumbering bipedal creature, and American Werewolf gets major props for its two and a half-minute metamorphosis, fully-lit under the fluorescent bulbs of Alex Price’s living room. In contrast, The Howling’s morph occurs partially veiled by its darkened, shadowy office setting. In my book, Rick takes the gross cake, although one could argue Baker’s protégé and student, Bottin’s practical skills surpassed his teacher’s with his show-stopping, breakdown-inducing, gooey, bladdery, pulsating practical effects work on The Thing the following year, and this could be a case of one artist spectacularly peaking as the other steadily climbs, and eventually passes their peer at the summit of a makeup effects mountain.

I responded to The Howling’s conceit that a media news team of investigative journalists; presenters, newsmen and women, and photographers are investigating this bizarre phenomena because they diligently read up on leads in a library, they record conversations, they do their research, and it was a diverting way of getting the exposition out. Dee Wallace is brilliantly expressive and empathetic as Karen White—a television anchorwoman, emotionally disturbed by frightening phone calls, and a risky undercover, faux-street walking encounter, in which she faced off with a murderous maniac.

White can’t conquer her amnesia, and only sees glimpses of the perpetrator in her dreams and visions, so her therapist, played nobly by Steed from The Avengers (no, not that one)—also Oasis’s chauffeur in the “Don’t Look Back in Anger” video, sends her to a retreat reserved for exclusive patients. Unbeknownst to Karen, she is soon drawn into a surreptitious, sexual subculture of werewolves, and must attend sorrowful, yet saucy soirées with beach barbecues, brazen hippy chicks, and folksy bluegrass-tinged makeouts. There’s some truly great moments of poignancy, with The Howling’s lycanthropes being so depressed that when we reach the cove, suicidal fogeys whinge about their old teeth before attempting suicide by bonfire. They’re completely over the idea. Even the werewolf therapist actively seeks to die by silver bullet, and attempts a suicide by cop—almost, leaving the rifle and silver bullet-toting Dennis Dugan no option but to quite literally “put him down,” vet-style.

It’s not exactly on the nose (or snout), but we can palpably feel Dante’s reverence of, and references to the B movie genre fare he loves so much. The humour comes through in shrewd, self-aware flourishes like Dee Wallace sighing, “Hmmm” to herself before making the inevitable, dumb horror movie decision to investigate a strange noise. We feel privy to Karen’s brief indecision, followed by her scary movie character-indulgence. She might as well behave like she’s a girl in an Italian gialli, or an early slasher. Dante knows full well the only reason Dee’s doing it is because she’s in a werewolf picture—and because he knows, wealso know—and because he wants us to know, we’re just as accepting of it as he is. I sensed Dante’s gaze during the scene; I felt him nudging my shoulder and throwing a wink, and it made me feel included as opposed to frustrated with such a tired trope.

Although we do detect a few Gremlins-inspiring Pino Donaggio music cues during nightmare sequences, this is another world for Dante fans raised on his festive mogwai, ExplorersInnerspace, and The ’Burbs. We can, however, happily spot the Dante stable regulars—Robert Picardo (forever the Cowboy from Innerspace to me) as Quist, Kevin McCarthy as an acerbic newsroom producer, and last but not least, the immortal “that guy,” Dick Miller as a crotchety bookshop sage. By my calculations, Miller is the key to Joe’s trademark tone. As the Dante saying goes, “If there’s no scene for Dick, then why make the picture?” Levity inevitably finds its way in, with Bill hopping from vegetarian to carnivore the day after he’s bitten by a werewolf. It’s also a laugh spotting the Forrest J Ackerman (Famous Monsters of Filmland mags), Roger Corman (phone box man), and John Sayles (flippant coroner) cameos.

Originally, the climactic barn face-off was packed to the rafters with topless werewolf women, but Wallace had a limited nudity clause in her contract—which apparently applied to the movie as a whole, and alerted producer, Mike Finnell, who agreed it was gratuitous and vetoed the bosoms, declaring, “She’s right. It’s stupid. Put some clothes on.” Despite attempts to curb some exploitation elements, as with hairy-handed adolescent pleasures, there’s an intrinsic, lewd voyeurism to The Howling. It’s the sleaziest Joe Dante got, with an extended, explicit grindhouse depiction of a female rape—the victim naked and bound. Prolonged, graphic sexual torture is not what you’d expect from the director of Small Soldiers and Looney Tunes: Back in Action. This ain’t Gremlins 2: The New BatchThe Howling requires patience, and an open mind, but it’s brief, I believe highly significant, and delivered some of the finest werewolf imagery ever seen.

As her last act of service as a human being, Karen boldly goes back on telly to unveil the secret werewolf society; warning the public, before sacrificially transforming live on air to convince any unbelievers—turning into the cutest she-wolf ever. Dugan knows he must kill her, and Dee knows it too. Although American Werewolf’s dark denouement is not without sentiment, and has a pathos of its own at the death, it can’t stack up to the way Dante’s film concludes. The Howling partly boasts a stronger ending because American Werewolf opted for an appropriately abrupt close—albeit with a lack of sophistication, irony, wit, or any global consequence of the story we’ve just witnessed. An American Werewolf in London bows out with a provocative and sudden conclusion—a real kick in the guts. In contrast, The Howling winds down in a much more satisfying, satirically sagacious and mischievous fashion. The Howling’s finale flits from heartbreaking sadness to all out body horror, and then a matter-of-fact, jet-black comedy before the credits appear. It’s a punch—powerful and poignant, with a humorous sting in the wolf’s tail; a chuckle-inducing coda with a deadpan bent to it, all the while resonating and reverberating in our minds as Dante’s rare hamburger patty sizzles through our recovering subconscious. It had to go last of my picks as there’s unquestionably no finer climax in werewolf cinema.

I’m Not Like Other Guys

Michael Jackson’s Thriller (1983)

What’s the first thing your mind conjures when Hallowe’en creeps around the autumnal corner? For me it’s either the song “Thriller,” or the iconic imagery from its 1983 companion promo. Despite Jacko’s Jesus juice-addled, baby-dangling plummet from grace, it remains the undisputed, greatest music video of all time, with no real contenders or pretenders to the throne. Yeah, it veers more into zombie territory, but it also arguably depicts one of the three, top-tier werewolf transformations of all-time, and certainly one of the most well known in pop culture. Iconic doesn’t even scratch the surface—record sales, the Thriller album cover, the audience views on MTV were through the roof. It’s a clear example of music and visuals interlocking so inseperably, and the art and the iconography being so momentous, that we can almost turn a blind eye to MJ’s alleged atrocities—for the 14-minute duration anyway.

Thriller is a cornucopia of horror; a mashup packed with shout-outs to the hounds of hell, zombies, werewolves—or perhaps cat people, corpses, a haunted house, and showcases an alarming, foam rubber shapeshift—the werewolf, or arguably werecat here. It’s fairly feline, with prominent, extending whiskers, and memorably shows Michael in cat-like, yellow contact lenses. We’ve got spooky, mist-engulfed graveyards, cars breaking down, a grave emergence, Fred Astaire-inspired choreography, the sinister tones of Vincent Price, and a bassline that makes you wanna freaky deaky, right? Also, it boasts American Werewolf’s key crew of John Landis—who also made “Black or White” for MJ in 1991, cinematographer Robert Paynter, and Rick Baker’s special effects, which lead on perfectly from the previous picture. Stuff to spot for the sticklers and geeks—several makeup appliances were taken from American Werewolf and repurposed for the “Thriller” video, including the clawed hand appliance that extends over the porno cinema chair, which was reused on Jackson himself.

Say what you will about certified kook, Michael Jackson, and the controversy surrounding the bloke, but the magnitude of Thriller is undeniable, and the perfect example of an artist’s work transcending their problematic persona. If Jacko freaks you out, so be it! It’s Hallowe’en. What other night of the year would be more appropriate to be psychologically perturbed by the presence of Mike in your living room? All those disturbing claims and events aside, talk about commitment to the bit. Whatever you think of him, the devotion to the music, dedication to the video, the uncomfortable makeup appliances, and the art of it all is incontestable. It will endure; live, and last forever. Codswallop about a mere two nose jobs aside, MJ had a chilling physical transformation of his own—the vitiligo skin tone shift, an evident slew of surgeries—everything became altered as his career progressed, or perhaps deteriorated. Factor in the accusations during his life, and the damning Leaving Neverland revelations after his death, one could argue Michael became monstrous himself. I’d refer you to my piece on Captain EO and Moonwalker for an extended take on the nightmarish, poptastic clout of Jackson.

Beware the Moon, Lads

An American Werewolf in London (1981)

I recall being disturbed by the menacing and intimidating VHS cover of An American Werewolf in London in my local video shop, Cav’s. That black box with understated purple text and blood-red 18 certificate, and a monster resembling greasy kebab meat. So much so, that I never reached for the top shelf, or plucked up the guts to audaciously point it out to my mum as a potentially sensible rental. For as long as a decade or so after that, I’d only seen its wildly-inferior, shockingly shite, 1997 sequel, An American Werewolf in Paris.

It wasn’t until 2007, prepping my MA graduation short, The Wilds, that my head of year, Nick Wright, suggested I seek out the Landis original as both films dealt with cryptid attacks in Northern England, and American Werewolf was clearly his go-to genre reference. My ten-minute short had absolutely nothing in the way of humour—although the Farmer protagonist wisecracking “Nine lives, my arse” like John McClane or Arnie might’ve let slip, was jokingly considered as a daft quip. However, I did pinch American Werewolf‘s painterly, neatly-composed opening establishing shots, but little else, as we were armed only with a dummy panther tail, and drastically under-crewed and underfunded for an ambitious creature effort—we did, however, shoot an actual deceased black calf from an abattoir with a 12 bore shotgun at 70fps hoping it would look acceptable. What I would’ve given for a panther-headed rug we could’ve turned into a rudimentary, hand-puppeted, big cat noggin for close-ups. My ace cinematographer, Adam Conlon, and I even momentarily contemplated the title, Blood of an Englishman—a direct quote from American Werewolf.

A handful of American Werewolf’s actors were treading the boards in Nicholas Nickleby at the time, and Landis judiciously plucked them from our revered Royal Shakespeare Company. You’ve also got the godlike genius, Rick Mayall, in an early, subdued role, and the preeminent cinematic Yorkshireman, Kes’s P.E. teacher, Brian Glover, at the same table, playing chess in the pub, and we wonder if that’s where the pair first became friends. Perhaps that’s the explanation for Glover’s madcap appearance as Richie and Eddie’s irate neighbour, Mr Rottweiler, in one of my favourite Bottom episodes, “Gas.”

The locals gawk at the two young yanks as they barge into the Slaughtered Lamb and eyeball them as if they’re from another world. They’re made to look like—and may as well be astronauts to these village folk in this classic, western saloon gag. The premise is somewhat of an echo of an early experience for Landis on the Kelly’s Heroes set where the upstart was working in an early role and experienced a Gypsy funeral and its unorthodox burial, which was superstitiously conducted to ensure a violent criminal’s corpse wouldn’t subsequently rise from its grave and cause further havoc. American Werewolf plays on an incredulous belief in legend, hokum, and claptrap, but muddles it with the smart, horror picture conceit that it all turns out to be shockingly true, and these smug, educated, seemingly advanced Americans fall foul of powers and supernatural workings they can never fully believe in or understand.

1981 ushered in more practical, modern day werewolf tales, and introduced agonising mutations featuring distinctly lupine beasts—all gnashers and noses; hulking and monstrous. Transformationally-speaking, American Werewolf is the absolute pinnacle. Not even Rob Bottin’s real-time Howling shapeshift can compete with David’s agonised “burning up” transformation. The sudden, painful pang that strikes as he first begins to morph, followed by the terrifying, stretchy snout, and malleable-footed freak show in Jenny Agguter’s flat, that still churns the stomach almost 45 years later. At one point, David disturbingly reaches out to the camera lens as if he wants us; the audience to help him, but we’re powerless.

I definitely didn’t fall in love with American Werewolf instantly, and I must confess to finding the film clunky and clumsy in parts. I’m also not completely taken in by John Landis. The Twilight Zone tragedy and its weighty blame aside, I don’t believe I’d like to spend any time in his company. Having dinner with that bloke would be a real chore. Landis has an obnoxious, odious manner in interviews that I frequently find repellent. The “non-stop orgy” of the See You Next Wednesday segment heralds a revealingly sleazy tone born of the lascivious Landis just wanting Brenda Bristols to get her jugs out. He seems proud to be an arse. Landis has such an irksome, abrasive personality, and a crude, unfinished directing style that lacks subtlety. However, for a movie like American Werewolf, perhaps that’s precisely what was required.

Early Eighties London seems so seedy, with jazz mags at newspaper stands, and adult cinemas adorning Piccadilly Circus. I do enjoy the peculiar interactions in the porno theatre. It’s unorthodox, funny, and dark, with the prolonged carnal moaning in the background juxtaposed throughout. The chirpy and courteous, yet fiendishly undead “Hello” couple basically invent Edgar Wright, and give birth to Shaun o the Dead’s entire comedic/horrific aesthetic with a single line of exquisitely delivered dialogue, and the three homeless fellas—Alf, Ted, and Joseph glint in the shadows of the cinema as they’re creepily cajoling David into topping himself. If you’re attuned to the cadence, “You must take your own life” even has audible shades of Shaun‘s Peter Serafinowicz.

Buses are spinning, drivers are in car crashes—getting hurled through their windscreens, and run over, lying bloody on the floor. Frantic pedestrians can only watch helplessly as Hieronymus Bosch chaos ensues. The wolf is loose—nipping at bystanders’ ankles. That head copper takes one in the jugular, and gets his head bitten off. It’s basically bumper cars in Leicester Square with a mad dog dashing about. It’s astonishing how little we glimpse the creature when it’s all broken down. We probably see more of the shark in Jaws, and that’s one of the reasons American Werewolf is still so effective. It’s not that you couldn’t do it now, it’s that there’s no restraint anymore. In a time where computer geekery can arguably accomplish anything, filmmakers opt to show everything. They can, so they do. They show their workings, and eliminate all mystique.

Like Roger Corman once said, “When the monster is dead, the movie is officially over.” American Werewolf’s wrap-up has little consideration for the audience. Granted, Agutter’s reaction is moving, and we feel for the gunned-down David, and accept the foregone conclusion of his werewolfery, but it feels like a disturbed double-decker with no brakes careering into a shopfront. American Werewolf’s clipped conclusion leaves viewers with a peculiar, unsorted feeling hanging in the air, and that’s partly why it’s my penultimate pick, as opposed to the final entry. Ebert didn’t jive with how sudden Landis rolled his credits, and although I concede certain crowds prefer a softener, they, along with a chunk of critics, often mistake a blunt wrap up for a film devoid of professionalism. Tell that to Cronenberg’s The Fly, or the downbeat, sobering climax of Easy Rider, or the rapid, hard cut of Tobe Hooper’s original Texas Chain Saw Massacre.

A potentially profound video essay by Jon Spira on the Arrow 4K disc argues American Werewolfmay hold a covert meaning. In Germany, the wolf is a brawny, indigenous, loyal protector as well as the name of a racist paramilitary group. The name “Adolf” means “noble wolf,” and Hitler would even refer to himself as such. His military headquarters in East Prussia was named, “The Wolf Lair.” The “Radio Werewolf” station was utilised by Nazi propaganda minister, Goebbels. “Wolf packs” were encouraged to hunt down enemies of the state. Curt Siodmak had been a successful novelist in Germany, and used The Wolf Man as a literary vehicle to explore his own wartime demons—where ordinarily decent men were turned into murderous animals. Siodmak laid out the werewolf lore that would follow for decades to come, and is cited and mimicked to this day. Many of Curt’s rules didn’t stem from folklore, he created them. Infectious bites, silver bullets, and tellingly, the pentagram forseen in the palm of a victim’s hand—those marked for death in Nazi Germany were forced to wear five-pointed yellow stars.

It’s worth wondering, is Landis wielding this loaded imagery, subtext, and historic context of the wolf to present a hairy, antisemitic Jewish allegory? David is a man in a country that doesn’t seem to want him, and drifts, disturbed by the murder of his best friend. The cheeky nurse’s subtle but perceptible, Eighties intolerance as she blurts out, “I think he’s a Jew” still lands palpably, suggesting some kind of surreptitious subterfuge. Is it an impudent throwaway (literally) foreskin quip, or an authorial hint at the public’s suspicion of the unrecognisably foreign—as sneaky wolves in sheep’s clothing?

The Hardy Boys Meet Reverend Werewolf

Silver Bullet (1985)

Silver Bullet, along with the second wave of ’80s werewolves, would satirise and skewer the social, political, and economic shifts of Ronald Reagan’s (the actor!?) time in office—the, lets face it, truism that seemingly harmonious groups shield scandalous secrets. Reagan’s policies were founded upon the principles of family, church, and community. King sinks his teeth into the patriarchal governments we’ve installed through the democratic process, and paints them as not only corrupt, but attests they actively pursue our destruction, with all social institutions—schools, marriages, and workplaces, each capable of descending into sick sideshows of self-serving rapacity, greed, and savagery.

