May the 4th Be With You

Star Wars (1977)

It’s always easy in retrospect to play post-structuralist, but for context, Star Wars is considered a crowd-rallying, post-Watergate and Vietnam War phoenix from the flames. It truly was a period of civil war in the USA, with gritty, cynical pictures mirroring the upset country’s social and political anxieties. Enter George Walton Lucas Jr., hot on the tail of ’60s-set, teen rock & roll, American as a hamburger stand, cruisin’ street racer comedy-drama, American Graffiti, which went on to bank $100 million worldwide, the black-bearded wonderboy set his bespectacled sights solely on his passion project—a galactic fairy tale in the vein of The Odyssey, Beowulf, and the legend of King Arthur, which sought to distil these archetypal works down into universal motifs. Morality tale, traditional ritualistic coming-of-age story, call it what you will—Star Wars draws on the common connections between myths, and the threads that tie disparate cultures together.

20th Century Fox’s main man, Alan Ladd, Jr. jumped at the chance to invest—not primarily in the project itself, but in the genius of Lucas. George had little to no commercial desires, but the hyper-driven filmmaker was fueled by a fervent need to retain control of his own source material, and allow no one to interfere. “It’s fun to make films for young people, and it’s a chance to make an impression on them,” Lucas once said, revealing his enduring, pure of heart motive, which shines through even today. What began as another 1930s-style space opera, taking cues from Robin Hood, Treasure Island, and most notably, Buck Rogers and Flash Gordon, developed beyond measure when Lucas properly knuckled down and devoured the writings of Joseph Campbell (Occidental Mythology—The Masks of God, The Hero with a Thousand Faces, The Flight of the Wild Gander) to inject a sense of mythology and philosophy which deepened and enriched what could otherwise have been just another sci-fi schlocker. Star Wars fished from the shared pool of mythic archetypes including the idealistic, identifiable youth thrust into an adventure—Luke Skywalker née Starkiller, the swashbuckling scoundrel—Han, the damsel in distress—Leia, the wise old man—Ben, and the (arguably) comedic characters—R2 and Threepio. Later, Campbell was even brought in to check George’s work, and was quoted as saying, the best student he ever had was Lucas. George maintains most of the success of Star Wars stemmed from the sound psychological underpinning, and that people always react the same way to these stories, and likely always will.

I was mysteriously denied the joys of Star Wars as a boy—it somehow evaded me entirely. My village was a barren wasteland in terms of the ways of The Force. None of my mates—not even the slightly older kids or their big brothers had video copies, and being born in ’82—sandwiched between Empire and Jedi, by the time I reached the perfect age to actually be interested in the film and its sequels, it had sadly vanished from my sight and my grasp. I can only assume that the UK television rights were revoked in order to build expectations, and replenish a public desire to see the movies again in their upcoming remastered incarnations—or basterdisations. Therefore, I have a peculiar relationship with the original trilogy. They were films that were always out of reach, and when I finally did experience them, I was once again denied the original editions. Instead, they were all tainted with nineties CGI; reduced to reimaginings and suffered from retroactive tinkering that ultimately damaged them.

I did eventually see Star Wars at the pictures on its 1997 rerelease, aged 14, with my entire family in tow due to a massive Special Edition publicity push. Regrettably, it had been digitally tweaked—presumably to tidy up and add a uniformity to the originals to help them fall in line and suit the imminent prequel trilogy. At my secondary school, we all ate our body weight in Walkers crisps to get hold of the Star Wars “Tazos,” or “Pogs” as we called them—once again proving my stupidity has no bounds as I’m still not sure what they were actually for, and yet scoffed bags of Salt & Vinegar French Fries to amass a collection of daft, ultimately worthless discs. The first time I experienced The Empire Strikes Back, and Return of the Jedi was on the subsequent triple VHS Special Edition. I saw Greedo shoot first, and witnessed a sarlacc tongue—I didn’t have the pleasure of hearing the “Yub Nub” song until decades later, and instead sat through Evar Orbus and His Galactic Jizz-Wailers’ (I know) and their dreadful, digitally-altered vocalist, Sy Snootles’s rendition of “Jedi Rocks”—it just doesn’t bear thinking about. I was robbed. If the originals are true beauties, then the Special Editions and beyond are once attractive people, now disastrously made over with ill-judged and unnecessary plastic surgery. I still have vivid memories of Lucas explaining away his redundant alterations, like the bit in Empire where you can accidentally see the background matte shot through the solid exterior cage of the X-wing as it circles the AT-AT.