The shapeshifting concept of the werewolf is ideal for exploring themes of evil masquerading as civil, and demonic disguised as human. Here, it’s wickedness lurking beneath the surface of idyllic, white Christian cliques in what has been coined “community horror.” At this point of the Eighties, there could very well be grotesque brutes, cannibals, or sadistic, murderous families in your neighbourhood. The Howlinghelmer, Joe Dante’s paranoia (or is it) picture, The ‘Burbs, along with the unforgettably slimy and satirical Society certainly expressed this, but it was perhaps David Lynch, who temptingly and skin-crawlingly articulated it best with the opening bits of Blue Velvet.

My initial reaction to 1985’s Silver Bullet was, God I wish this was better. I’d pencilled in Teen Wolf from the same year for my 6pm slot, thinking a gentler take on the lycanthrope would cater to younger audiences, and diversify my picks, but Fox and company didn’t pass my sensory test either—in spite of me making extensive notes on Rod Daniel’s retrospectively rich, satirical Reaganite capitalist skewering. I also seriously considered the original 1941 Lon Chaney Jr. picture, The Wolf Man, for its authenticity, brief runtime, and iconic status, but ’80s werewolves prevailed as they’re more provocative, wacky, watchable, and let’s face it, despite a recent deluge, neither before (unless you’re partial to the tamer originals), nor since (unless you have a real fondness for the early 2000s cluster of Ginger SnapsDog Soldiers, and the diminishing returns of the Underworldfranchise), has there been a stronger run of werewolf pictures than the ’81-’85 period. The HowlingAn American Werewolf in LondonMichael Jackson’s ThrillerThe Company of WolvesTeen Wolf, and Silver Bullet stand as the meatiest of the mob, and intriguingly reveal a great deal about American life.

In his sort of extended dissertation thesis, Craig Ian Mann’s indisputable king of the werewolf movie books, Phases of the Moon—the preeminent literary analysis of werewolf cinema, Mann has a real bee in his bonnet about writers who solely see the lycanthrope as a mere Jekyll and Hyde parallel, and loathes the limitations of the “beast within,” dual personality character cop out, rampant in both film criticism, and audience readings alike. Longing for deeper work with added resonance, Mann posits the eras these pictures were produced reveal fascinating layers of subtextual meaning. I feel his frustration, particularly as so many post-Eighties werewolf films have been inadequate backward steps.

Some kinda monster is terrorising the town of Tarker’s Mills, Maine (surely among the most Stephen King settings ever put on celluloid). Typically, a werewolf is a tortured soul, and Silver Bullet’s villain’s purported mercy killings have an arguably altruistic motive—at least in the mind of its antagonist, as well as simultaneously feeling somewhat capricious and violent. Nevertheless, the slasher-esque whodunnit factor of Silver Bullet is a novel wrinkle, and kept me wondering for as long as it could realistically sustain. I won’t spoil who the wolfy culprit is here, because it’s a particularly enjoyable guessing game, and the only lycanthropic mystery of my three choices. Having said that, it’s evident on the cover of the Canon VHS who the bad guy is, and it’s even painted on posters, so search them out at your peril.

The director’s chair changed hands from Don Coscarelli (PhantasmThe Beastmaster, Bubba Ho-Tep) to the fresh outta film school, Dan Attias (AD on E.T. the Extra-Terrestrial, second assistant director on Twilight Zone: The Movie and One from the Heart, and DGA trainee on Airplane!), although Coscarelli didn’t actually shoot a frame of the film—he didn’t even make it through preproduction. Silver Bullet’s slightly uneven approach and dual tone is likely due to the clashing of Dino De Laurentiis, who pushed for a hard R-rated picture, and Attias, who was angling for more of a kid-friendly PG-13. 

Silver Bullet’s originally hired—later fired helmer, Coscarelli’s shrewd take was to tackle the werewolf much like Spielberg’s recalcitrant shark, so the movie retains welcome remnants of that tried and tested approach scattered throughout. Silver Bullet boasts a somewhat bracing opening kill that’s largely unseen—but as with Jaws’s nude bather, Chrissie Watkins, the gory aftermath is. There’s a sparingly-shown child murder, with the parent of said youngster grilling the town’s cops about “private justice.” This vigilante-bating, angry mob haranguing goads the bar full o’drunken yahoos, who are all already chomping at the bit; eager to venture out as a pack, into tracking and hunting this beast down themselves. This Mrs Kintner-esque showdown, where a desperate dad puts a bounty on the beast’s head, is an unconcealed steal, and leads to a scene Coscarelli speculatively devised prior to his directorial departure—the passably suspenseful and visually appealing fog bank sequence, in which the avenging hunting party are waist-deep in thick mist, wading through a low-lying haze, and each get picked off one by one in a grisly manner. I have to emphasise the weakness of Silver Bullet is the werewolf itself. It’s far too bear-ish for my liking—however effectively hidden it is during Attias’s attempted Spielbergian set pieces. Talkin’ of Jaws-jackin’, there’s even a demise in a greenhouse, which resembles a shark attack as a bloke called Milt Sturmfuller gets dragged under the floorboards by the concealed creature.

Silver Bullet depicts a white, middle class family with a preteen paraplegic son named Marty (Corey Haim). The dad’s around, but he’s palpably absent as well—somewhat distant and seemingly embarrassed by his son‘s disability. Here, Marty is wheelchair-bound. His fussy, put upon mother views him purely as a handicapped child who requires constant supervision, her nervous attention, and ongoing aid. Marty’s physical disability gives him a kind of superpower—an understanding and empathy for the werewolf-afflicted—almost as if he understands this suffering, and akin to the lycanthrope, must not give in to his own internal frustrations. Fun uncle, or “funcle” Gary Busey as Uncle Red has an affinity with Marty, and sees a reflection of his own alcoholic demons and deficiencies in his nephew, and they form a firm bond. Cue Busey dishing out WWF chair shots to the werewolf, getting hurled into mirrors and cabin furniture over and over, and reeling off throwaway improvisational lines about how he’s gonna open up a reptile farm and cook ’em on a barbecue.

Far and away the finest sequence in the film—and a strong contender for best set piece in any of my picks, is the outstanding lycanthropic congregation fantasy in Silver Bullet. It’s one of those peculiar scenes where something’s clearly off, and we can’t quite pinpoint what it is. The ominous religious swaying with candles lit, the actors staring vehemently at Everett McGill as he sermonises, and every time we cut back to the uncanny parish, their wolf makeup is incrementally increasing. They’re getting hairier, and starier. Before long, they’re clutching at their own bodies, and their clothes are tearing away. Attias’s camera is juddering, the windows explode violently, and there’s blood everywhere. The stuffy organ music intensifies to a wild pitch with the strange performative smashing of the organ keys by a marionette-looking wolf woman. Then McGill is surrounded by furry hands, and bolts upright from his sweat-laden reverie.

All the Best People

The Shining (1980)

Maybe I’m crackers for finding The Shining convivial and cozy, but in parallel with Jaws, it’s morphed from a once petrifying picture into a movie that induces a somewhat trance-like state, where the horror is neatly neutered. It slowly became a seductively snug watch—washing over me like a secure, creepily-comforting nightmare. Yet instead of an uproariously joyous venture aboard the Orca, it’s more akin to a smooth stroll through a never ending, brightly-lit art gallery—encountering far out, confounding visions around every corner. With each twist and turn of Danny’s trike, its macabre comedy, and wacky Jack theatrics, I can’t help but feel at home at the Overlook. I wish I could stay there forever… and ever… and ever.

As 2025’s heavy winter weather snowed me in for an unprecedented twelve days off work, all that remained to do was binge The Shining. In late January, I belatedly received the astonishing new Unkrich-Rinzler book, which fuelled my obsession further—gently nudging me in the direction of the film, Vivian Kubrick’s enduringly candid making of, the hit and miss pretension-precipice, Room 237, the Filmworker documentary dutifully honouring Stanley’s loyal assistant, Leon Vitali, and then tumbling down a YouTube rabbit hole of endless, overambitious videos, both worthy of your time, and otherwise.

I was hesitant to write about the movie at all, with many of the The Shining’s affected analyses being either ridiculed or labelled as ostentatious overreaching, or overthought pretension—as seen in prominent speculative Internet hot takes often resembling the kind of hypothetical hogwash I’d be forced to endure from faux intellectual trip heads during my eight years studying film. This, however, does not include the new Taschen publication, which is beautifully assembled, thoroughly researched, cites all its sources, and has been fact checked to the nines.

I sought out every incarnation of Kubrick’s film I could—from rare, leaked open matte versions, to the initial, first print, 1999, 1.33:1 full-frame DVDs, and the fresh and sparkling new 4K transfers, hoping fact-spilling commentary tracks and candid behind the scenes footage would top up my mind to a degree that I could spew out something worth sharing. The goal, I suppose—if anything, is to condense the vast materials I’ve attempted to absorb into a palatable piece (“puff” or “think”—you decide). After all, what remains to be said about Stanley Kubrick’s The Shining?

The advent of DVD was really my key introduction to filmmaking. The behind the scenes documentaries and audio commentary extras crammed onto those initial, early noughties discs nudged me nearer to a world that was once so far removed. The Shining was one of the very first I owned, in its cardboard, plastic-clasped, European version. The bit in Viv’s documentary—to this day my favorite ever making of, where Kubrick uses “the tube”—not a typical director’s viewfinder, but a unique device made specifically by Arriflex, allowing Stanley to attach any lens of his choosing, and compose images precisely as they would appear in the finished film to frame up Jack in the larder was enough to fuel years of my own artsy filmmaking setups. Interestingly enough, lens connoisseurs, Kubrick favored the 18mm on The Shining, which subtly deformed the actors’ faces, and helped render them grotesque and drained—as opposed to the thespian’s preferred 50mm or 70mm, which they begged him to use to spare their silver screen vanity.

I’ve managed to pinpoint seeing Stanley lying flat on his back, filming up at Jack as the first moment I ever witnessed a filmmaker conceiving of a shot, setting a frame whilst rehearsing with an actor, finessing the blocking, and then capturing it and having it look magnificent in the context of a wider movie—and solving a pesky compositional dilemma on the spot, in almost real time, no less. I must’ve seen stills of Steven Spielberg peering through a Panaflex Platinum viewfinder in my Making of Jurassic Park book, but never like this. I found it ingenious; so smart; so impressive—such a clever, creative decision, born of logic and a keen, proficient photographic eye. Decades later, I would discover Spielberg worked precisely the same way—dreaming up shots during run-throughs, and spontaneously blocking actors in the spur-of-the-moment to execute equally enduring slices of cinema.

Jack Torrance, like the Muppet, Sam—all eagle-owl-eyebrowed, brazenly scopes the hot young gals of the hotel’s staff—most likely employees, as they’re in the staff wing of the Overlook on closing day—who, now that I think of them, all seem comfortably familiar, or intriguingly aware of Mr. Ullman—two pairs of ’em, in fact. Perhaps the presidential, Kennedy-esque rug isn’t the only thing he had in common with JFK. He, no doubt, frequented the Gold Room bar of an evening, and who knows where else. In Pauline Kael’s pin-sharp as ever piece, which she titled “Devolution,” the critic branded The Shining’s performers “puppets,” and Kubrick the “God-like puppet master, denying them free will,” as he would reportedly demand his leads flit from catatonia to hysteria, typically over the course of 40-odd takes or more.

Jack resents Wendy. It’s obvious, and evident from the very first moment they’re on screen together—driving to the Overlook, his patience is already shot to hell. He is interminably mean when he chastises Wendy for breaking his concentration, and interrupting his writing. Again, it’s explicitly stated later in their bedroom where he intimidatingly barks, “I’ve let you fuck up my life so far, but I will not let you fuck this up!” and again during the bat-swinging duel, where Jack gleefully mocks her by spitefully spouting, “You’ve had your whole fucking life to think things over! What good’s a few more minutes gonna do you now?” He’s unerringly, unbelievably vile in that moment, but it’s also perceptible in Duvall’s inane but endearing mundanities that, for those privy to the pediatrician’s probing visit, she can only thinly veil her marital woes as they all stride through the impressive Colorado Lounge for the first time, and then there’s the cringey beat where Wendy no doubt embarrasses Jack a little as she jigs about in reference to throwing parties when they reach the palatial Gold Room.

These very same banal pleasantries occupy the entire first section of the picture, and actually, in my experience, feel more realistic, believable, and more human than the majority of general movie dialogue, in spite of it being an initial criticism of The Shining that Kubrick and company went way over the top. In particular, Jack’s “Perfect for a child,” and, “Cozy,” remarks are accurately reflective of a phony; a man masking his true self—keeping the dangerous drunk at bay, for the time being. Puzzlingly, Nicholson momentarily “flashes” the camera like Groucho Marx on twelve or more occasions; looking dead into the lens for split-seconds at a time as if inviting us into his crackpot portrayal. Typically a cardinal sin on a movie set, it’s consciously modified by Kubrick here to inject a sinister edge to the proceedings. Jack Torrance is a legitimate movie monster by the climactic pursuit—as instructed by Stanley, Cagney-esque, or “Lon Chaney big,” to pinch a piece of D’Onofrio direction from Full Metal Jacket—wailing indecipherable threats; howling incoherently, regressed back to the dawn of man like a 2001 prologue ape, or perhaps more accurately the soon to be slain Minotaur at the centre of a discombobulating maze.

From the bandit firing directly into the camera lens in 1903’s The Great Train Robbery, to the Nouvelle Vague’s Vivre Sa ViePierrot Le Fou, and The 400 Blows indelible denouement, and done so satisfyingly surreal in Woody Allen’s Annie Hall, the fourth wall break wasn’t a new technique by any stretch, but this particular application of it was both original and striking, and so imperceptible—almost subliminal, that it remained unnoticed for years. Are Nicholson’s intentional, Brechtian, evanescent Oliver Hardyisms Jack feeling our unwelcome gaze upon him, and glancing back with knowing menace? Is Stanley’s Arri BL acting as the hotel’s revenants—watching through walls, and pursuing Danny down corridors? Why are we; the audience, the embodiment of Kubrick’s camera for these few fleeting frames at a time? Was Stanley not only taking us on a trip throughout human history using the Overlook as his device, but also walking us through the cinematic landscape, and beyond—into the future, with one of the primary pictures—along with Rocky and Rocky II, to employ Garrett Brown’s miraculous Steadicam? Is it sycophantic, or a cop out to suggest The Shining is somehow a film about everything?

Warners wanted Jane Fonda for Wendy. Nicholson pushed for Jessica Lange—he’d eventually get her two years later in the erotic The Postman Always Rings Twice redo. However, Kubrick felt he needed Wendy to be the kind of woman who was weak enough to faithfully stay with an abusive husband and father, and instead picked Altman go-to, Shelley Duvall. Shelley is simultaneously ghoulish and skeletal, but also offers an albeit frail, yet heroic maternal mettle and moxie beyond her own mental and physical capabilities. She’s a believable protector, yet due to her deficiencies and hysterical anxieties, we periodically doubt she can fulfil her protective duties, which adds hunks of suspense.

It’s the most expensive way to shoot a movie, yet ever the contrarian, Stanley was partial to occupying the entirety of EMI-Elstree—its stages, offices, and even storage rooms where he would shoot almost completely in continuity. He’d flit from stage to stage and back again, so his crew never wrapped or struck the sets. It was always a continuous shoot with unavoidable knock-on story effects. Star Wars II aka The Empire Strikes Back was chomping at the bit, waiting for Kubrick to wrap so they could get their gear in. The Burns twins, who played the Grady sisters so iconically, recall seeing fiberglass Tauntauns and even an ominous Darth Vader helmet as they cheekily explored the studio in full costume whilst on call, but rarely sent to set.

Director of Photography, John Alcott, was described as, “A salt of the earth Brit, cup of tea and mashed potatoes kind of stoic spirit.” This is precisely what Stanley preferred—a professional who could do their job well, and most importantly would do as instructed. From the DoP to the editors, Kubrick’s crews didn’t typically question anything; they just got it done. Wendy Carlos’s own invention—a solo instrument dubbed the “Circon”—short for “circular controller,” was fashioned specifically for The Shining to simulate an electronic-sounding vocalisation which sounded somewhat like a violin. This unique sonic originality aided Kubrick’s visuals so forcefully, we often feel as if we’re experiencing a film we’ve at least never heard the likes of before—particularly when partnered with Greg MacGillivray’s tour de force helicopter tracking shots to indicate the relentless shadowing and spectral claiming of Jack.

Typically when we discuss definitive versions of films, we instinctually leap to the longer one—perhaps a director’s cut, being the best bet for consumption. Stanley would dispute that in the case of The Shining. His truncated European version in 1.85 is what he’d presumably want you to absorb. However, issues with the current streaming and 4K disc incarnations include the retimed opening title scroll, rejigged musical score placements, and above all the inaccurate colour grading, which complicates matters considerably. They say an artist never finishes—they abandon. When does a painter stop painting? After making his deadline for the Cannes Film Festival screening, and locking the American theatrical release prints, Stanley stillchose to chop bits and bobs out to make his movie more economical in its storytelling. For example, the Euro cut is cunningly, and seamlessly condensed by having Jack drink just one glass of Lloyd’s Old No. 7. rather than two—eliminating some contestably excisable chatter. After seeing the picture play with audiences, constructing the more streamlined cut was a clear case of “killing your darlings” for Kubrick. To Stanley these were improvements that rendered certain questions unanswered and improved the flow, but die hard film nuts will invariably wish to see as much as possible of this movie—often as a detriment to its pacing.