The film itself is iconic from the off—the booming, cacophonous, vintage Fox logo, the sweet sight of the old frog-green Lucasfilm title, the simple, fairy tale beauty of, “A long time ago in a galaxy far, far away…” that drum roll; that fanfare, and then the explosion of John Williams’ knockout score accompanying that instantly recognisable starlit yellow text crawl. George’s directorial decisions as far as coverage are pretty basic at times, and I do feel like he simplified many things on the day for the sake of just getting it done, which sometimes happily results in very clear, precise storytelling. Tatooine’s duel sun dreaminess, and the longings of Luke is an understated visual highlight, but plotwise there’s entirely too much dull, droid dialogue with Anthony Daniels’ intolerable C-3PO—a persnickety, gold robot, and R2-D2 fussing around and dawdling in the desert for far too long. By the time we reach Mos Eisley, though, the movie really starts to swing, and for 1977 anyway, the action is just about explosive and fast-paced enough.

There are caveats. It’s packed with crap comic relief—the main offender being Threepio—a bitchy, backstabbing, bitter, contrary character, whose every grating line is an infuriating self-pity party. The effects aren’t quite dialed in just yet—although I’m sure they were knockout in ’77. That never-ending, overhead Star Destroyer miniature must’ve felt like a cinematic crushing of the cranium, especially in theaters with those colorful laser blasts and rumbling sounds. Here, at least juxtaposed with Empire, a seriously lame meteor shower lets the side down, as do the dated dog fights albeit with wicked, screeching TIE fighters, and some of the cantina characters just look like extras with Hallowe’en masks on. Come to think of it, I’m pretty sure I spotted Greedo milling about moments after getting murdered—it may have been just another Rodian bloke that looked exactly like him, wearing literally all of his exact same clothes, but I doubt it. In addition, there is at least one seriously dodgy speeder shot where, as an easy fix, Vaseline was crudely smeared under the vehicle to make it appear as if it’s hovering.

We’re introduced to handsome smuggler, Han Solo and his copilot and walking carpet, “Chewie” the Wookiee, the regal, dignified Alec Guinness as Ben Obi-Wan Kenobi, and Hammer man Peter Cushing as the hilariously named Grand Moff Wilhuff Tarkin. During the trash compactor sequence, Han gets very handsy and a bit grabby with a wet and nipply Leia Organa. As George Lucas once famously told Carrie Fisher, “There’s no underwear in space.” It gets dark at times—not Empire dark, but “Her Highnessness” is at the very least threatened with a big needle, the poor wee Jawas get roasted alive, and Uncle Owen and Aunt Beru are also flame-grilled and turned into smoking skeletons by Imperial Stormtroopers. Luke’s references to the Death Star trench being “Just like Beggar’s Canyon back home,” and tales of “bull’s-eyeing womp rats in his T-16” inform us his whole life was preparing him for this moment. I can only imagine the riotous cheering in cinemas when the music swells, and Solo returns to Skywalker’s side in the Millennium Falcon to keep the TIE fighters off him so he can score his victorious shot and cripple the Imperial space station. Star Wars closes with a charming medal ceremony, beautifully-scored yet again by MVP, John Williams. It must be said, it’s my least favourite film of the trio—but all these years later, Star Wars still surrounds, penetrates, and binds us. Lucas, for all his flaws, was without doubt a visionary, and a true artist for seeing his work through, against all odds, and in the face of doubt from his closest filmmaking peers.

The bonus, end credits “Ruck Crew It Is” award goes to future Demme DP, Tak Fujimoto for his second unit photography. Also, please give it up for an unsung hero of the original trilogy, Ralph McQuarrie for his prescient concept art.


The Empire Strikes Back (1980)

As relayed in Kevin Smith’s Clerks, it’s the central, darkest chapter. “Empire had the better ending. I mean, Luke gets his hand cut off, finds out Vader’s his father, Han gets frozen and taken away by Boba Fett. It ends on such a down note. I mean, that’s what life is, a series of down endings.” Agree or disagree, it’s undoubtedly an ominous cliff-hanger, filled with trepidation and uncertainty. Lucas worked on his bulky story treatment for The Star Wars for about a year, so not wanting to excise any crucial material, he made the decision to produce approximately the first act of his entire piece. Star Wars is essentially just that—Empire and Jedi would cover the rest. The Empire screenplay was penned by “the Queen of Space Opera,” Leigh Brackett—although she died before it was made, and Lawrence Kasdan—writer of Raiders of the Lost Ark, and writer/director of Body Heat the following year. Amid the usual jargon, Empire has its moments—the heart and humour of the, “I love you/I know” exchange is absent in the other episodes, although the reverse callback in Jedi is quite sweet. Focussing on a tight-knit circle of friends, all looking out for one another to aid the grand cause of defeating the evil Empire.

With so much at stake here, Darth Vader retains tremendous presence—perhaps more than ever, as the Emperor is yet to steal his diabolical thunder. From a still propulsive and resonant story by George Lucas, veteran helmer, Irvin Kershner (Eyes of Laura Mars) was tapped to direct—neatly, once upon a time, Kershner taught one of the seminars Lucas attended at USC, and whilst critiquing his early shorts was struck by the originality of the young man’s vision. How apt that the teacher becomes the student—although, based upon the bounding leap forward that is The Empire Strikes Back, I’d argue Kersh could teach Lucas a thing or two about the craft of directing, as he tends to skillfully move the camera when required to employ an additional emotional punch. The horizontal, vertical, and diagonal screen wipe transitions open and close like cinematic curtains, and the stellar sound design and score help with the heavy lifting.

Empire features one of the two finest lightsaber duels in the trilogy—arguably the best in terms of staging, however I personally prefer the brute force slam downs and reversal of power at the climax of Jedi, with Luke downing Vader and getting some severed hand payback. The action scenes far outweigh the original, and although Return of the Jedi gets a really bad rap, Empire also plays like a toy advert at times, whether it wants to or not—admittedly not quite to the degree of Jedi, but it’s certainly noticeable with the AT-AT Imperial Walkers, droids, the wampa, the tauntauns, X-wings, Boba Fett‘s memorable ship, and even that oval, woodlouse-shaped craft the Rebels use, all flooding back in the form of plastic action figures, vehicles, and playsets.

These movies were released three years apart, in ’77, ’80, and ’83 respectively, which allowed for natural, physical growth—aiding the visual development of characters—Luke especially, by cleverly having him scratched up by the wampa to explain away the scarred face Mark Hamill had acquired in a serious car crash. The chemistry—and at this point, borderline incestual, ancient Greek love triangle of the Luke, Leia, and Han dynamic showcases some enjoyable, sizzling sexual tension between Ford and Fisher as the scruffy-lookin’ nerf herder, and Her Highness, Princess Leia, but it never extends beyond a quickly broken up snog, and instead manifests itself as sulking, or reprimanding a Wookiee. Leia has more to do in Empire, and does so with a sense of self and authority. There are myriad bounty hunters—the crocodilian chap with the yellow trousers, and more obviously, Boba Fett, who at this point, still holds the frame with all the mystique and coolness that made him so intriguing, and a firm fan favorite in the first place. There are bizarre cameos abound, with Admiral headteacher Bronson from Grange Hill, General Donovan from Indiana Jones and the Last Crusade, and Fawlty Towers’ General Waldorf salad popping up periodically throughout.

There’s something to be said for separating the droids from the others. The clunky levity is diluted, their screen time is reduced—as is the tedium of the back-and-forth cross-cutting of the original. For me, this alone elevates Empire over Star Wars, as I truly appreciate the fact that the intolerable C-3PO is treated horribly throughout—he’s ignored, abused, maligned, pushed to one side, threatened verbally, met with sarcasm, completely dismissed, switched off, left silent and limp in a chair, dissed by Lando and fellow droids alike, and then gets carted around on Chewbacca’s back before being shot to bits and chucked onto a junk pile—where Star Wars‘ silly comic relief characters typically belong. It’s the closest he comes to death, and unfortunately it’s not quite close enough. We will sadly have to endure him for one more picture.

The original cockeyed Emperor looks rubbish, and has no gravitas or continuity with Jedi, so for once is an alteration that I can completely understand Lucas making. Generally speaking, if you can find the unaltered versions, you’ll probably notice that George Lucas has unintentionally made the modest eighties opticals seem both charming and welcome. A few hokey explosion plumes here and there are to be expected, and embraced at this point. The stop motion is a relief to see after the frankly mad and arbitrary additions made to the 1997 versions. Now, the rubbish severing of the wampa’s arm is acceptable, as is the jittery tauntaun keeling over. There are exceptions, however, as in three or four instances, the proximity and perspectives—like the quickness of the AT-AT approaching Luke—allegedly about to crush him, doesn’t quite work, but this may be due more to second unit, or effects department limitations rather than Kershner’s staging.