I have to confess, when the truncated cut skips over the pediatrician’s visit, and its troubling disclosure of Jack’s alcoholism and ol’ abusive tendencies, I do miss it—and the sinister, repercussive echoes of the interaction later as Jack’s wheels fully fly off. One could argue this particular slice of exposition is better suited to Jack himself during his boozy confessional, and honestly it is more effective and appropriate that way, but I nevertheless mourn the scene. Witnessing Wendy skirt over, understate, explain away, and ultimately excuse her husband’s savage outburst lends a troubling layer to their family dynamic—it renders the chaos of the Overlook an incident that could’ve—and perhaps should’ve been prevented. Again, Stanley warns us of ignoring the signs; repeating our cruel mistakes, and explicitly in the longer cut, Wendy and others are punished for their inertia.

This dual version fiasco was reminiscent of another of my top ten firm fave films—James Cameron’s Aliens, which as much as I adore it, doesn’t exist in a “perfect” cut. The same applies with The Shining, as once you’ve witnessed two different edits—one of which containing both wisely-deleted expendable scenes and also crucial expositional or characterful moments that were incorrectly eradicated, the temptation is to create a personal supercut in your mind consisting of what might’ve been. Perhaps as The Shining has been under my microscope for months, I’ve somewhat changed my purist tune, and actually actively dislike elements of each release these days—namely that one distractingly clunky, mid-sentence, mouth agog Wendy dissolve to Jack’s interview—it’s my least favourite transition; maybe even moment of the movie.

The Shining—as awkward as ever, boasts the added conundrum of which aspect ratio do we plump for. Kubrick selected 1.85:1 as his preferred ratio for The Shining, but also requested that the full 1.33:1 frame be protected for future home video releases to avoid any pan and scan butchery. As with almost every aspect of The Shining, there are myriad contradictions and differences in opinion. Some argue the loftily-framed 1.33 not only exudes a certain opulent grandness, but also amplifies the walls-closing-in claustrophobia of the Overlook. Conversely, as Wendy dashes toward Jack during his drool dream ejaculations, the movie looks almost blandly televisual in both its light of day colour timing, and its squared, boxy compositions. It’s never in doubt that the 1.85 ratio is more cinematic throughout the piece, with the exception of just a handful of setups, which benefit greatly from the taller 1.33. If I have to choose just one to recommend, I’m ultimately going wider. This is also due to the fact that 1.33 crops the image on the left and right of the frame—for example, when the Advocaat is spilled, we don’t see the gentleman at the bar on the right hand side, or Viv and her lady friend on the opposite sofa. We do, however see the enormous high ceiling of the Gold Room and its massive chandeliers in full. It’s a trade-off—neither ratio is ideal; neither covers all bases. It comes down to which we prefer—width or height.

As much as a grainy, sparkly, speckled, hairs-in-the-gate, 35mm print transfer in an open matte version floats my retro boat—and was bar none the most enlivening rewatch during my recent dip into The Shining, it may also frustrate—not in the way T2’s open matte exposed Arnie’s orange board shorts during his “Guitars, Cadillacs” Corral brawl with the bikers, or Jurassic Park’s lackadaisical boom mic appearances as John Hammond cheekily pops a champagne cork, but with the advent of 4K and beyond, it likely won’t be everyone’s completist cup of tea. I enjoy the unspoiled “height” of the open matte Shining—albeit with its slightly vignetted corners at times. The sheer majesty of the establishing shot of the Overlook, with Oregon’s vast Mt. Hood towering above, could only be accomplished in 1.33, and is especially impressive when accompanied by the original, Kubrick-approved, hissy analogue, nostalgia-tinged, compressed mono soundtrack—and correctly colour-timed to Stanley’s 1980 specifications, with its cooler palette, and his slaved-over, correctly-sequenced, exquisitely blue credits during the dizzying opening title crawl. 

Generally speaking, I’d argue the 1.85:1 framing on the 4K edition is the definitive viewing experience in our future world of 2025—there’s more of a perceptible, authorial eye at work, and it has not only been widely discussed, but now proven via his own handwritten production notes that Kubrick and crew were framing for 1.85:1, and helicopter shadows and rotor blades be damned, simultaneously keeping a safe eye on the full frame, which would eventually land on home video unmasked, and fill our 4:3 screens immaculately. The cropped-in, widescreen format draws us closer to the characters, making them appear gargantuan at times—enhancing their Kabuki theatrics, and the intensity of moments such as Danny on the trike, trying the locked door of Room 237, or simpler sequences like Jack pacing over to the maze model, and gigantically peering inside.

If you’re not a pixel person, I’d perhaps nix the original DVDs, or go rogue as I did and track down a 35mm scan online, which had astonishingly clarity, and somehow transformed my living room into a late seventies picture house for a few hours. Lazy mice amongst you will receive no flack for cuing up the current 4K/streaming equivalent, but if you’re feeling saucy, this 1.18:1 open matte—transferred from an original 35mm print, is a tad taller still compared to the full-frame 1.33—adding to the lofty majesty of certain compositions like the dizzying tracking shots of the opening title sequence—most notably the commanding Overlook exterior. The boxy—vertiginous in its height, fullscreen compositions lend other shots an unparalleled, soaring splendor—perhaps even more beguiling than in glorious widescreen. The grandness of Garrett Brown’s floaty Steadicamming into the Colorado Lounge as Jack is busily bashing away his “dullboys” on the typewriter, for one.

In terms of home video recommendations, any incarnation of The Shining will likely knock you sideways in one way or another, but if my arm was twisted, I’d push the current 4K/streaming release. In spite of the crude tinkering with the grade, it still looks gorgeously pristine, and any alterations—unless sandwiched side by side with the original, will be totally untraceable to the layman’s naked eye. Simply put, certain frames catchy the eye in fullscreen; others look marvellous wide. It’s another apt contradiction, of which this picture is packed—even down to its duelling cuts, varying aspect ratios, conflicting sound mixes, and diverging colour timings. From its knotty technical quandaries to its serpentine narrative mysteries, the entire piece is a conundrum, designed to be cracked by cunning audiences.

My personal favourite of the wider ratios may well be the 1.78:1—as seen in The Shining’s Blu-ray releases (although falsely advertised on the sleeves as Kubrick’s preferred 1.85:1). Surprise, surprise, posthumous gaffes again—it’s not exactly what Kubrick wanted, or composed for, or what Leon Vitali worked unremittingly after Stanley’s death to preserve. Kubrick instructed the top and bottom of the frame to be matted out slightly more, as they did theatrically to get to 1.85, but these Blus crop ever so slightly higher, and reveal a sliver more of the image than the director designed.

If I can hop onto my Speaker’s Corner soapbox, and go on a bit of a mad rant for two minutes—as anyone who’s read my Exorcist essay, or my May the 4th be with You piece knows by now, one of my cinematic bugbears; pet peeves; total intolerances, is the fact that original colour-timed edits and sound mixes of classic films are being willfully; consciously erased from public view, whether it be the original Star Wars trilogy without its 1997 digital embellishments, or insane, inferior cuts of William Friedkin’s former masterpiece, The Exorcist, with equally stupid, inane graphics implanted later; lobbed in like hand grenades by senile filmmakers, or hired hand digital dummies; altered and retimed for Blu-ray and 4K.

We are being failed as film fans. These prominent pictures should be respected, restored, and remain accessible in their initial forms—accessible worldwide without having to sift through fan edits to track down a properly graded print of the version audiences were fortunate enough to witness—back in 1980, as The Shining’s case may be. Agreed, the 4K is spectacular, but anyone who watches The Shining via streaming in 2025 is not witnessing the picture as intended by Kubrick. The grungy green grading is way off at times—veering away wildly from lighting cameraman, John Alcott’s clean autumnal palette to whatever any Tom Dick or Harry with DaVinci Resolve’s interpretation of how this timeless horror film should actually look—muddying the pop of Alcott’s original Eggleston-esque prints, and the absent vintage vibrancy of Wendy’s matching red boots, lips, and jacket.

When I discovered an open matte version of The Shining transferred from an original 35mm print, it was drenched in dancing, hopping scratches, particularly the first reel—presumably as it had been handled more over time. The sound crackled and popped like Dick Hallorann’s Rice Crispies as the ghostly skittering, stuttering voices whined over the untouched, beautiful baby blue-hued text scrawl that Stanley himself fussed over. This coveted open matte scan is warm, authentic, and once the dialogue began, was so pin-droppingly crisp—from Jack’s clinking cup and saucer in the interview, to the water in Danny’s sink. Jack’s inhalations and lipsmacking during the Torrance family’s drive to the Overlook are also noticeably clear. It may seem finicky or persnickety, but it’s incredibly important that these details be carried over to each new re-release, or so-called “restoration,” as we’re in fact straying further and further away from the native presentation.

This last month or so we’ve seen controversy surrounding Fincher’s 4K of Se7en, which is disturbingly pulling cloaked images out of the shadows—things that were never supposed to be seen. Elements of shots are intended to drift off into complete blackness. An alarming realisation is that these 4K, AI-enhanced bastardizations may very well become the forever versions of classic works of cinema, and the way in which future generations see our favourite films for the first time. How hard would it be to include the original mono as an additional audio track on the 4K of The Exorcist, or The Shining? At the very least, provide us with a choice. The absence of Kubrick’s approved monaural mix here, and especially with The Exorcist, with its Oscar-winning audio also being altered and abandoned is truly objectionable, and I will reassert that any film screwed with after winning an Academy Award should be stripped of its honors as it’s evidently no longer the same piece of work— sometimes subtly or imperceptibly so, sometimes egregiously—periodically, they’re rendered inferior and tragically unrecognisable in the case of the 1997 Star Wars Special Editions.

What the eye don’t see, the chef gets away with, Mr. Fawlty, but a multitude of sins are being propagated out of the view of the movie-loving public—we’re just none the wiser unless they’re viewed side-by-side. You wouldn’t go to a gallery and brag about seeing a doctored version of The Kiss—I imagine you’d prefer to see Klimt’s actual colours and textures for yourself. If these colour grades were important enough for Kubrick and Alcott, or Friedkin and Roizman to stress and agonize over, they’re to be protected. Film is the art form of the 20th century, and if the original versions of cinema classics don’t belong in a museum, I don’t know what does.

Stanley’s scares don’t always startle there and then—although I’d personally posit the Grady girls, Jack’s sudden bloodthirsty axe to Hallorann, and the slow burn dread of Room 237 and its lumbering, cackling hag are all bracing and frightening in their own right. If not palpably in the moment, The Shining’s images and scenes unequivocally resonate in the mind long after the credits roll. Kubrick toys with the established, expected conventions of horror—whether it be ancient Indian burial ground foundations, skeletal remains draped in creepy cobwebs, or 1921’s The Phantom Carriage-aping familiarly familial door-hacking axe pursuit—in which, a drunken abusive ne’er-do-well is forced by ghosts to reflect on his selfish, wasted life, and also features soul-collection and New Year’s Eve, not to mention the reincarnated dead returning, and a protective mother with babe in arms. Stanley worked within the genre’s constrictions and tropes—box-ticking, if you like, but with a greater aim than to scare—he sought to deliver a more profound message.

The Shining was predominantly shot fully lit, as broad daylight with wide angle lenses. There are very few shadows Jack, Michael Myers, or any other ’80s slasher antagonist could potentially hide in, and even if there were, Kubrick would probably have nixed the idea on account of its generic, albeit effective obviousness. This is a horror in concept; a horror in its thematic ideas. As Kael beautifully put it, “Perhaps Kubrick likes the idea of waking into a nightmare as opposed to falling asleep into one.” She also described Stanley as, “A deadly serious meta-physician,” which again, doesn’t always lend itself to great fear, nasty effects, and visceral jump scares—he has bigger, cerebral fish to fry.

Screenwriters, Johnson and Kubrick were working from the perspective of a psychologically-sound fairytale. Vitali revealed, “The subtext was the last thing that ever came into it. It was a family in an isolated hotel where there’s a feeling that it’s still alive with the past spirits, and the Indian burial ground.” Stanley was delicately tiptoeing a balancing act with The Shining‘s shocks. He seemed legitimately concerned the film was lacking right up until—and immediately following the first screenings, and was constantly chasing crowd-pleasing terror tropes. It’s all rooted in gothic literature, after all. For example, originally Hallorann was struck twice in the chest—the second a more brutal puncturing with the spiked end of Jack’s axe, and go check out the stark, lurching Nosferatu shadow as Wendy reaches the top of the stairs to witnesses the ghostly, bear meets dog-man sex act, which is distinctly imposing in the towering 1.33 and 1.18 ratios. Jack even describes the light of his life as a “confirmed ghost story and horror film addict,” which is neatly evidenced by Wendy’s passing reference to the closed for the winter Overlook being, “Just like a ghost ship.” Her visions of dusty corpses are no longer a bone of contention between the rival cuts after factoring in Wendy also witnesses the split-skulled, “Great party” guest—just as she sees the phantom fellatio fella and his tuxedoed companion, and the impossible, paradoxical cascading river of blood gushing from the Overlook’s lifts—or perhaps vengefully rising up from the overlooked graves of the exhumed Indigenous American dead that rightfully remain below.

It seems to me that Kubrick embraced the idea of The Shining being an inherently otherworldly ghost tale, yet he sought to explain such a far-fetched phenomena as much as possible; to ground it in so-called plausibility, hence the admittedly slapdash focus on an Indian burial ground backstory. The Overlook’s ghosts are confirmed by Kubrick, and are evidently capable of physically interacting—take the leggy bathtub babe making out with Jack in Room 237, and to me, the only rational explanation for Jack’s larder escape is Grady’s corporeal interference, which was devised, drafted, shot with Philip Stone, and then subsequently cut from the movie at the death. There are repeated mentions of Grady freeing Jack in Kubrick’s notations, yet what kind of spooks are these? “Real” phantoms can shot stuff about, mere projections of Jack’s imagination surely cannot. Could the psychological state of a character somehow manifest an apparition which has tangible abilities? Did the Torrance family concoct these beings through their own brooding familial negativity, and grant them these paranormal powers? If this is Grady’s undertaking—to wander the Overlook in search of spiritually reincarnated souls to claim, then will Jack experience the same eventual fate? Has he in fact already suffered it; been there all along, and is plainly doing his duties as the caretaker in perpetuity? It’s enough to make us cross-eyed, but it’s concurrently fertile ground for wilfully muddied messages, and clouded actualities. The Overlook feels labyrinthine, and geographically as impenetrable as the movie’s narrative itself.

The vagaries of The Shining’s apparitions created conundrums so layered that they are still being rowed over and hotly debated to this day. I don’t buy the Danny unlocked the pantry theory, as he’s clearly catatonically REDRUM-petrified in his hotel room at the time. It’s a leap I’m personally unwilling to make without sufficient proof. I, perhaps quite simplistically, still regard the uncanny unlocking of the larder as Kubrick’s transparent attempt to underline the supernatural presence, and physical interference of the Overlook’s everlasting inhabitants. The hotel’s phantom residents were designed to be tangible—they can wipe Advocaat off your jacket, strangle you in a bathroom, or serve you a spectral yet sippable whisky on the rocks. The shrewdness of removing such certainty is that it provokes yet another question, and it’s an astute example of Kubrick removing non-ambiguity, and casting yet another unsettled fishing line into the river, where audiences will either bite down, or simply swim by at surface level—entertained and undeterred.

I do, however, concede that Danny—via his alter ego, Tony, consciously lures Jack into the maze, knowing full well he has a clear-cut chance of coaxing his dad to his demise—or at the very least buy him enough time to evade and escape. This plays out more manifestly in preliminary outlines and drafts, in which Danny would have first smashed the labyrinth’s light fixtures, and then used his (obviously already established in that non-existent version) Star Trek laser blaster toy with built-in beam to illuminate the maze, and find his way out. The final film has Danny emerging victorious from the hedge maze to embrace Wendy—and very importantly, in his regular uncroaky voice, call her “mommy,” before climbing aboard the Sno-Cat, and fleeing together—restoring a more satisfying order, of sorts, to Danny’s personality crisis before the end titles appear. It’s Jack, or Danny and Wendy that would inevitably perish, but it’s Tony who still ultimately makes that tough, yet vital call. In another filmed and deleted instance, Grady’s ghostly, yet hard light hand, would appear over a switch and turn off the maze lights at the conclusion of the film, as if his work is done, and the play is over.