Shout-out to Phil Tippett’s animation, Norman Reynolds’ key production design, and another unsung hero, Ben Burtt, for his inventive and fascinating foley and sound design. As the kids say, “The Imperial March” cue is a banger. Another John Williams, MVP moment is when Luke’s X-wing starfighter is levitated from a Dagobah swamp by Yoda. I could’ve easily lived my whole life without witnessing a CGI Yoda brandish a lightsaber and do a backflip. To me, Empire beautifully carves out the entirety of Yoda’s arc—technically Jedi is the completion, with him taking his eternal nap and all, but here, Muppet-maestro, Sesame Street stalwart, and The Dark Crystal and Little Shop of Horrors honcho, Frank Oz performs as Yoda so satisfyingly, switching from a giggly, slapstick, rubber-faced sausage thief, to an all-knowing Jedi Master at the drop of Luke’s torch. The wee green fella goes from whacking R2 with his walking stick to dropping profundities—so much so, I believe somewhere within the Dagobah sequence lies the meaning of life.

Obviously, there’s Yoda’s sharp and forever quotable, “Do, or do not. There is no try,” but also, the ordeal of the hero and the inmost cave, as Joseph Campbell refers to them, each clearly unfurl here. A mystical energy known as “The Force,” represents the spiritual—the interconnection of all things. The power of meditation, tuning in, and tapping into that elusive concept—even as a heathen unbeliever like myself, is painted as possible. Anyone can understand and relate to the fact that once we start down a dark path, forever can it dominate our destiny. The simplistic credo of not giving in to hate is a powerful and everlasting message, and one I think we need to hear and be reminded of repeatedly. Defeating self-doubt, overcoming inner demons and our greatest fears, facing our past, unlearning what we have learned, responsibly claiming our destiny, embracing our shadow selves and accepting what we are capable of and may potentially become, so that we are fully prepared, and can knowledgeably fight against it—all the while excepting the possibility of it occurring should we stray too far from our purest path. The loaded image of Luke in the Vader mask, cracked open like a bad egg, is so symbiotically strong. It is in these scenes that the message, potency, power, and heart of Star Wars lies. They somehow play vague and earnest without coming off as preachy. If we don’t believe in something, we will fail. The broad applicability of this sentiment encourages us to transcend our potentially dark destinies. These are life lessons I’m forever relearning, and still attempt to abide by—and with every rewatch of the saga—this episode in particular, I’m reminded to strive to be a stronger, more enlightened individual.


Return of the Jedi (1983)

“All Jedi had was a bunch of Muppets,” Dante Hicks bemoaned. Perhaps, but who doesn’t like The Muppet Show? Besides, the puppets are tangible, and very welcome compared to anything these jokers knocked up on a computer a few years later. I never understood why geeks griped about the cuteness of Ewoks when the original movie’s Jawas were also dinky and adorable in their own peculiar way—and actually pretty similar in both their vocalisations and behavior. Moreover, lest we forget, these cuddly critters were fully prepared to roast Han on that spit, and cook up a pot of Solo gumbo. There is something daft about an entire Empire brought to its knees by small, furry creatures armed with sticks and stones, but there’s also something satisfying from a storytelling perspective about placing an object or duty so vitally important in the hands of an ostensibly insignificant someone such as an R2-D2, a Wicket the Ewok, or a (forgive me for mixing trilogies here) Frodo Baggins, who, in spite of their humble statuses were entrusted, and had the potential to, against all odds, undo evils and positively alter the course of events—to allow good to triumph over seemingly insurmountable wickedness.

My only fleeting recollection of seeing any of the Star Wars films on telly as a kid was one afternoon when the Stormtrooper speeder bike pursuit—hurtling through the trees on the forest moon of Endor from Return of the Jedi played out. I must’ve been busy with something or other as I just glanced at the telly momentarily whilst dashing through my living room, but when Star Wars fever resurfaced in ’97 and I received the video trilogy boxed set for Crimbo, Jedi was the first film I impatiently pushed into our VHS player. The opening alone might just tip it into the best of the bunch, with the entire gang uniting to spring Han from his frozen carbonite prison. From Jabba’s gross gathering with the funky Max Rebo band kicking out the jams, Jabba bopping about dancing, to the green slave girl getting gobbled up in the scary lair of the rancor, to the sacrificial pit of the sarlacc, and the objectification of a skinny Carrie Fisher as Princess Leia, flashing some side bum flesh in that cheeky gold bikini, and single-handedly kickstarting innumerable male fantasies—to be fair, she actually has a lot of autonomy and plenty to do in this episode.