It builds suspense in a sense, but did we need to sluggishly see Scatman aboard his plane ride, making phone calls repeatedly, then arduously and formulaically depict this passage of time via his uneventful journey; just so he can show up at the Overlook and promptly get the chop? This is the clunkiest storytelling Kubrick opted to include, and although Dick Hallorann cunningly calling the Torrances “unreliable assholes” to secure a last-minute Sno-Cat rental is amusing, I wondered if we could excise all that business in favour of retaining a faster flowing tension—keeping the mounting tension white hot, rather than watching an old bald bloke slowly drive through the snow for ages, and ages. As an alert audience, would we not have just gone with it if we saw the one scene of Scatman “shining”—having untold psychic visions of the Overlook, then expressing his concern with a single unsuccessful phone call? Surely we would have put two and two together, and twigged he’d made the trip based upon earlier concerns that the radio wasn’t functioning, the phone lines are down, and his veiled visions we were never privy to were horrifying enough to jet set him cross-country to gatecrash; to protect a child with the same gift as him and his grandmother.

Grady’s racist remarks directed at Hallorann also prod uncomfortably at America’s buried sins. Co-writer, Diane Johnson, recalled the overall idea of the story was about violence throughout U.S. history—Western frontier elements, photographs of railroad construction, ethnic violence, et al. Kubrick and Johnson accepted it was a regrettable, somewhat skirted over era in America’s annals, and that everyone would surely understand the implications of Hallorann being black. Although Dick didn’t always die at the close—he heroically aided in Wendy and Danny’s escape in earlier drafts. It is, however, surely a necessary escalation to kill Hallorann, as we must continuously fear for mother and son as it elevates the third act stakes. Sadly, Scatman was disheartened by such an eleventh-hour alteration, and was upsettingly quoted as saying, “I guess Stanley thought it was time to kill a nigger.”

I didn’t draw a great deal from Kubrick’s Odyssey—I found the documentary to be a somewhat amateurish endeavour, postulating speciously on both A Clockwork Orange and The Shining. It toys broadly with the admittedly fascinating subject of MKUltra, and Laurel Canyon’s populace, but failed to connect any Kubrickian dots successfully. It was a David Ickeian case of overstating—reaching too far into the unknown, and in doing so, debasing any rational, hard work and research that preceded it. Besides, to lazily label The Shining as a C.I.A. mind control program on Jack Torrance and his family—presumably with actors playing the ghosts, is unfounded and asinine to the point of being eschewed entirely.

Stanley’s brilliance is apparent in almost every aspect of the film, and yet flagrant blunders remain. Helicopter shadows and visible rotor blades, tellies play with no plugs, there’s the idiosyncratic architecture of the red and white bathroom—which didn’t correspond to any of the exhaustive hotel research, the geographically impossible windows of Ullman’s office, and the frankly outrageous vanishing chair in the Colorado Lounge. Could it be that Kubrick was so preoccupied with the coldness and perfection of his picture to such a degree that he consciously muddied it up—like ageing a pair of jeans, road wearing a brand new guitar, or intentionally defacing furniture to make it appear more “authentic?” Thought-provoking concept, but I don’t quite buy it. Far more likely, the answer to these anomalies can be found in the arbitrary nature of obsession. Neurotic, compulsive folks—Stanley included, care deeply about certain things, and are peculiarly ambivalent to others. This is not a matter of negligence, as such—although Kubrick was reportedly informed about continuity errors, and persisted regardless. In some cases, honest mistakes were made—although I wonder how. It’s more likely that Kubrick was aware of 99% of The Shining’s inconsistencies, yet found them too trivial to correct.

Kubrick worked presently; in the moment. According to Vitali, “So what” was sometimes Stanley’s capricious attitude. Hard to believe—and impossible to comprehend for those who hold Kubrick up as an infallible cinematic God, but with remarks to the tune of, “No one will notice that,” “Oh, come on! You can overdo those things,” and “Some will notice, some won’t,” the so-called perfectionism of the man suddenly comes into question. One day, Stanley inexplicably changed the colour of Jack’s typewriter from a beige-cream to grey. When a crew member reminded him it had already been established, he simply said, “It doesn’t matter.” Invariably, the shot at hand was paramount. I have no idea why a clearly visible rotor blade was acceptable to a man who demanded the—invisible to the audience, Steadicam crosshair be centred precisely on an actor’s left nostril, but it was. Certain nutty, whimsical choices just make sense to an author; an artist, or a general. Consider the way Kubrick would allegedly select a member of the crew to hammer each day at random—focussing any pent-up vitriol on their personal performance.

Stanley once acknowledged that he’s happiest when making a film, and would often cunningly prolong the process to delay its completion. As Mathew Modine observed on Full Metal Jacket, anything halting production was an opportunity to regroup, and rethink. This goes some way to explain Kubrick’s off kilter methodology, and the head-scratching number of takes he would demand of his actors—ostensibly as many as 137 on Scatman in the kitchen, leaving the poor fella weeping, confused, and shattered. Then there’s asking the same elderly actor—now pushing seventy, to hit the deck during his death scene multiple times, resulting in Scat requiring a chiropractor afterwards. Compounding all that, the image of Crothers impacting the ground didn’t even make the final cut. Incredibly, Stanley printed every single take and shot more than 1,000,000 feet of film—inducting The Shining into a notoriously irresponsible, excessive and exclusive club with other alleged members including among others, Marlon Brando’s sole directorial effort, One-Eyed JacksThe Thin Red LineMagnoliaApocalypse NowMrs. Doubtfire, and most recently, Tropic Thunder.

I often praise the expert geographical sense of John McTiernan’s Die Hard, as he visually instructed; outright taught us where we were at every moment, as it’s essential to that particular picture. Here, we get the gist, but everything at the Overlook Hotel is either vaguely off—be it the “impossible windows” in Ullman’s office, or the somewhat bewildering, labyrinthine hallways viewed via Danny’s trike ride laps—with unpredictable bends, and levels we can’t entirely comprehend. The eerily familiar geography of The Shining doesn’t always make sense. Its flipped colour schemes, and architectural echoes are confoundingly maze-like in their own way, and contribute valuably to the mental and physical catacombs of the movie. Some clues to the meaning of The Shining emerge not from what was incorporated into Kubrick’s picture, but what was excised from Stephen King’s manuscript. Why switch the colour of the Torrance’s car from red to yellow? Is the crushing of the red Volkswagen Beetle beneath a big lorry truly Stanley’s coded “fuck you” to King? Was Kubrick churlish enough to send a threatening, hidden dig asserting authorial superiority? If so, how many more of these clandestine messages exist throughout?

Isn’t it eerily appropriate that The Shining became a conspiracy of its own, when the film allegedly deals in such things? Whatever one draws from 2012’s Shining-centric documentary, Room 237—be it the smug, self-satisfying ridicule of preachy sermonisers and their whacked-out theories, or their half-cocked misreadings of routine continuity errors as calculated Kubrickian choices—something we still refuse to believe Stanley was capable of, yet blasphemy be damned, the same Stanley loyalists; or “Stans”—myself included will giddily point out the unmatted helicopter shadow on the Colorado Rockies stone face in the opening title sequence as one of the master’s glaring howlers. Mistakes were made—there’s no doubt about it. Based on the assumption that nothing in a Kubrick film happens by chance, his disciples enjoy shouting any mutinies down instantly as it’s typically considered to be true—be it colours, music, editing, performance, or dialogue. Stanley was no doubt a stickler—although also an arbitrary contrarian, which only muddles the issue further.

In the vein of Kubrick’s final film, Eyes Wide Shut, the Gold Room party guests were originally set to be decked out in glittering masks, and the band leader would brazenly announce into the microphone, “Ladies and gentlemen! The midnight hour is upon us! Unmask, and let’s fuck!” These suggestions of a surrounding sexual repression and carnal deviancy recur often. Aside from the obvious, take the scene where Jack gets the rear end of his 501 jeans spied—and perhaps even commented on by those two 1920s “flappers,” then, as he’s waltzing along with Bourbon in hand—just before ol’ Jeevsy bumps into him, another woman struts by with a rumoured upside down bloody handprint on the seat of her white gown. During the interview when Jack first meets Ullman, they eagerly shake hands as a pervily-placed, waist-high paper tray proudly juts out like his new boss just got the horn. A parallel composition occurs as Danny’s teddy bear rests beside his desired firetruck in the background as he’s watching the Road Runner cartoon with Wendy, the fire engine’s ladder placement makes it appear as if the bear has an erection. Notably, The Road Runner Show also acts as sneaky foreshadowing, with the title song lyrics, “Road Runner, the coyote’s after you, Road Runner, if he catches you you’re through” teasing the final maze pursuit where Danny—or more accurately, Tony, outsmarts Jack’s Wile E. Coyote.

Speculative; often bewildering efforts to decipher The Shining—namely Room 237’s 1969 moon landing hypothesis—based upon Danny’s wooly Apollo 11 jumper, the ROOM NO. text, approximately 237 calculated miles to the moon, and Kubrick’s deliberately-placed cans of Tang—a powdered drink mix the astronauts commercially consumed, and the film allegedly being specifically concerned with the Jewish Holocaust via its German Adler typewriter, the number ’42, the subliminal half-swastikas on the back wall of the Gold Room—which Jack appears to look directly at as they’re walking in, and via those long superimpositions, Jack’s momentary Hitler moustache, and figures slowly dissolving into luggage—now debunked by the fact Stanley didn’t like the second unit helicopter footage of the Torrance’s two-wheel trailer being towed behind their Volkswagon, and opted for the sole yellow bug instead. The there’s Wendy’s “Keep America tidy,” crying Indian-quote, and the carefully-composed Calumet cans in the larder suggesting an omnipresent theme of native American massacre. For my money, each speaker failed to definitively place the final puzzle piece to the perfect jigsaw that is The Shining.

Some stop at vivifying guesswork, intrigued by the riddle of a conspiracy—others dig deeper, to become investigatory detectives or honorary journalists, and blog their findings. Some ferret around further into tinfoil hat territory, like a daft dog with a brainless bone, and begin to construct their own realities—bending and weaving filmic fiction to fit their personal narratives. As dark as the repercussions of suspicious historical anomalies may well be, in recent years I’ve been somewhat satisfied to stop at stage one, and recoil in sheer abject terror at our collective inhumanity from George Carlin’s patented artist eye view—withdrawing in disgust (not apathy) from political vaudeville, and helplessly watching the freak show unfold from the cheap seats—still halfheartedly trying to bend my mediocre mind around the ominous mysteries and dubious abnormalities of Hitler’s Reichstag fire, Operation Northwoods, the JFK assassination, the Gulf of Tonkin, Able Danger, and 9/11.

After all, what is conspiracy theory, really? Without tarring all of these—some perfectly logical conundrums with the same dismissive brush, to many, it’s merely humanity’s desperate attempt to configure the randomness of life’s inexplicable events, and to impose an often more comfortable narrative that can be processed. How could events so tragic, senseless, and cruel as terrorism, war, and genocide be random and meaningless? Why do people kill, and be killed seemingly on a whim? Could it be the case that Stanley himself became the focus of conspiracy theorists as his work, much like life, hangs in a kind of grey area; an often morally ambiguous, unresolved, chaotic series of incidents that we must afterwards—in a Viktor Frankl’s Man’s Search for Meaning sense, add our own substance to. The psychological depth of The Shining may stem from the fact that it mirrors life so closely. We must make sense of the events of our past in order to learn; to move forward logically and cautiously, and chiefly to not repeat our past mistakes.

My own snowed-in, comfy-blanketed, repeated re-watches continued to soothe me into February—never eliciting such piercing panic as The Exorcist continues to, for example, nor keeping me awake at night, searching shadows, or deciphering strange noises as potential supernatural threats as with other; more stereotypically effective horror movies. Psychologically though, one could argue, The Shining’s concepts and themes are nothing short of petrifying. Having said that, there’s really nothing in the picture to parallel Texas Chainsaw, or the Exorcist’s palpable, visceral ’70s scares. As Pauline Kael astutely observed, Kubrick’s prowess, and love of technological cinematic techniques can distance us from any down and dirty horror that emerges. When we do witness the gush of a river of elevator blood, or the deathly crimson corpses of hacked-up twins, it’s a disturbing, lingering image—but there’s something about The Shining that admittedly fails to frighten in a traditional sense. Perhaps for a man like Stanley that would be all too easy.

Hearing my favourite stand-up comedian of all time, Louis C.K. dissect not only one of my favourite films, but also the guy I perceive to be the greatest director of all time, was enthralling. His unfettered guest appearance on the Joe and Raanan Talk Movies podcast was such an enlightening, liberating listen as Louie—not for the first, or last time, acutely articulated many of my own dormant feelings about Kubrick’s film with his trademark out of the box perception and natural, everyman analysis. His notion that “Stephen King has nothing to do with The Shining (movie),” was a revelation. King’s 1997 three-episode miniseries of The Shining was, of course, laughable with our accident-prone mate, Steven Weber from Children of the Corn—stumbling around with the ludicrous wooden mallet from the novel in preposterous Michael Jackson Thriller makeup, surrounded by daft CG opticals, and the silly topiary animals literally everyone but King and director, Mick Garris, had the good sense to eliminate entirely.

Whilst prepping to shoot Raiders of the Lost Arkat Elstree, Steven Spielberg met, and was given a Shining tour by Stanley. One of Steven’s initial critiques of the finished picture was he felt Jack should have suddenly appeared over Wendy’s shoulder as she was frantically leafing through the, “All work and no play makes Jack a dull boy” draft—a crude jump scare, if you will. When challenging Kubrick as to why he chose not to include such a thing, Stanley simply stated, because that’s what everyone would expect. The overall pacing, and length of Kubrick’s shots feels sedate. To me, it’s anything but arduous to experience, but Kael is correct in stating the archetypal frights remain absent. However, for select scenes, such as the axe to Hallorran’s chest when Jack lurches out from beyond the final red pillar—I tend to forget which one he hides behind, but now I’m so fluent in the film, I unwaveringly eye the exact area Jack is about to spring from. It’s a fearful moment, but it peculiarly doesn’t elicit a run of the mill skip of a heartbeat. Trivia fans out there, Scatman buys the farm under the only lit chandelier, and was originally struck twice—the second time being much bloodier with the spiked end of Jack’s axe. When poked and prodded further about his thoughts on the finished film, famously—and I’m sure quite hesitantly, Spielberg confessed to Stanley he felt Jack’s performance was reminiscent of Kabuki—a classical, heavily-stylized form of Japanese theatre, characterised by elaborate costumes and dramatic makeup. “You mean you think Jack went over the top?” replied Stanley. Kubrick’s defensive retort proclaimed the notoriously fiery and dynamic lead, James Cagney, to be one of the five best actors of all time, and that, in his eyes, is why Jack’s performance is a great one.

I’m commonly in awe and admiration at the depth in which audiences will go to vivisect the art they adore—personalising it; self-mythologizing with undue, unerring certainty—even when it reaches an annoying or preposterous degree. All this extensive analysis does is illustrate the effect the work had on them. Many of these YouTube fruitcakes periodically profess to having solved The Shining—from the puzzling duality of Grady’s Christian names—earlier Charles, and later Delbert, the mismatched ages and period costume dresses of the Grady girls, the indistinct mass or perhaps “body” in the cascade of blood that drops down during the Kensington Gore elevator deluge, and the carpet pattern flipping and inverting as Danny prepares to enter Room 237, to the sticker of the Disney dwarf, Dopey, vanishing from Danny’s door, and the game room poster depicting an alleged satanic skiing Minotaur. “It’s all a dreamstate visualisation of Jack’s novel in progress,” some’ll fervently preach—all taking place in his creatively-ignited mind; inspired by the Overlook’s hand me down scrap book, pulling in his inspirational surroundings to spin his own fabulist tale. Others prophesize that Jack never really escaped the larder, and the frozen maze finale is a surrealistic wintry representation of his eternally trapped demise.

Call me a dull boy, but in spite of what Joe Girard—in his analytical to a fault, Eye Scream YouTube video postmortem of The Shining pleasingly called, “Gorgeous, contextual symmetries,” which pop up when playing the film both backwards and forwards—simultaneously superimposed, I can’t subscribe to this level of obsessive conjecture, nor the film’s supposedly intended numerology—beyond the number 42 that is. However, when we take in a film, I do concede our subconscious is constantly at work, and play—contextualizing and echoing back previous images. The other strand that aids this absorbing yet reaching take on The Shining in terms of these uncanny superimposition-compositions is Stanley’s meticulously central, one-point perspective, symmetrical framing, which renders the exercise eternally complimentary no matter which duo of shots you chuck at it. Some will eat up this brand of pretentious analytical posturing; others will immediately become infuriated, and tune out. I’m somewhere in between, as I was subjected to years of tedious cinematic speculation throughout Joseph Campbell, Syd Field and Robert McKee-cannibalising, regurgitative BTEC Media lectures, artsy A-level Film Theory discussions, and to a lesser degree, my more practical degrees in Film and Moving Image Production—showing off, and have become desensitised to what George Harrison would call, “avant-garde-a-clue” nonsense, and yet find certain cinematic theories fascinating, occasionally legitimately illuminating, but more often than not, frustrating—and sometimes even irreparably damaging to a film’s legacy.