It’s some of the finest, and slickest action the trilogy has to offer, with what is essentially a toothy anus taking responsibility for the shittiest death of perhaps the coolest character when it comes to Boba Fett—he’s dead in my book. It’s the only film of the three that features our entire band of heroes, Lando is a good guy and actually acts unselfishly, Admiral “It’s a trap!” Ackbar does his thing, the female genitalia-faced chuckler, Nien Nunb has a laugh or three, and it’s the sole picture that showcases the Emperor in his final, menacing, cackling, pantomime villain form. There are new characters galore! The slobbering, green pig guards that everybody’s friend had as a toy but no one remembered actually buying themselves, the creepy, theatrical, Merrick-headed, “De wanna wanga. I will tak-oo to Jabba now” crony, Bib Fortuna—who my ol’ mate Dave Smith always misquoted as “Jabba wanker,” and now I can’t unhear it, the Capricorny, three-eyed goat head dude, that freaky, fat frog-dog barking at the door, the vile gangster, Jabba the Hutt smoking that green hookah shit—I think we all know what that’s supposed to be, and his dug-in, parasitic, rodenty, Fraggle Rock-alike, Salacious Crumb finding everything hilarious until he gets zapped. As a side note, if you keep your eyes peeled, the fella taking Han away looks a bit like Rick James.

I didn’t have many Star Wars figures, and as most of the ones I did own came into my possession via car boot sales, some were in less than tip-top shape. I recall reaching down and picking up what I thought was my Darth Vader’s missing leg, but it was in fact a big black slug. I believe I inexplicably had the action figure of the fat, tearful, rancor wrangler. What a strange, emotive inclusion to see a vilified creature treated as a pet. There’s another heartfelt moment akin to this later in Jedi where an Ewok discovers its mate has perished and doesn’t leave its side—it just mourns. Back to the rancor scene, and scaling issues aside—especially the hokey Twiglet in gob, rear projection shot, Harmy’s version is the best I’ve ever seen it. Yes, it’s still very obviously a miniature, but it plays far better than my 1997 VHS ever did.

The direction by Richard Marquand (Jagged Edge) is zesty and taut, with clever cross-cutting between Vader, Luke, and the Emperor, and the unfolding events on Endor with the deflector shield drama. In terms of strong imagery, there’s the touching unveiling of Vader, and one of my faves, the crackling, fizzing collision of red and green lightsabers right before the giddy, excited eyes of the Emperor. On a lighter note, the now famously applicable GIF of Han processing the information that Luke and Leia are in fact twins raised a belly laugh. Peculiarly, Return of the Jedi—formerly, for a while at least, Revenge of the Jedi, features Darth Vader’s most impressive introduction. Perhaps his myth had built to such a degree that any old intro wouldn’t cut it. The only way the Vader heel–face turn works at the climax of the picture is if they introduce a baddie beyond all measure, and that’s where the legitimately scary—particularly as a youngling, wrinkly, electric Emperor comes in. This closing chapter satisfyingly completes established arcs. Here, Vader’s good guy twist is complete—and to make it all that more commendable, it’s entirely in Jedi as Vader is still pure evil at the beginning of the film.

There are more gigantic, elaborate sets, and the costumes and art direction have improved beyond measure. The spacecraft, and detail of the miniatures is far superior, although several effects shots are directly replicated from earlier entries—the tractor beam pulling Vader’s ship into the Death Star, the colossal Star Destroyer passing overhead, also Luke and Leia’s Tarzan swing from the first film is echoed. As with many sequels, notably Evil Dead II, and Terminator 2: Judgment Day, it’s a lot of the same stuff, but done better. I mean, the entire Death Star II plot, which may spell certain doom for the small band of Rebels struggling to restore freedom to the galaxy? Again? All that aside, the intergalactic dogfights are fantastic, and by far the strongest of the three movies. The key to Jedi is the humanity of its drama. We’ve seen the Rebel Alliance blow up a Death Star before—admittedly the effects are a heap better six years later, but what really makes a difference is the Vader/Luke father/son story, and the redemptive arc of Star Wars‘ arch villain.

A tight screenplay by Lawrence Kasdan and George Lucas lays out a clear plot after the initial attention-grabbing, action set pieces. Luke’s promised return to the Dagobah System, the completion of his training resting upon his inevitable confrontation with Vader, Yoda’s death, and the vital, expositional conversation with Obi-Wan regarding Anakin Skywalker, all set the ball rolling nicely, and economically. The chips are on the table, the chess pieces are all in place, and it’s time to just let the inevitable unfold. Everything’s a bit slicker. We all know the universe at this point. The audience knows who’s who, they know what’s at stake, and it’s just two hours and eleven minutes of watching that happen in a satisfying and fun way. If you don’t roll a tear at the end when Anakin (Sebastian Shaw underlined) returns as a kindly Force ghost alongside Yoda and Ben, and have a little “Yub Nub” singsong in Ewokese during the celebrations, then your heart is truly dead. “Luka-luka-lookah, luka-luka-lookah!” Bonus end credits “Ruck Crew It Is” awards go to both assistant cameraman, David Fincher, and also effects cameraman and PTA cinematographer to be, Robert Elswitt.

Beaming a massive cheers to Petr “Harmy” Harmáček and his 2011 “Despecialized Edition” project for eliminating naughty George’s retroactive tinkering, allowing me to recreate the initial seventies and eighties theatrical experiences as best as I could from the comfort of home, in a high enough quality to recognize and appreciate the dazzling visual and sonic effects of the original versions, and bask in what I can only describe as their warm analogue effects, as opposed to the steely coldness of nineties CGI. With that, I wish you a very happy annual Star Wars Day, and May the 4th be with you, always.

The Owlman Cometh

Stage Fright (1987)

Michele Soavi—Argento protégé, Fulci collaborator, and director of Cemetery Man, clearly enjoyed himself orchestrating 1987’s Aquarius, aka Deliria, aka Bloody Bird, aka Stage Fright—a diverting, self-aware prance about, packed with dressing room dread and backstage blood.

A soundstage massacre ensues when absconded criminal nutbar, Irving Wallace skedaddles from his cuckoo’s nest, inhabits the persona of a demented murderer, and infiltrates an already tense rehearsal of a play about the Night Owl—a knife, chainsaw, workshop tool, pickaxe-wielding serial killer, who preposterously carts around an enormous, cumbersome owl-head, balancing it precariously on his noggin, yet somehow manages to retain a keen peripheral vision, whilst staging his own theatrical corpse gallery—replete with softly falling feathers, fake snow, and an added musical medley for full dramatic effect. 

The terror-stricken cast and crew must negotiate elevated walkways, crank levers and pulleys hidden amongst the backdrops and shadows of the theatre, and shine spotlights down from the reverberating rafters, which all render the set-pieces pretty effective, and milk the somewhat novel milieu as a fairly original slasher film setting, especially once the phone lines get cut, the power is shut off, and our disparate band of survivors are locked in like SPAM® in a can—all the while, a torrential downpour tumbles down outside. I was amused every time Soavi cut away to the rubbish lookout cops—supposedly on guard, but they were mostly just eating spinach, I think. Still, the night blows rainy, and the nocturnal suspense builds.

It all makes for a fun, escapist, camp as you like ‘80s stalk and slash. Soavi’s impressive staging, blocking, and commanding use of camera all add an urgency to the proceedings. The art design, cinematography, and cutting successfully mesh, are quite immersive—and as silly as the movie gets, it doesn’t compromise on the obligatory, grisly killin’s. A particularly nasty drill-kill gives way to a clever moment where real claret drips onto fake blood as the film’s lines blur between reality and theatricality. Another inventive, Scream 2-esque moment struck me, in which the play’s reels of audio are set running by the wannabe bird-of-prey, resulting in a cacophonous quest to find the loon with the disorienting diegetic score blaring.

It Wants No Straps

The Exorcist (1973)

In every sense, 1999 was a year of profound horror. I was sixteen going on seventeen, and careering towards my final year of secondary school. The queasy terror of receiving distinctly average GCSE results—though thankfully they were good enough to nudge me into a technical college, accompanied by a total brainlock in terms of what the hell I was going to do with my life had left me in a paralysed, passive state. Amid these real life fears, myself and my best friend, Sam—who I would collaborate with the following year on our first student short—the dodgy but gratifying slasher-horror, Night Class—took in Tobe Hooper’s notorious, fabled-turned newly available uncut edition of The Texas Chain Saw Massacre together, and chilled ourselves witless at Teeside Park’s Showcase Cinema, witnessing the goose-pimple inducing, found footage frights of The Blair Witch Project. Earlier that year, bristling with anticipation, I would also subject my teenage self—alone this time, to what was labelled, “the scariest film ever made.” Newly liberated from the clutches of BBFC good taste overlord James Ferman after an 11-year absence on VHS, and unleashed upon the British public, was William Friedkin’s The Exorcist.