Having directed a handful of short independent films myself on a far more trivial scale and budget, many of these compelling presuppositions do tend to creep in. Some are deliberate; authorial, but anyone who’s put a film together knows that so much is out of your control that this manner of analysis is presumptuous, problematic, and overly analytical to the point of being wildly misleading. Yet, to throw another spanner in the works, Kubrick’s control was exacting, and certain folks find his films acceptably dissection-worthy when it comes to this kind of exhaustive critical thinking, and believe this gives them license to go far and beyond the rational in order to make sense of them, see things that aren’t there, and imprint their own psychosis onto his pictures—an indulgence Stanley was more than happy to fuel, as the kind of mystique he sought could only be achieved by tightly buttoning his lip about his movie motivations, and rarely giving interviews—admittedly with a handful of revealing exceptions. Compounding this, I believe Kubrick knew by 1980 that his films would be both anatomised to death—and long after his own, so he actively leant into it. He knew that—as the French composer, Claude Debussy said, “The music is not in the notes, but in the silence between them.” You can’t have loud without quiet, you can’t have light without dark, and Stanley purposely; intentionally, left us with some work to do in order to prolong the lives of his films.

There’s poetry to the abstract, ambiguous, unknown mystery of movies, and when the director; the author, reveals precisely what they were trying to suggest; what they were trying to achieve, these matters can become far less interesting. However, an uncharacteristically off guard Kubrick—whilst hiding out in an undisclosed office as to not be photographed, opted to reveal more than usual to a modest Japanese journo by the name of Jun’ichi Yaoi, who was “investigating” the suspicious; potentially paranormal studio fire at Elstree for an unaired TV programme. This long lost, raw footage treasure trove contains not only Stanley’s explicit decoding of The Shining, but also a reflective elucidation relating to his cryptic, sci-fi masterpiece, 2001: A Space Odyssey.

There’s a Lovecraftian notion that, if the audience appreciates it, you don’t have to explain it. The Shining could be described as a wholly ambiguous movie in almost every sense—and therein lies the intrigue. The movie has legs because there’s room to manoeuvre; room to interpret. Kubrick preferred not to read what something was about, or what it meant. He liked it when an audience took in a film and wondered whether what they were thinking matched what the director intended. There’s a skill and a subtlety in allowing viewers to figure it out for themselves. As the late, great, David Lynch once wisely imparted, “When you finish a film, everyone wants you to talk about it, but… the film is the talking.”

This is where we must consider author intent and post-structuralism. Even if you’re Stanley Kubrick, not everything you intend comes to fruition—things are misconstrued; misinterpreted, and what Tolkien called “applicability” as opposed to his loathed allegory comes to the fore—Kubrick’s intentions are a mere fraction of whatever meaning The Shining potentially holds. I do believe he—as a Freudian, purposefully designed the picture within an inch of its life, but was concomitantly cognisant that for the piece to be resoundingly fearsome, and a true work of art, it must leave space for the viewer to bring Freud’s three components of the human psyche into play. True fear is in the singular mind of the individual, and there’s nothing a filmmaker can show an audience that is more unnerving than what they can privately project inside their own minds. That’s why The Shining is not The Exorcist, or The Omen—it isn’t even the unhinged, kinetic onslaught of The Texas Chain Saw Massacre. All are arguably plausibly perfect horrors, but this isn’t solely a horror film.

Is Danny retracing his snowy steps in the maze Kubrick’s way of stating, sometimes we need to go back to go forwards; to understand and accept the calamities of our past, so we can proceed unerringly into a brighter future? Does the Overlook claim the souls of its victims—integrating them materially into both the hotel, and somehow simultaneously its sordid past? Is the Overlook intended to represent America—with its karma fucked, forever and ever and ever? For time immemorial, a bloodstained country founded on colonial genocide, and haunted by it to such a devastating degree it can never heal—just continue to reincarnate and regurgitate death and dread for all time, with the European Jewish Holocaust of the thirties and forties not acting as a central thesis or theme set by Kubrick—as posed by certain conspiratorial documentaries, but instead an evil echo—a sick example of a guilt-ridden historical redo—a savage samsara, yet again. Not just of an American individual such as Jack or the Grady bunch, but of a global collective.

Jack doesn’t have a snowball’s chance at the Overlook. I can’t accept he strangled Danny during their stay, and again, rather superficially, maintain the hotel’s wraiths are tactile, hard-bodied entities, who can inflict bodily damage—just as they can open a locked storage room, snog you in a bathroom, or roll a tennis ball along a carpet precisely into your purview. Kael observed the two Overlook spooks Jack has protracted tête-à-têtes with—Lloyd the bartender and Grady, are each physically-manifested representatives of his demented inner temptations—his worldly demons: authorial inadequacy and beyond, fraut familial tensions and bubbling barbaric violence, and the “poor me, poor me, pour me a drink” alcoholic urge for a ruinous bourbon—a bottle of Jack Daniel’s, a little glass, and some ice—even at the cost of his eternal soul.

Do the specters act as cajoling catalysts to finally unearth the buried tensions of the Torrances? Kael suggested this particular family unit, with its arcane abilities may have conjured these malevolent apparitions as opposed to this plainly being another haunted hell hotel—after all, who among this family of three are actually capable of “shining?” A handful of pesky, puff-piece YouTubers definitively proclaim, “There are no ghosts in The Shining.” Stanley would differ, and possibly even… correct them. Kubrick clearly stated he felt this was an optimistic tale, as any work invoking an afterlife is inherently a sanguine story; a cheerful concept of sorts, as the existence of spirits presupposes life after death. Perhaps it’s glib of me, but as we’re now hip to the fact that the Grady side of the larder door was shot and eventually cut, I know Grady lets Jack out—it was just wisely excised from the finished film to perpetuate ambiguity. However, like many delving fans, I almost wish it wasn’t so simple. This enigma can be decoded with a little digging—yet I often feel the mystery is more compelling, and that buzzy-brained, baffled feeling akin to being bewildered by a tricky mathematical sum, or a profound philosophical puzzle, is a welcome addition to my viewings of The Shining. I don’t wish to solve Kubrick’s maze; I prefer being perplexed. The mind-fuck of the final image—Torrance being integrated into the July 4th photograph, is Stanley’s way of indicating that this account is legitimate; this tale really happened; it wasn’t merely an illusory figment of Jack’s imagination—or indeed Wendy’s, or Danny’s, as the now ceased to be coda controversially could have signalled more forcefully. He has been absorbed by the Overlook into its unfathomable past, and is now an omniscient figure in its history.

1975’s Barry Lyndon wasn’t a commercial triumph, losing more dosh than any other Kubrick picture to date. The Shining was an opportunity to pair what Warner Bros. hoped would be a smash horror novel with a prestige director—much like Polanski and Rosemary’s Baby, or Friedkin and The Exorcist—which Stanley spurned in favour of Lyndon. A scant 16 out of 100 moviegoers cited Kubrick as their reason to see the The Shining during early market research. Nicholson was the big kahuna, and the exacerbated executives’ concerns were that the picture was perceived to be both familiar in spirit, and altogether too similar to a bunch of preceding ’70s horrors—namely The ExorcistThe Omen, and The Amityville Horror.

I know, why pick a dog in this fight, but I forever find myself in a defensive position in favour of The Shining, in spite of remaining in total awe of an admittedly more visceral and disturbing horror picture like The Exorcist. If audiences fail to find King’s concept of an intoxicated, homicidal father chilling, I don’t understand what breed of horror they would prefer. What’s more unnerving? It’s such a verboten and forbidden fear—even today. For example, what’s more disturbing than the Chris Benoit tragedy? Or Chris Watts and American Murder: The Family Next Door? What scares you more—a disconcertingly convincing depiction of a possessed child, or the exploration of what Stanley and company called, “family hate,” with “children as receptacles of displaced hostilities.” Rage and fear within households—a father threatening his child is awfully compelling, and has terrifyingly solid, resonant psychological underpinnings as opposed to the albeit brutally accurate attempt at religious superstition incarnate that is Friedkin’s film. Lloyd’s complimentary tipples are arguably the most relatable, identifiable objects of addictive enticement—along with the adulterous tryst in Room 237 that is, for any resentful American male. They’re Jack’s weaponized vices of choice. The demon drink isn’t the lone catalyst of the chaos here, but it’s enough to ignite Jack’s incendiary touchpaper. These terrifying true themes intellectually outweigh Stephen King’s more generic and jejune underpinning frights, and as further explored in Kubrick’s penultimate picture, Full Metal JacketThe Shining is a cloaked warning for humanity to heed.

“One of the scariest films ever made—according to some people,” snidely uttered by Kermode, who just can’t resist putting the boot in on behalf of his—now irksomely dreary, Exorcist fetish. Plug your ears, Dr. Mark, but although it may not have pus, puke, and creepy contact lenses, The Shining makes even a horror movie as mighty as The Exorcist seem almost inconsequential in comparison. It lurks somewhere beyond gross-out; beyond special makeup effects; beyond audiences who are still cut to their archaic bones by blasphemy and apostasy, and will forever regard religion as reality. The Shining’s humanistic horror dwarfs Heaven, Hell, God, and The Devil himself.

Kubrick pondered how to tackle cardinal human fears from a sound, psychological standpoint—not anything as trite as faith or Lucifer himself. When religion—as John Lennon said, “Vanishes and shrinks,” what will remain? The true terror of The Exorcist—aside from the claret-spurting arteriogram torture, lies in its viewers being, at the very least, agnostic. Absolutely, even ardent atheists can find discomfort in that picture—and it is truly a masterpiece in its own right, but it doesn’t have the Jungian Red Bookunderpinnings; Freud’s The Uncanny, or the probing rational resonance of The Shining. I concur with Kubrick that the afterlife is a reassuring—if untenable concept. However, an aspect I find deeply troubling is The Shining’s suggestion of permanence—the freaky notion that even as a phantom we have responsibilities; an everlasting job to do, and must roam a gargantuan hotel in perpetuity, coaxing other lost souls into our realm.

We look for answers and elucidations because they console us. This is where conspiracy theory begins, and more often than not, ends. I’ve become fascinated by pareidolia—seeing faces in everyday things—be it a colourful oil slick phiz on a rainy pavement, an emergency handle visage on a bus, or a curious profile crack in concrete. We’re subconsciously searching for them, and are evolutionarily-engineered to do so. When we’re first born, we understand—even discern the faces of our mother and father. Some swear they see endless skulls on the actors, the lifts, and vehicles of The Shining. We look for comfort in the abstract. We see faces in a void of nothingness, because that’s what our minds developed to do. As Leon Vitali—Stanley’s long-serving right hand man, smartly put it, “When I look at the moon, sometimes I see the image of a French poodle. I don’t really think there’s a French poodle on the moon, but that’s what I see.” That’s the documentary, Room 237. That’s just about every YouTuber’s hot take interpretation on The Shining, claiming they’ve cracked it. The mind strives to solve puzzles, and Kubrick—the brightest filmmaking scamp of all, arguably made cinema’s greatest brain-teaser with The Shining—trolling us all; gifting us the box to a million-piece jigsaw, but shrewdly pocketing one (or perhaps forty two) of the pieces, leaving us frustrated; forever curious as to what those gaps may manifest or mean.

With The Shining, the four-dimensional chess champion of cinema constructed a conundrum so impenetrable; so obscure, it will be “puzzled over, and studied, and followed, forever,” and simultaneously packed it chock-full of playfulness, accessibility, unbridled, over the top Kabuki theatricality and cutting black comedy. Its, at times, simplistic to a fault dialogue, and peculiar human interactions are so bizarrely mundane and run of the mill—facile to the degree that they wash over us and we, brows wrinkled, can only begin to imprint our own consciousness on the banal chitchat to try and decipher the mild-mannered madness. Then, as another layer to the Kubrickian cake, Stanley made The Shining one of the most beautiful-looking pieces of cinematic art ever created—colliding exquisitely-composed imagery with clunky, intentionally half-arsed, humbling errors to offset the slyly-designed, often-criticised frigidity of his detached filmmaking approach.

Certain countries—most notably the United States, were founded on mass murder and genocide, the technical advancements of these nations are articulated here in the form of a space exploration motif—a much more plausible reason for The Shining‘s cryptic Apollo moon landing allusions, and there are also Kennedy-esque presidential orders depicted with the Overlook’s cyclical reincarnation of Jack and Grady perhaps signifying negligent political parties who never learn—just dig deeper into death; further into greed with incompetence and inhumanity. Yes, as advertised, “The tide of terror that swept America is here,” but it’s the British Empire, too. Not to mention Nazi Germany, and beyond. It’s a strong argument that The Shining is a movie about widespread historic negligence and the modern, so-called humanity that was born of it. As wisely pointed out by Terry Gilliam, Kubrick’s unmade Aryan Papers—or Wartime Lies would also have been a film about precisely this matter—human failure, as opposed to Spielberg’s acclaimed Holocaust hit, Schindler’s List, which was instead, arguably myopically misleading in its dealings with one man’s success.

Perhaps the picture continues to resonate as these wise warnings are never heeded. At my current age of 42—a number that is consistently employed throughout the film—it’s emblazoned on Danny’s jersey, the movie playing on the disconnected telly is entitled, Summer of ’42, Nazi Germany conceiving of the “final solution” to exterminate European Jews in 1942 during WWII. I despair at seeing the revolving door of politics, and the same abhorrent mistakes made. Take Jack Torrance—a husband and father capable of complete corruption via deviance and dark influence to the degree he can be driven to chop up his family into little bits with an axe—or at least try. He was just following orders; the orders of the house.

Then there’s the shameless cyclical nature of cinema itself, and its regurgitated “content,” correspondingly grinding and wearing us down over decades plus. We each have an opportunity to draw our own line when it comes to The Shining. A YouTube commenter sagely stated, “The way someone analyzes and interprets The Shining is a direct representation of their own psyche.” Do you want to join the crank club, or just enjoy a masterly movie at surface level? Personally, I begin to feel quite uneasy and apprehensive when I’m adamantly informed that playing the movie backwards and forwards simultaneously via superimposition will reveal any of Kubrick’s conscious intentions. Or once definitive, unequivocal sexual abuse themes built around Danny and Jack purportedly enter the picture—although this is likely due to the fact that in addition to Nicholson’s darkly humorous suggestion to include incest-invoking Playgirl reading material as he awaits Ullman and Watson, these suppositions actually, upsettingly hold a lot of water, and once heard, we cannot unring the bell.

In terms of cracking The Shining’s oracular code, the closest anyone got, for me anyway, was the bored genius theory—what does Kubrick; a man with a rumoured IQ of 200 do with himself after conquering the cinematic landscape? What story could possibly be worth telling? Pair this with the concept that Stanley chose to make a movie about the entirety of existence—our whole history as a species; to lament the repetition of our self-destructive, historical downfalls and tragedies—both within and without the Overlook, which in The Shining acts as an allegorical (and deleted literal) scrapbook full of such things, from clandestine sexual deviancy, to ancient murder and mayhem. This of course factors in the—dismissed by doubters doc, Room 237’s somewhat wonky speculations, but reframes them in a more palatable, plausible way I can get behind.

Unfairly spurned by some as a laughable crackpot conspiracy, I’d argue Room 237 is in fact closer to the truth than many give it credit for. The vexations arise when categorical, undisputed gospel is declared, and sadly each suspiciously certain, film scholarly speaker is borderline pompous in their conspiratorial claims—all at odds with one another, attempting to outsmart, out-read, and out-decipher their competitors. What I have come to believe is The Shining is likely not about any one of these particular topics. It’s not a thesis that tackles any of them individually—it’s likely an amalgam; an incorporation, crafted to represent a broad view of mankind’s most notable miscalculations and happenings. The apparitions the Torrances encounter at the Overlook are what remains of those who have killed, and been killed—whether they lurk cobwebbed and skeletal in a haunted lobby, or are buried deep, unseen, and forgotten under a historic hotel; beneath a former screaming battleground. You want horror, Kubrick thought. I’ll give it to you, but not solely ghosts and gore—the reprehensible, repeated, unending horrors of human history.

Two Bahama Mamas

Jaws: The Revenge (1987)

Although borderline calamitous in its execution at times, I digested the terminal death rattle of the Jaws series (on a 4:3, open matte VHS taped off the telly, no less) so often as a nipper that when its filmic son of Scheider dons that yellow (symbolic of danger 😉 as discussed in our original Jaws pod) raincoat, and ventures out aboard a boat, I start to feel a bit queasy. It gives me the seasick creeps, because ultimately it doesn’t matter whether a film’s much cop—if it swims beneath our skin at a certain age, it can remain there forever—nostalgia-soaked; unmarred by even the most sagacious professional criticism.

Jaws: The Revenge has the nerve to plonk a Poundland Michael J. Fox (Mitchell Anderson) as Sean Brody—thankfully not the forgettable, miscast John Putch from Jaws 3-D underlined, in front of us, followed by the actual generic bearded lead, Lance Guest (The Last Starfighter) doing his most middling work since Halloween II as the late Chief’s eldest, Michael (the fourth and final incarnation of each Brody sprog—ensuring there’s absolutely no connective tissue, or through line whatsoever, and we, the audience, must again start from scratch with entirely new actors in these roles).

Then there’s what can only be described as an exhaustive thesis in ham and cheese by Michael (I bought my mum a new gaff, and had a lovely ‘oliday in the Bahamas with this dosh) Caine as the sozzled, seaplane-piloting, degenerate gambler, all round cheeky chappie, and patronising grandma on the verge of a nervous breakdown chaser, “Hoagie,” eliciting bemusing Oedipal jealousy all over the shop. I will confess to mimicking Michael pulling on his moustache whiskers in reverie, and very specifically toying with a pencil over the years, as these throwaway character bits have each crept into my own human behaviour—much like quoting Costner in The Bodyguard, and pressing lift buttons with my thumb like John McClane, so perhaps there’s more value to Guest’s performance here than I initially gave credit for.

The playground debate-baiting, would-be death of most folks’ fave Revenge character, Mario Van Peebles, as Jake baffled us all, causing playing field bickering beyond, as the BBC’s UK terrestrial screenings opted for the harsh finality of the U.S. theatrical cut ending, in which the Neptune’s Folly’s bow-breaks, and Jake is munched, taking a slo-mo plunge into the white shark’s gob (also his fate in Hank Searls’ novelisation), and yet other television showings chose to air the international home video and subsequent (otherwise butchered) DVD release denouement, which saw Jake miraculously return from the depths—bobbing up bitten and bloody, but very much alive. If the rumors are to be believed, it was a negative audience test screening demanding more ending excitement—hence the inexplicable exploding Jaws (of course the shark’s called “Jaws.” Here comes Jaws: Jaws the Shark—mind he doesn’t bite you with his enormous jaws), which also triggered a wet set reshoot, and the subsequent resurrection of Peebles.

Don’t get me wrong, I’m in no way saying Jaws: The Revenge is a good film. The shark is so clean, it looks like it just escaped from Florida’s Universal Studios—rubbery, restricted, jerky movements and all. The film is utterly devoid of logic at times, the daft—but aren’t we clever cut to the eye of a cod or whatever, Ellen being psychically-tied to a large mackerel shark, the clunky, sepia flashbacks, and awkward deployment of film grammar-destroying, nonsensical dream sequences. All that being said, it’s nevertheless a drastic improvement on Jaws 3-D.

After the Quaid-led mess of 3, it’s almost enough to just see Ellen Brody—it’s enough to bump into characters we know from the familiar town of Amity, taking the ferry, running down its now historic beaches, walking around the same locations as the first, following in the Chief’s footsteps—and call me nuts, but killing off the Marty McFly-esque red herring protagonist, Sean, in the opening moments is kinda brave. However, signs we may have jumped the shark—Fonzie-style, include the openly ridiculed, audibly roaring beast, a self-reflexive, meta moment where Jake disputably mimics John Williams’ Jaws theme over the underwater CB radio, and a whopping white pointer somehow navigating the narrow corridors of a wrecked ship—though to counter that, I do endlessly enjoy Michael’s bubbly, bends-inducing, yet ingenious use of a scuba tank to escape to the surface.

The mismatched, jumble sale sweater-vested dress sense—and even more muddled movie meanderings of America’s most birdbrained critical twosome, Shitskel and Eburk, each took delight in pointing out the picture’s finale was bizarrely missing an appropriate master shot to clue audiences into what was actually occurring. They’re not wrong; they’re just assholes. The bonkers levels of bloody geyser-spurt render the uncut version more satisfying—albeit in a preposterous way, but the death of The Revenge’s Carcharodon carcharias is an underwhelming catastrophe in the theatrical. The sequence drastically needed truncating. Although, I believe the filmmakers had enough coverage, as even an amateur YouTuber managed to experimentally trim the existing footage, and it’s a marked improvement—if a little abrupt, and crude in form.

S&E’s review lives in infamy as being among the most notorious, harshest, and arguably funniest reviews from their At the Movies segments, with the rotund, human dough-boy—schlubby Lego man, Ebert, peering at us achingly, like a bullied toddler through thick, jam jar glasses, hungrily pointing out logical fallacies regarding the shark’s POV, and pleading for acceptance from anyone who’ll listen. Then there’s the weedy Gene—candidate for world’s most asexual man—all corpse-like, with beige dismissals of truly great movies being a thing of regular occurrence, which I constantly attempt to capture in our Critics’ Corner segments. The snidey Siskel spouted, An idiotic script sinks the whole show.” He loathed the dream sequences, appeared apoplectic, and relayed that audiences in his theatre were groaning, and that he felt an urge to punch a hole in the screen—which would’ve likely done more damage to his puny limbs than the theatrical paraphernalia.

Not wanting to be outdone, Ebert boastingly recounted shouting, “His shirt is dry!” aloud in his cinema showing, to which no doubt the entire audience lifted him up onto their shoulders, and declared him king of the pedants. He may have got a laugh from that particular preview audience, and I’m sure that gave him some semblance of satisfaction, being the desperate toad he is. As Ebert observed, “Mrs Brody could be haunted by flashbacks to events where she was not present, and that, in some cases, no survivors witnessed.” My infantile brain didn’t care. The Siskmeister General also latched onto the bugbear continuity error of a dry Caine when he clambers back on board the Folly after his seaplane vs shark altercation. They were obviously so bored that they noticed. I myself did not—especially as a little ‘un.

Jaws: The Revenge houses, “Old, cheap, lousy gimmicks,” which is rich coming from these two—their TV careers, at least, were based entirely upon the wafer-thin premise of two mutts pathetically bickering over movies for ratings. “Live in Iowa is the answer!” they chuckle. These two jerk-offs yank each other’s chains and giggle over the ineptitude of films that neither of them could’ve put together in a million years. They were clearly teased as children, and hold grudges against anything, and everyone they can, taking a palpable delight in the faux-intellectual destruction of someone’s art, whether it be Tobe Hooper’s The Texas Chain Saw Massacre, David Lynch’s Blue Velvet, or Joseph Sargent’s Jaws: The Revenge. In future, I’ll be looking to their British counterpart—the equally elderly but more measured, Barry Norman instead.

Late Comedian Richard Jeni’s face-slapping, career-defining, four-minute Johnny Carson Tonight Show appearance mostly milked the Brodys’ bloodthirsty Bahamas trip for material. Jeni recounts renting all four Jaws movies in a row, and joked The Revenge‘s title should have been, “Here’s a fish. You’re stupid.” He continued, “It’s 4 in the morning. You’re sitting there with one sweat sock and a burrito watching a shark that only kills one family out of an entire ocean full of perfectly edible people, for no reason that we ever explain. Call me a spinal column with a bucket of popcorn, but you couldn’t be stupid enough to enjoy it.” Well, I sure proved him wrong!

I was so miffed by these so-called reviews, with the majority of critics halfheartedly sticking the boot in with stale, self-evident assertions. It’s an easy target, and it struck me as indolent and quite elementary, as they rarely peered beyond the sluggish demise of the creature with its nonsensical roaring, and the dopey, misguided premise that the same shark family is chasing the same Brody bunch. There’s certainly a case for The Revenge being more of a laugh than Jaws 2, and in my mind it’s infinitely better than the indefensible Jaws 3-D. I invariably try to sneak The Revenge in somewhere between Boxing Day and New Year, because never mind the Die Hard non-debate, this is a Christmas film! Why not double bill it with The Muppet Christmas Carol for a second slice of Crimbo Caine? After all, what says Christmas more than the child character from your favourite film, bathed in red light, writhing in agony and grasping at a limb that’s no longer there whilst carols are sung joyously on the shore by cheery Amity islanders? Belated berry crumble to you all!

Hail to the King, Baby

Army of Darkness (1992)

Once upon a time, I had this UK horror/fantasy film magazine—kind of like Fangoria, but not. The name escapes me, but it featured a run down of the practical effects work in Hocus Pocus—the guy’s mouth sewn shut, and Army of Darkness, with its various Deadite designs, Evil Ash, etc. I’ll have been no older than 10, and those images seared into my brain and stayed with me. I didn’t see Army until a “bootleg version” inexplicably titled, Bruce Campbell vs. Army of Darkness, wrapped in phony brown paper bag DVD packaging, arrived on region 1 US DVD circa the early noughties. As a Brit, I didn’t grow up watching Raimi’s beloved Three Stooges. In fact, I’ve still never seen anything in full, but as a child of the ’80s, I did religiously absorb Blackadder, The Young Ones, and Bottom, which all helped prepare me for its slapstick elements. Speaking of the genius, Rik Mayall, there’s a hilarious Drop Dead Fred-esque face-stretching incident in Army when Ash picks the wrong Necronomicon.

Love is blind, and I love Army of Darkness. For all its faults and flaws, inconsistencies, and glaring mistakes, it’s a joke that I am happily in on. Is horror/fantasy Allhalloween appropriate? For me, unequivocally yes. Although it has crones, thunder and lightning storms, and howling at the moon, I was still slightly concerned whether a magic spells, swords and sorcery story would be the ideal tonal fit for Hallowe’en, but it really plays. Army of Darkness—the ultimate experience in medieval horror—what is essentially Evil Dead III, aka The Medieval Dead is my daft as a brush, skeleton-packed, off-the-wall faux-epic pick to keep you cackling after 8pm.

The year is 1300 A.D. and our ol’ mate—the long tormented (mostly by Sam Raimi) sap stranded in, or out of time, Ash—after being sucked through a mind-bending vortex along with Sam’s trusty Oldsmobile at the climax of the previous picture, finds himself a shackled, pilloried, and whipped prisoner. After impressing the primates with his twelve gauge Remington “boomstick” from the sporting goods department of S-Mart, the peasants begin to hail “he who has come from the sky,” laying on a harem of wenches who feed him grapes as he scoffs chicken legs like he’s Henry VIII. However, the foolishness and spinelessness of Ash means disaster is always just around the corner.

Evil Dead II is a cinematic bible to me, and I completely adore KNB’s (Kurtzmann, Nicotero, and Berger) practical puppetry, make up, and Army of Darkness Deadites, especially as they were working 24/7 on a measly $800 a week for this non-union shoot. How folks can say these effects aren’t masterly is beyond me. Army is incredibly cinematic—whether it be the forest of bendy rubber trees, Introvision front-projection composites, force perspective miniatures, matte paintings, the “she-bitch,” or the flying Green Goblin Deadite attacks. 86 minutes really flies by.

Earmuffs, “Ringers,” but the final flurry castle raid is arguably better than the battle for Helm’s Deep, and for my money, any Game of Thrones episode. Does The Two Towers have a squadron of talking crossbow skeletons? Nope. Does GoT have a ginger-bearded, bony bagpipe band with a femur flute soloist? Don’t think so. I easily get battle fatigue during these kinds of lengthy clashes, but the theatrical cut of Army pitches it just about right. Elements of a personal fave, 1991’s Robin Hood: Prince of Thieves also leapt out, including throwing the ladder down, Ash cutting the rope and flying up the castle side, and impaling an attacking witch with a spear using her own momentum to skewer her.

Campbell continuously moans that Army should be a PG as opposed to an R, but having said that, censorship when done right isn’t simply the arbitrary exclusions of sex, violence, and cussin’—it’s about eliminating potential mimicry. Yes, this is a film that features loquacious skellingtons and a spurting blood geyser, but a man also skillets his face off a hot stove, and pours boiling hot water down his throat, which (crucially, as far as censors are concerned) doesn’t burn him—and perhaps most egregiously, the movie features a quite disturbing, gropey sexual assault of Sheila in the presence of the newly resurrected, exhumed, skeletal Army of the Dead.

Bruce Campbell antagonist and director of Army of Darkness, Sam Raimi, can be witnessed wearing a French beret, barking theatrical directions into a megaphone like a certifiable Cecil B DeMille. Raimi allegedly briefed youthful cinematographer, Bill Pope (Darkman, The Matrix, Scott Pilgrim vs. the World, Baby Driver) on his ways of working prior to hiring him, saying words to the effect of, “So, buddy. I’m gonna tell you exactly where to put the camera, how high to put the camera, what lens to put on the camera, where I want the camera to move to, how fast, and what speed.” When Pope agreed to those terms, Raimi conceded, “Actually, I have no idea about lenses, or light, or any of that stuff. I was just testing you to see if I could push you around.”

There’s something mechanical, almost clockwork about Raimi and Pope’s palpable, creative cinematography here—the nonstop intricate ballet between the camera operator, and Bruce, with the precision of the moves contrarily retaining a handmade feel. It’s brilliantly shot and lit, and without doubt, one of the most visually inventive films I’ve ever seen. The classic “force” POV splitting tree trunks in half in its wake, the swaying camerawork eliciting feelings of queasiness and vertigo, and that incredible tracking shot with all the characters turning camera left, and ending on Bruce, as everyone eyes Ash is a real sight for sore bones. Traditional film grammar aside, this is a movie that expresses itself using every kind of shot you could possibly imagine, but it’s also fluent in cinematic punctuation—the communicative way moments are emphasised and underlined. Raimi’s kinetic skills always shine though, no matter how absurd it gets.

Whether he’s in a Hitchcockian shirt and tie, smoking endless cigarettes, calling everyone “buddy,” tormenting Bruce by making him flap his arms and squawk like a chicken, or run around with his foot nailed to the floor, Raimi abuses his directorial authority in the most mischievous of ways. Some directors acquire positions of power to get laid—Raimi just wanted to chuck dummy skeletons at Bruce from off camera. He has an uncanny knack for filling his frames meticulously and unsparingly—creating, at times, an overwhelmingly detailed sensory experience. Take the fantastically immersive nature of Army‘s Skywalker Sound mix. Raimi’s crash zooms are accentuated by the clanking of cast iron hits during Ash’s gearing up. I adore the Army of the Dead’s ADR ad libs—it’s all so dense, and when the skeletons start chattering away, that’s some of my most treasured stuff. The film editing credit, “R.O.C. Sandstorm” was actually a Sam Raimi pseudonym, as after the his previous picture, Darkman was recut by Universal against his wishes, he had to boldly, and covertly tinker with the movie a mere 48 hours before release. Sam resolutely did not want history to repeat, so opted to infiltrate his own edit room undercover with support from long-time collaborator, Robert Tapert.

Personally, I could watch exploding skeletons all day long. Alas, Dino De Laurentiis would disagree. “Let’s have two skeletons blowing up instead of five,” De Laurentiis would dictate, as a method of slashing Army‘s run time down. Sam’s half of the movie—the bits he edited, ended up quite lengthy and less disciplined—some may argue, overindulgent. Raimi allegedly said to his editor, “Dino is old, and he won’t remember his notes, so you don’t have to follow them.” Then Dino would become enraged because he did remember, and after making specific requests, there were still five exploding skeletons instead of two. The “I slept too long!” ending with Joseph LoDuca’s enormous, booming score (Danny Elfman’s involvement was limited to a single “The March of the Dead” cue) was legitimately disturbing back in the day. In spite of Army being an overtly daft film—same with Evil Dead II, which I saw aged 15 or so, and was horrified by Ted Raimi’s sweet Henrietta, then found myself suddenly laughing along with my school mates, Rob and Phil, and then secretly scared again. It was, and still is, the perfect balancing act of humour and horror. Army teeters more on the precipice of silliness, and occasionally stumbles and plummets over the edge, but in the interest of sheer Hallowe’en spirit—enjoyment and laughter as well as terror, it fits the brief.

This alternate, Planet of the Apes-esque conclusion from the longer cut definitely has its tragic merits, but I much prefer the action-packed, upbeat, heroic, S-Mart-set, hideous horror hag ending from the truncated theatrical—sans the former’s spliced back in, lower quality scenes. It’s (I believe) canonical in terms of what followed, although I’m not proficient. The Evil Dead films are very much a closed loop trilogy to me. As Gali often says, the series has “grown arms and legs.” The 86-minute theatrical also boasts the, “Come get some,” and “Hail to the king, baby,” zingers that 1996’s Duke Nukem 3-D so shamelessly stole, as well as Robbie Hart’s jilting fiancée from The Wedding Singer (in the Van Halen T-shirt), making out with Bruce. Mournfully, the edit room floor eradication of Charles Napier as Ash’s boss is, I’m sure, one of cinema’s greatest tragedies.

Army of Darkness is a complete oddity in the sense that Universal, and De Laurentiis forked $11 million in the first place to produce a picture with a deliberately dislikable and contemptible coward as their lead protagonist. Army is, in a way, the pinnacle of the Evil Dead series in respect to the character of Ash, but it’s not as representative, harsh, or as darkly visceral and frightening as Evil Dead II. Bruce Campbell is Buster Keaton in Dead By Dawn—plate smashing and body flipping, but here he’s Elvis Presley. Campbell is comedically adept, physically fit—in peak condition, and dare I say devilishly handsome—to the degree that we are forced to ponder why he wasn’t a bigger commercial star.

Having said that, in the longer bootleg cut, the contentious slapstick windmill segment is twice as long as the theatrical, and feels thrice as long. Although a tad long-winded and annoyingly broad—and featuring the obnoxiously goofy mini-Ashes, it’s essentially another nifty Bruce Campbell one-man show. His solo second act here is admittedly hard to swallow at times, as the more compelling and comical moments revolve around Ash interacting with the medieval folk. Let’s just be grateful the fabled deleted sequence, in which Ash gets caught up in a can-can line of dancing skeletons was vetoed, as that may have represented the crossing of a tonal line in the sand. Although, I still don’t think I’d hate it.