It was the week commencing April 26th, 1999. On a North Yorkshire cul-de-sac—scarcely resembling the affluent Prospect Street of the movie, though we did have kindred lampposts—my childhood back bedroom was the scene of the scares, and a modest, portable TV-VCR combi the instrument of torment, containing an 18 certificate (better late than never, BBFC) rental copy, fresh from Choices—my preferred video shop at the top of Richmond market place, courtesy of my kind and obliging mum. I was shaken; frozen; unable to move or pause the tape—spellbound by the ghosts in the machine. The next day, my mate, Rob—who also courageously caught the film that week upon re-release, tentatively asked, “Are you alright?”—and we never cross-examined each other like that. Evidently, I had checked out, and was gazing blankly through the window of one of Richmond’s disembodied classroom huts with a vacant expression, and had to confess—I couldn’t stop thinking about The Exorcist. This was the first—and to that disturbing degree, the last time I have been truly unsettled by a motion picture.

Each of us must confront and come to terms with what we believe, and what we don’t. As someone raised as religiously as you can be raised when you’re unwittingly Christened, but not bread and wine communion “confirmed,” then merely nudged in the general direction of the casual Church of England—but find yourself believing more in the divinity of the Jelly Tots skewering the orange, rather than the Christingle message itself, I’m no exception. When I first took in the film, I didn’t know what I accepted in terms of religion, which made its gritty impact so much more forceful and intense. I would certainly be less susceptible to the theological might of The Exorcist as a 40-year-old, ardent atheist—a label I wouldn’t fully commit to until perhaps 2004, than as the daydreaming, vaguely confused, ambivalent and apathetic 16-year-old agnostic of my teenage years. Yet twenty-three years later, I still feel the desire; a need, to dismantle the film that once petrified me, and perhaps conquer some horrific bygone hang-ups. Demythologising and dissecting the mechanics of a beloved movie is nine times out of ten a thickheaded undertaking, but I sensed it wouldn’t entirely obliterate my enjoyment of The Exorcist—a deeper knowledge and understanding could surely only ever enhance it. I’m keen to investigate the technical approach, deconstruct the story—via both William Peter Blatty’s book, and the final film, and in doing so examine its profoundly distressing effects.

I pestered my parents about their first experiences with The Exorcist, as the furore and phenomena surrounding its 1973 unveiling was firmly in their era. My mum—just nineteen at the time, vividly recalls one audience member being sick during her Darlington Odeon screening, and another fainting. She couldn’t believe how frightening the film was, and admitted to watching some scenes through open fingers. Apparently, lots of filmgoers upped and left the showing, but alongside her college friends, she bravely remained until the end—the disturbing memories staying with her for a long time after. It still ranks as probably the scariest thing she’s ever seen. My Methodist dad took in The Exorcist shortly after its UK theatrical launch, accompanied by his best friend, Arthur, in either a Whitley Bay or Newcastle picture-house. By his account, it was scarier than the usual X-rated horrors of the ’60s and early ’70s, and was very uncomfortable to watch. Dad revealed, if he hadn’t been at the wall end of a row, he may have got out—noting the film conjured a real sense of evil that was chilling to experience. My sister—seven years my junior remembers not being able to watch it all the way through for a very long time, but also confessed she found the built-up idea of The Exorcist worse than the experience of finally seeing it.