Of course, Campbell is not entirely alone here. There’s the striking Embeth Davidtz (Schindler’s List), with her truly creepy pallid transformation into Evil Sheila, “Chop Top” Bill Mosley (The Texas Chainsaw Massacre 2, House of 1000 Corpses, The Devil’s Rejects), a bafflingly brief Bridget Fonda cameo (she loved the first two movies), as our third different Linda, and loyal brotherly stalwart, Ted Raimi pops up in count ‘em, four roles—Cowardly Warrior, Supportive Villager, S-Mart Clerk, and Brave Fighter.

Mixed and middling reviews, meshed with a strange marketing ploy to sell the film as if it were somehow detached from the beloved Evil Dead series, as opposed to the essential, climactic third part of a trilogy, sent Army hurtling into the cult classic category like a catapulted skull. Those primates, Siskel and Ebert—like stuffy grandparents were never willing or able to understand Army of Darkness, and that suits me just fine, cos who’d want to glance around and see those two critics’ corner squares at your happenin’ Hallowe’en gathering? Miserable bags of bones.

With the kind of inane nattering that would be more at home at a bus stop than on a film criticism TV chat show, America’s dumbest critical duo barely scratched the surface of anything they reviewed on At the Movies, and Raimi’s sequel was no exception. Their primitive intellects wouldn’t understand alloys and compositions, and things with molecular structures, slapstick coughing skeletons, botched incantations, or flying Deadites. In Gene Siskel’s unsurprisingly smug, joyless, sarcastic, condescending faux-analysis, he whinged that Army of Darkness didn’t have the wit of Back to the Future. Only a soulless, movie-misunderstander such as Siskel would view this highly humorous, film-literate homage as “a rip-off of Ray Harryhausen’s (Jason and the Argonauts) stop motion skeletons,” and cruelly remark that, “They’re more compelling than any of the humans in the film.” I mean, what is wrong with this geezer? At least Roger Ebert praised the film’s effects, and felt Raimi was making The Naked Gun of horror by spoofing medieval warfare films—which isn’t quite on the money, but not a million miles from the truth. He also stuck up for Bruce by saying Campbell does exactly what the role calls for.

Halloween Party

Night of the Demons (1988)

Right. It’s unquestionably time to put the brood to bed, and anyone squeamish, or overly concerned about nudity can step out now, too. From Kevin Tenney, director of Witchboard, comes, “a slasher film with no slasher.” Don’t scoff any razorblade apples, whatever you do, because we’re entering the closet belonging to our acid-head mother for a movie I wasn’t familiar with until researching this saga—1988’s Night of the Demons. This film had its original title of Halloween Party blocked by the Michael Myers Halloween franchise overlord—Syrian-American movie mogul, Moustapha Akkad, who threatened a spoilsport lawsuit for infringing on his beloved cash cow.

This one is set on Hallowe’en night, so that’s a promising start. The opening shot of Night of the Demons is rock ‘n’ roll blaring from a teenagers’ car somewhere in the suburbs, with a pumpkin stuck on their roof, and a fat bloke half-arsedly dressed as a pig, calling his female friend a bitch and yelling, “Happy Halloween… asshole!” at a curmudgeonly pensioner. That paints a pretty accurate picture of what will follow. The adolescents sack off their lame-o high school dance in favor of bohemian misfit, Angela’s gothic gathering at Hull House—a now abandoned crematorium by the cemetery where the funeral parlor owners just happened to go full maniac at Hallowe’en years before. As the teen bozos party into the night, Angela’s sexy séance transforms the snarky dudes, and dudesses into hideous demonic creatures of the night, who begin to kill and devour one another.

As her crude, wisecracking little brother, Billy would put it—nice gal Alice in Wonderland with the “bodacious boobies” or “big cha-chas,” Judy is our prudent female lead. In addition to this “pretty little piece,” the malleable-mouthed, lipstick boob artist and doll faced, Suzanne is played with saucy relish by an arse-out Linnea Quigley (Nightmare Sisters, Savage Streets, the aerobic spoof, Linnea Quigley’s Horror Workout, Assault of the Party Nerds 2: The Heavy Petting Detective, Girls Gone Dead) who—Meet Me Halfway bonus edition—is introduced to us properly bent over, perusing Tide detergents with a full screen upskirt of her pink-pantied posterior. Which is how she spends the majority of the movie, actually—flashing anything and everything, front and back, in a frilly pink dress—distracting convenience store employees whilst Angela robs booze and snacks.

Linnea quite confidently owns this role, yet in spite of Night of the Demons only being 3 years later, she doesn’t hit the mindbogglingly bewitching physical heights of the equally nudie, Return of the Living Dead. A stand out gross out moment for her is when future Quigley beau and special-effects dude, Steve Johnson’s effects (Ghostbusters, Fright Night, Dead Heat, A Nightmare on Elm Street 4: The Dream Master) aid her inexplicably, but quite seamlessly with a Cronenbergian body horror technique, as Suzanne stuffs her lipstick inside an invisible nipple cavity.

Night of the Demons feels kind of porno-sleazy; a bit naughty, and the gore is legitimately repulsive at times. It revolves around perversion, and screwy characters who just want to fool around. They talk about cute boys, and the bros are awful to the chicks, with a plethora of insults and awful behavior—especially the fat, John Belushi-aping, pig-man slob, Stooge—whose abusive language eventually meets its match with Angela‘s tongue-gobbling, feminist revenge. But even the so-called nice guys like Jay, whose jock head is turned at the slightest attractive female presence, leaps at the chance to ditch his date, Judy.

Then there’s the pirate, Alvin Alexis as the not so jolly Rodger—with his (almost) perpetually, glum expression—breaking new ground as perhaps the first African American slasher secondary to live through to the completion of a horror film (don’t check that, it’s likely spurious). Although, I did discover a few comments from people of colour appreciating that Rodger made it to the end—albeit as the result of cowardly, sensible decisions and logical, rational choices, bordering on scaredy-cat tactics—such as spending a chunk of the film hiding in a car. Rodger really represents the audience here as he’s arguably one of the only likable characters.

Night of the Demons racks up the nudity, and the fake-out jump scares with a multitude of boos, woo-hoos, and ooga-boogas. There’s skulls and sarcasm, wrong turns, low-lying mist, pratfalls and pranks, candelabras, strategically placed pumpkins, and characters in costume—Max and Frannie as a doctor and, I assume, his patient, brewskis, dirt bags hiding in coffins, doors slamming of their own volition, broken down cars, and broken mirrors—speaking of which, the Pat Benatar Best Shot Award goes to the bit that cleverly captures and neatly frames our entire ensemble, if you will, in the shattered shards of glass, framing everyone perfectly. Technically speaking, it’s a marvellous composition. Along with the Beetlejuice-esque finger-candles gag, and wild contra-zooms, Evil Dead fans will instantly clock the demon force POV—although clearly a rip-off, it’s homaged stylishly with shameless bravado. Night of the Demons‘ dynamic, mobile camera feels firmly in the vein of Raimi—as is the spurting eye-gouge, and over the top, Kewpie doll makeup, which is seemingly pinched from Linda in the 1981 original.

This pick comes with caveats—the score is cacophonous and a bit maddening with its naff, intermittent keyboard stings—honestly, there’s a fraction too much snarling and gurgling in dimly lit hallways, but perfectly executed camera moves like the 90° rotation during the mortuary make out between Judy and Jay, the 360° Angela and Stooge smooch, plus the harsh barbed wire wall climb, which is cringily visceral, and in contrast to the bloody theatrics of what has come before, actually gets under your skin. The motion control, double exposure-showcasing title sequence is also certainly a visual highlight, but it’s unquestionably Angela’s provocatively-possessed, cheeky full moon-flashing, “Stigmata Martyr” spinning and twirling fireside waltz that really takes the cake. Her Cleo Rocos-esque, bendy grind n’ crawl, and strobed strut in fingerless gloves—arched almost supernaturally in black lingerie, marks Night of the Demons‘ second exposed derrière, and much like movies such as Vamp, or From Dusk Till Dawn, it’s a strategically-placed, seductive segue, which serves to transition audiences into the gory second half of the picture.

Nothing But a Doodle

Evil Toons (1992)

The midnight hour is upon us! First, they undress you, then they possess you. It’s time to turn in, or turn on! I may be a total creep for picking it, but this sleazy slot belongs to Fred Olen Ray’s Evil Toons—the dumbest, shortest, sleaziest horror I could exhume from my psyche. My rationale was, you’re probably feeling a bit silly by now—your brain is almost certainly kaput, you’re probably sloshed, cream-crackered, or just plain sick of horror movies. So send the weans to bed, and all sane-minded or sober companions home. The stage is set for Evil Toons—a lowbrow, spoofy send-up of haunted house films with one seemingly original conceit—human-on-drawing commingling. This particular kink went public in the weighty commercial wake of Cool World, Space Jam, and most notably, 1988’s tantalising Who Framed Roger Rabbit. Olen Ray leapt on the bandwagon, and chucked a pervy, animated wolf that’s on screen for a mere one minute and 30 seconds into his campy slasher. And yes, there’s just the one titular “evil toon”—rendering the title itself a bald-faced lie. The composite photography, animation, and rotoscoping isn’t half bad—there’s just barely any of it.

Made for the HBO/Showtime market before the scream queen movie bubble popped with 1995’s Witch Academy, and shot simultaneously with/overlapping Olen Ray’s Spirits from 1990, Evil Toons was purportedly shot in just eight days for $140,000. I thought Night of the Demons was my proud, new trashy discovery, but this takes the cheese biscuit—a spooky, erotic, fantasy horror-comedy with a murderous hell house softcore porno plot. From the director behind Hollywood ChainSaw Hookers, Scream Queen Hot Tub Party, Attack of the 60-Foot Centerfold, Bikini Frankenstein, and Harlots of the Caribbean: Dead Girl’s Chest. I’m uncertain how many of those are “legit” films, and how many are merely softcore porn. Here, Gary Graver’s Halloweeny photography occasionally pops, Sherman Scott’s (actually writer/director Fred Olen Ray’s pseudonym, as he didn’t like seeing his name appear too many times in the credits) dumb as a rock—yet admittedly self-aware screenplay leaves an awful lot to be desired, and Chuck Serino’s music peculiarly seems to play at wrong, inopportune moments. Inexplicably, monotonous score music drones over what would’ve otherwise been fairly effective jump scares. It’s almost as if they rushed this through post-production! Of course, when the tit-mad Olen Ray does miraculously carve out a moment of suspense, the telltale, soon-to-be animated wolf effects shots have decreased in quality to such a massive degree, that the moment is robbed of any real tension or unease—we instantly twig that the monster is about to pop out.

You won’t be shocked to hear there’s nothing particularly clever going on—ever, but Evil Toons does have the retro, clunky charm of a scene from the video game Night Trap, or the gentler aspects of countless slashers of the day. The acting resembles an average episode of Baywatch, and is about as intellectually challenging. It’s about as scary as Scooby Doo, with hokey horror tropes such as exaggerated, hysterical screaming, constant thunderstorms, Mr Hinchlow’s lame jump scare, terminal hickeys, bloody nighties, demonic shape-shifting, ancient incantations, and kissing Beelzebub’s butt. However, it’s acutely genre-referential in a tongue-in-cheek fashion, and self-aware to the point where the gals actually reference it directly. For example, there are pre-Scream, genre-savvy lines like, “It’s a dark, stormy night and we’re four young, attractive girls in a big, spooky house all alone. If we don’t go downstairs one at a time, how will we ever get bumped off without the others knowing about it?” and “How come every time you stay in an old, spooky house it has to lightning and thunder?”

Burt, played by the eternally-welcome Dick Miller (The Terminator, Gremlins)—who, hilariously for some reason, doesn’t know what a contortionist is—arrives in a white van creeper-mobile, resembling something Buffalo Bill might pop to Sofology® in, but chock full of hot, consenting coeds—these sorority chicks are set to score 100 bucks a piece if they can clean the house, stay overnight, and get picked up the next day with a spick and span home ready for the new owners to occupy. Burt calls these lasses “kids,” but if I’m generous, the youngest among them probably looks around 28, and as for the eldest—plucky, maternal cougar, team leader, and Olen Ray squeeze, Suzanne Ager (Inner Sanctum, The Bikini Carwash Company, and Buford’s Beach Bunnies) as Terry, could, in all honesty, pass for mid-to-late 40s—or older, depending on the camera angle and lighting. Of course, you’d never suspect it from the director’s male gazey, caboose-showcasing, reverse angle of her bent over backside as all the ladies’ arced, lined-up rears are boldly pointed skyward whilst retrieving cleaning products from Burt’s van.

All is going well with our motley crew of porno actresses and low-end scream queens until creepy bloke, David Carradine (Kung-Fu, Bound for Glory, Kill Bill) delivers a book with a face on it—a Kandarian warlock’s demon spells from late 17th century England, brought to America by Gideon Fisk in the early 1930s, and the pesky source of all the problems plaguing the house. Another 40-year-old college “kid,” Biff Bullock isn’t the only thing that’s turning up around midnight—expect some hair-raising company, and a bit of soul eating, as it captures fresh souls to go to hell (providing they’re tangy, but not too tart).

Alongside bird-woman, Terry, is the shy, smart girl, and “little miss egghead,” Megan—our bespectacled, sweatpants-adorned, preposterously well-endowed, virginial yet self-admiring redhead lead, played by 1982 Penthouse Pet, Monique Gabrilelle (Emmanuelle 5, Amazon Women on the Moon, Deathstalker II, Silk 2, and maybe most memorably to some, Bachelor Party—yeah, she’s that girl in the bedroom with Tom Hanks). A most diverting game to play during Evil Toons is closely watching Megan’s screams to detect if she’s actually stifling laughter—which is a lot of the time. Oddly, I didn’t mind at all, because it just shows how much of a laugh they’re all having making this daft movie. Gabrielle‘s ponytail even stands erect at one point to illustrate her petrified terror. In a film such as this, why there is no payoff for Megan’s apparent carnal cravings to be a promiscuous, sexually-liberated young woman is anybody’s guess. Perhaps the chaste must live on in horror—but that being said, everyone does anyway in this preposterously-plotted picture.

Adult film actress, Madison Stone is arguably the star—she’s on the video box cover, and makes for an interesting Google if you don’t mind clearing your history afterwards. Madison plays the raven-haired, spandex-clad, Roxanne—a Kathleen Hanna-esque, Pamela Adlon-y, sorta Shannon Doherty-alike, whose klutzy shenanigans—including bizarrely alluring, ditzy yet determined wine bottle opening techniques that inevitably result in upended legs, and whose striptease twerking pulled the football captain, made her a firm favourite—just don’t ask what she’s doing with that butter. The possessed incarnation of Roxanne is incapable of pouncing on and devouring any of her gal pals without first ripping their tops open to expose their chests, before gnawing at their throats—classic deployment of the jugs before jugulars rule. Jan may struggle to eat sandwiches, but still, the early ‘90s feathered hairdo’d blondie, Stacy Nix, is another fave, and is—prepare to go incognito, trivia fans, also a porn actress, subsequently renamed, “Barbara Dare.”

As much as an enlightened, modern gent can get a kick out of the audacious, abundant T and A on display here, I’m not sure I could’ve justified picking Evil Toons without the sheer movie presence of the male supporting cast—namely the aforementioned Dick Miller, and David Carradine. Kill Bill Carradine turns up looking like a cross between a dirty Doc Brown, and the 1990s incarnation of WWF superstar, The Undertaker. In a bit of future Bangkok, fishnet-wearing, bondage in a closet foreshadowing, Carradine—who filmed for perhaps a day or two, but is peppered throughout the entire movie, hangs himself in the opening moments *insert sadomasochistic, auto-erotic asphyxiation joke here.* The ham and cheese-flavoured Carradine plays Gideon Fisk—lurking and loitering aimlessly, clutching pretty much the exact Necronomicon—the smirking, human flesh-bound book from The Evil Dead—if it was sold on Wish.

There’s a commendably meta moment where “that guy” Dick Miller is watching himself lose his cat in 1959’s horror/comedy, A Bucket of Blood—no doubt because it’s public domain, whilst smoking one of his trademark cigars. Before his inexplicably attractive girlfriend—the lingerie-clad scream queen, Michelle Bauer (Café Flesh, Tied & Tickled, Night of the Living Babes, Sorority Babes in the Slimeball Bowl-O-Rama, and Assault of the Party Nerds Part 2: Heavy Petting Detective—I could go on) cameo helps sell a half-decent sex toy jackhammer gag. I’d watch Dick do almost anything—even read the Transylvania yellow pages, but the scene here, in which he is fellated by a fanged Roxanne, and caterwauls, “Oh boy, oh boy, oh boy… oh my Gooood!” hilariously like he’s in a pervy pantomime, really pushed that rule to its limit. I’m lying—it’s probably the best bit, and in my mind, is now way up there with Miller and Schwarzenegger’s gun shop interaction in The Terminator.

Granted, there’s not enough of the Roger Rabbit-style, live action and animation blending, and what does exist is fleeting. Evil Toons lures us in with the (crossed fingers) broken exploitation promise of sexually deviant cartoon characters running wild, and delivers very little of it. Hoodwinked by a title! The somewhat shrewd writer/director, Olen Ray pulled the ol’ bait and switch, substituting toons for titties. The twisted yet tempting potential for sexual liaisons between alluring ladies and raunchy renderings was the uniquely kinky kicker required to pitch and sell the movie, but we only get one such encounter, and it’s actually a frankly unpleasant and violent assault. When it finally arrives, there’s nothing titillating about the scene—we watch aghast, and then it promptly passes.

If anything’s unsettling about any of the films I picked, it’s Evil Toons, as the juxtaposition of childlike animation, abundant female nudity, and toon-rape are all employed amidst an amusingly scored softcore sequence. The monster is essentially just a rubbish Tasmanian devil; a dirty talking, ravenous cartoon wolf. He’s generic, but he’s a killer. Of course, when the perverse pangs of guilt inevitably hit us, we can rest assured, the cast are all in on it—everyone involved in this movie knows exactly what kind of film it is, and presumably, as long as the cheques clear, they’re all A-OK with it. This is neither the most misogynistic, nor exploitative motion picture these women have chosen to endure in their careers. What rescues Evil Toons from unforgivable seediness is, the girls are having as much fun as the audience, which makes it charming, comparatively gentle when compared to -other slasher films, and unadulterated, campy fun with an all’s-well-that-ends-well ending—in which the ghostly Kill Bill declares the demons never existed, and neither did he, before vanishing in a cloak of electric lightning.

Evil Toons is another Evil Dead-adjacent, book of spells come down, and has quickly become the guiltiest of all my guilty horror movie pleasures. It’s the kind of zero effort pleasure you may take from meditation—just zoning out; the kind of film you wish you’d caught on late night telly when you were 12 or 13, and beyond. Can I, in all good faith, recommend it? Yeah, go on then. Evil Toons exists solely as a silly, naughty nudie romp—a delicious, brainless cheesecake, perfect for a midnight unwind—and not once was my brain used! If you’re still uncertain, what are you chickens waiting for? Just heed these wise words, “Remember, in times of trouble, let your conscience be your guide.”

No Life Jacket Required

Jaws (1975)

How do we even begin to discuss, or write about our favourite films? Is Jaws the greatest ever? I can’t say—it’s so subjective. But it’s my favourite. I know that much. It’s perhaps impossible to express my deep-seated adoration for it, but let’s try. Stanley Kubrick’s The Shining (once level-pegging) has, as of this year, been relegated to second place in my rankings, as although it’s technically superior in many ways to Jaws—the cinematography, labyrinthine depths of the tale, its applicability—it still doesn’t provide the primal buzz; the effervescent emotion, and sheer joy of Steven Spielberg’s 1975 classic.

As a naive lad, I was daft enough to rate the films in the Jaws series according to the demise of the shark. Air tank canister explosion vs power line chomping vs incineration vs skewered by the broken bow of Ellen Brody’s ship. I couldn’t quite detect why people viewed Jaws: The Revenge as a poor entry, and rewatched Jaws 2 endlessly for its shark electrocution denouement. I was, however, always cine-savvy enough to know that Jaws 3 was absolute shite. I’ve perhaps seen it just one and a half times in my entire life. Not even my Innerspace hero, Tuck (Dennis Quaid) Pendleton could salvage, or get me even remotely interested in that abomination. But the first is, simply put, everything I look for in a film. I revisit it once a year on average, sometimes more, and it flaws me every single time. I laugh, cry, always cheer at the end of the incendiary third act, and if it’s ever on telly, I must watch it to its beach-side conclusion.

Back in 2007, I was gearing-up to make the final, major production for my MA filmmaking degree. I was set to write and direct Sycamores—a vaguely amusing, but ultimately too cluttered, grandiose and ambitious, wannabe Wes Anderson (but British), Garden State-y, Hal Ashby’s Harold and Maude/Being There meets unintentional Preston Sturges story-steal (Hail the Conquering Hero) short film, that sadly fell apart when my producer (the only producer in my year, I might add) requested “changes.” So, I went back to the drawing board, and back home to Catterick Village—initially to sulk, and curse the film school, and then to regroup, rebuild, and rewrite something from scratch. I remember thinking, I’m 25 years old, and if this is the last film I ever make—it very nearly was, until recently (13 years later), when I wrapped The Self-Seers—what do I want it to be? What story do I want to tell, and what films and filmmakers do I want to draw influence from? The answer was undoubtedly Steven Spielberg and Jaws.

So, I dipped into a book I’d had since a few Christmases before—The Seven Basic Plots: Why We Tell Stories by Christopher Booker, and the very first chapter was entitled, “Overcoming the Monster.” It sounded so enduring, made total sense to me, and the stories and films Booker referenced were among my all-time favourites. I combined this revelation with a hunt through my old primary school work from the late ’80s and early ’90s, seeking inspiration from my earliest attempts to write stories. Serendipitously, I stumbled upon an X-Files rip-off and my monster in one fell swoop—a large, predatory wildcat, akin to the legendary Beast of Bodmin Moor, et al. The Wilds was born—a 15-minute short, shot on Super 16 (with an Arriflex SRII), about a farmer, whose community is plagued—and son is eventually slain by—a black panther-like creature, roaming the Yorkshire Dales, and must vengefully venture out alone to hunt and kill it. I sought the council of my best friend, Sam Hollis, who generously co-wrote the screenplay with me, and we got a green light from Leeds Metropolitan University to produce it together. Fans of The Rewind Movie Podcast should note, I choppered in The Northern Film School’s A-team of Gali (1st AD), Devlin (camera assistant), and friend of the show Joe Mac (gaffer), to aid the production.

The Wilds is basically Jaws, but where I grew up. Chief Brody is now a farmer, a kid dies, the ending is an homage to/pinched from the “Smile, you son of a bitch” closer, with our protagonist firing round after round, in a hail of gunfire, towards an oncoming monster dashing directly towards him. There’s a slow-motion climax, before our hero returns home triumphant, albeit with unshakable trauma from the tragedy that befell the town, and his family, forever in his mind. It’s all there, and honestly, most of that was unconsciously stolen. Being forced to select what could be the last crack you ever take at filmmaking was enlightening, as it unveiled what perhaps always was, and now certainly remains my favourite film.

I used to think Steven Spielberg made all the films. Spielberg, Frank Marshall, and Kathleen Kennedy, to be more exact, as their names were present on just about every opening credit sequence I absorbed as a kid. Amblin’s films were ubiquitous to say the least. With a batch of shorts from 1959-’68, Spielberg directed telly episodes of Night Gallery, Marcus Welby, M.D., and Columbo, before blowing the doors off with the hypnotically captivating TV movie, Duel, in 1971.

I tried to articulate this exact sentiment when it came to John McTiernan, and specifically his films, Predator and Die Hard—to me, Spielberg is always trustworthy, thoughtful, and considerate in terms of the audience, and these traits are what elevate him above other capable but unexceptional filmmakers. He’s completely concerned with either providing, or hiding information—from how his images are seen and interpreted, to precisely when the music plays. He’s in control, and we’re in his safe, steady hands—viewers can’t relax otherwise.

The genesis of several key scenes from Jaws was particularly revealing. Spielberg was understandably skeptical before signing on to direct, but liked the third act of the book so much, that he wrote a whole draft of the screenplay himself. He scripted the nighttime scene on the pier with Charlie and his buddy, and their holiday roast bait, where the jetty is dragged out to sea by the shark—that was all from Spielberg’s initial pass. We see it suddenly stop, and then terrifyingly turn—along with our stomachs. Again, it’s a skillful cinematic technique, and one of many Spielberg employed to show the shark without showing the shark

I found it interesting that Spielberg chose to write and direct Close Encounters of the Third Kind next in 1977. I think he’s underrated as a writer—he’d already penned his short films, and cooked up the stories for The Sugarland Express in 1974 (which directly preceded Jaws), and following that, Poltergeist, and The Goonies, not to mention his A.I. Artificial Intelligence screenplay, and sole writing credit on his new film, The Fabelmans. Spielberg can undoubtedly write, but he intriguingly opts not to. He favours the vintage image of the Hollywood director, in the vein of his heroes—as overseer, as orchestrator—chipping in whenever he sees fit.

Could Jaws have been one notch better? A scripted, but never shot, suspense-horror death scene points to… perhaps. When reminded of this fabled would-be Jaws moment, I close my eyes and picture a gem that got away, featuring a harbormaster watching his TV, and in the background, we see the masts of the ships swaying outside—something is beneath, knocking them back and forth. One mast would lean, then another, and the next. We picture something travelling beneath the keels, but it remains unseen—much like with the barrels, it’s another shrewd method of illustrating the presence of the great white visually, without actually seeing the recalcitrant “great white turd” that was Bruce the shark (sorry, old friend)—instead, Spielberg merely suggests the presence of the creature. Of course, the harbormaster wanders onto the dock and leans down, towards the water, to clean out his coffee pot, and the shark takes him. That all sounds so Spielberg, and I wish it was part of the film. But maybe we should be careful what we wish for—with a film already at its two-hour maximum-satisfaction running time, and delicately balanced like a perfect meal, to be equally satisfying and nutritious, without leaving you feeling bloated, perhaps one extra ingredient could tip the scale, and sour an otherwise excellent dish.

Spielberg once famously said that without the now iconic score, Jaws would only be half as successful. Johnny Williams’ seesaw strings and swiftly plucked notes add up to a large percentage of why Jaws soars. Seemingly subconsciously stolen from the third movement of Ludwig van Beethoven’s “Symphony No. 7,” the deceptively simple theme has earned its longevity, universality, and never ending applicability. Listening to the score in isolation is really rewarding—the diversity of the cues does make me frustrated that many people’s memories of Jaws are reduced purely to those dual-noted dur-durs—although, the effective simplicity of it is equally admirable, for its articulation of an unerring primal pursuit, and the pitch-perfect personification of an unstoppable force of nature that is the carcharodon carcharias.

The “Shark Cage Fugue” is prettier than it ever needed to be. There’s an underwater majesty to something like “Ben Gardner’s Boat.” The “Montage” cue of the “summer ginks” arriving, is overtly playful and betrays the inescapable element of fun present throughout the film. One of my favourites, “Father and Son,” has hints of Raiders of the Lost Ark—another firm fave in terms of my all-time best scores. It’s a lovely piece, which delicately underlines and gently elevates an already beautiful scene between the Chief and Sean, during their mimicry dinner. “Out to Sea” blends beauty with foreboding, and underscores the suspenseful sequence of Quint getting a bite on his soon-to-be-snapped piano wire—the, “Marlin or a stingray” bit, and also has adventure elements, swiftly introducing character themes to follow, and crucially, the very end’s paddling away part. It’s textbook storytelling through music, and I can’t think of a time it’s ever been done better.

Jaws is never afraid to be joyous and jubilant in its execution—it’s in the music, it’s in the performances, but the score is what ultimately lifts it, distills that energy, and exhibits such gleaming pride in being a movie that is unashamedly entertaining for viewers. That’s cinema—score and image colliding to make something incredible, unforgettable, and greater than the sum of its parts. It’s an intricate, detailed symphony from Williams. As celebrated and revered as the score is today, I still think it’s underrated and gets somewhat overlooked—the depth, melody, and tonal shifts, are reduced to the simplistic one-note dread of the key motif—that often becomes the takeaway.

The piece that hits me like a ton of bricks, every time, is the sublime “Man Against Beast.” It has everything, and features—towards the end of the cue, my number one, favourite score moment in Jaws, when Hooper ties the barrel on, just in the nick of time, then exclaims, “Free another barrel! I’m comin’ around again!” as the music explodes into a pirate’s adventure time crescendo. The Chief is smiling, Hoop’s smiling—who says shark fishing has to be depressing? There’s a terrific shot of the Chief here, as they’re running down the yellow barrel, and they’re grinning ear-to-ear. Williams called it, “A moment of fanfare—of triumph.” These musical motifs, where the score just erupts, are his favourite moments, and I wholeheartedly agree. People once divided by their differences, petty quarrels and disputes; characters firmly at odds with one another, are suddenly united in their quest to hunt and kill this beast. That’s the stuff that underpins it all—the quest.

“Between Attacks” pinches Quint’s, “Farewell and adieu to you fair Spanish ladies” sea shanty. “Blown to Bits” is an orgasm of sound, as Sir George Martin would say, and “End Titles” is a perfect, all’s ok with the world relaxant, gently accompanying the Chief and Hooper landing intact on Amity’s sandy beach.

Spielberg once said, “Sometimes the simplest ideas are the best,” and I feel like it’s often a race to the finish line—to harness that simple idea, do it first, before anyone else, and do it better than they ever could—to set a standard; a precedent. When you have that brilliant idea, and execute it perfectly—that’s hard to beat, and I’m absolutely fervently against any remakes or sequels of Jaws, whether they involve Spielberg, or not. They just mustn’t. In fact, I believe any attempts to regurgitate and spew out the remnants of what once made Jaws great, would act in direct opposition with the contemporary audience’s taste—it would only serve to tarnish the original.

For me, the only way a sequel would ever have been even mildly acceptable, is if Jaws 2 was a prequel—the Indianapolis story, and it was directed by Spielberg himself in his late ’70s heyday, in place of say, 1941. But not now. Please, not now. Jaws couldn’t be remade, re-imagined, or sequelised, because the audience‘s attitude towards sharks has changed so vehemently, that they’d likely invoke toxic masculinity and undue violence towards animals in the early script meetings, and “cancel” Quint, Hooper, and Brody for their harpooning antics.

It’s dangerous aboard the Orca, and ultimately feels like a blunt test of masculinity. I know I’d struggle, as, like Brody—I’d like to imagine I’d have determination and grit when it mattered, but it would be a completely foreign experience. I’d be pulling the wrong lines, and standing in the wrong place—getting trapped against the boat when the rope gets tight. I’d be that guy, because I know nothing about fishing. I know nothing about hunting. I’m, quite unusually for me, in total admiration of these three as hunters. Instead of resenting them for killing this, to quote Hooper, “Beautiful” creature, I’m fully on board with the fact that this “monster” must be destroyed. I don’t think that could ever be the angle today. There would be vocal, shark fishing protesters with placards reading, “Justice for Bruce,” and “Quint Had It Comin’.”

Spielberg pitches the vilification of the shark just right, and that’s precisely the problem. Not once do we feel for the great white—not once. We want it dead. We want it blown to smithereens. It’s a killer; a ruthless, horror character, and it must be stopped. I agree, there are moral implications in demonising sharks, and I’m positive the expertly-crafted fear created by Jaws has sadly perpetuated the ongoing cruelty, and it’s shameful that people can be so stupid—but it’s a horror film; it’s fiction.

Among what I call, The HorrOscars, Jaws rests in good company, alongside The Exorcist, The Silence of the Lambs, The Sixth Sense, Black Swan, and Get Out, as the only “horror films” ever to be nominated for Best Picture. Although, it’s absolutely criminal that Spielberg didn’t get a nod. Absolute, categorical proof the Academy is a weird, arbitrary, political farce.

I maintain it’s a blind alley to judge a director on how expertly they can play a single note, and maintain that note throughout the running time—a true judge of a filmmaker is as a composer; as an artist, who can play our emotions as notes. In Jaws, one second we’re fearful, the next we’re belly-laughing, then we’re smiling to ourselves, recalling memories from our own lives, perhaps rolling a single tear, then we’re on tenterhooks once again, and it takes such delight in its cinematic manipulation.

I truly believe that certain films are blessed. Not by a divine hand—that would, among other things, insultingly detract from, and cheapen the very real skill and devotion of the cast and crew. Whether it’s luck—when opportunity and preparedness meet, or simply fortunate timing, sometimes a shooting star will align. I’m not religious, but some movies live and breathe, and some don’t—in fact, most don’t. There’s something lurking within Jaws, something beneath, that elevates it.

Re-watching Jaws is as pleasurable as spending time with an old friend—a mate who says all the same stuff, but never disappoints us, never lets us down, and always makes us laugh. It’s a film that sits patiently on my shelf, and when I need it, it’s there—waiting for me. I watched it for—I’m estimating, the 50th time, on my own recently, and when the Chief blows up the shark, I was clapping and crying like an idiot—like a blubbering fool. To paraphrase Trent in Swingers, maybe it’s because I had my own things going on, but I caught myself in a ridiculous, teary moment and I just didn’t care. I wasn’t embarrassed—I was so happy. It’s everything I want in a film. It’s so daft—a bloke blew up a shark, and I’m sobbing. I don’t know what to do with that information, or how I can explain it—it’s simply a magical movie.

Rarely, but sometimes, the best-selling band is the best. Occasionally, the biggest hit is also the best song. Sometimes the highest-grossing film is also the most accomplished and well-made. These things can align—and it happened with Jaws. The images directly relate to the human condition—our deepest fears are manifested on screen, and the film is constructed in such a way that it gives us exactly what we want—a safe nightmare. It delivers in the most satisfying way imaginable, with no life jacket required.