These parental reports check out, as this collective psychosis of sorts did spread. Remarkably, members of the general public had indeed suffered from bouts of hysteria, and reports of patrons passing out and vomiting weren’t uncommon, and would later became inseparable from screenings worldwide. Although there were undoubtedly some moviegoers playing up to the TV cameras in the staked-out lobbies of cinemas—lurching into the light of the lobby in the first thirty minutes, and refusing to return, which I always found feigned. As mournful and foreboding as it is, these deserters would be hard-pressed to suggest the Iraq prologue made them puke or keel over. Besides, literally nothing even remotely freaky occurs until Regan’s bed starts shaking. Perhaps it was all in their prayerful heads. Other reports suggested audiences weren’t succumbing to spinning heads, garden hose spew, or crucifixes plunged into preteen nether regions—it wasn’t the Demon, or the Devil himself—filmgoers were more likely conking out due to Regan’s ultra-realistic, crimson-spurting arteriogram procedure, as opposed to sacreligious outrage. That’s a true testament to, and fixed merit of The Exorcist; even godless unbelievers such as myself struggle with the fact we’re witnessing the plight of a blameless little lass, and we’re well aware that every single one of these invasive medical tests by smug, know-it-all doctors are for naught. Moreover, holy attitudes aside, each self-inflicted crucifix gash, and holy water flesh-tear—licking bloody, gaping wounds across Regan’s legs, actually slashes her body, and a belief in a supreme being or not—at the risk of chanelling At the Movies dope, Gene Siskel, and adopting his familiar pet peeve—a child in peril is affecting to the degree that anyone can feel emotionally manipulated, and it’s often pretty tough to endure in a picture.

The movie was flagged as, “a genuine threat to mental health,” and the US ratings board forewarned, “The Exorcist may well be the most dangerous motion picture ever made in relation to its potential threat to the emotional health of preteens, teenagers, and some adults as well.” Labelled on its release as, “a sociological phenomena, which gives credibility to the devil myth, and the power of exorcism and ritual,” the movie was sold on this controversy for the sake of cheap yet potent, word of mouth PR—using every brazen trick in the book, from an incendiary death curse, to hackneyed tabloid slogans galore, e.g. “not for the week of stomach or faint-hearted.” Pregnant women were urged not to attend shows, and paramedics in ambulances hung around outside theaters just in case. Many of these studio-orchestrated puking or passing out capers were later whistle-blown by Linda Blair herself, who confessed she was told by an executive about the phony, public relations ruses. Another certainly non-fateful coincidence was that 666 Fifth Avenue in NYC was the post-production office hosting the Moviola editing, and marked the location in which the picture’s devout Catholic writer/producer, William Peter Blatty first witnessed the finished assembly.

The picture seemingly had everything necessary to provoke a public reaction—even a swiftly-pulled, potentially seizure-inducing black and white teaser trailer. As would follow suit with The Omen, Poltergeist, The Crow, and Twilight Zone: The Movie, The Exorcist was exploitatively branded a “cursed” production, with Beelzebub allegedly striking out against the cast and crew for revealing his trickster duplicity on a Hollywood scale. Every set burned to the ground except Regan’s bedroom, which was mysteriously unaffected, there were several actor and set-related deaths—most notably Jack MacGowran, who played the foul-mouthed English filmmaker-turned twisty-necked drunkard, Burke Dennings. Nowadays we know it’s all claptrap, as many involved have conceded, a fifteen-month shoot will span the same time in which people related directly and indirectly to the production will sadly perish. Ever the snake oil salesman, Friedkin had even requested for the set to be exorcised—but again, this is Billy the businessman—the shameless publicist within. In addition, creepily contributing to the the muddy myth of actual wickedness lurking in the celluloid, a young, bearded chief neuroradiology technologist and real-life serial murderer, Paul Bateson—catalyst for Friedkin’s 1980 homosexual crime thriller, Cruising, bizarrely pops up during one of Regan’s hospital scenes.

Rated X without cuts, The Exorcist triumphantly haunted the UK’s late-night cinemas, pulling in gargantuan box office returns, and was released unmolested and uncertificated to the masses by Warner Home Video in 1981. Then, quite contradictorily, in early ’88—after being previously available to rent or purchase in England for some seven years, The Exorcist was hastily pulled; withdrawn from UK shelves; yanked from the paws of wholesome younglings, deranged yobbos, and everyday fans of cinema alike, and fell into the cupped hands of uptight censor, James Ferman—amid pressure group campaigners, the National Viewers’ and Listeners’ Association’s reactionary, and at times arbitrary “video nasty” ban—a term coined by do-gooder square and uber-dragon “Karen” of ’80s Britain, Mary Whitehouse, in a futile attempt to mollycoddle a predominantly sensible nation.

The powers that be feared The Exorcist had potential to cause severe emotional problems for any crackpots actually believing in demonic possession, and also remained troubled by the fact that its 12-year-old protagonist, Regan would render the picture more appealing to little devils, who could simply pop their parents’ VHS copy into a VCR—as they no doubt had been doing for years—and bend their brittle minds beyond repair. This overbearing concern—as domineering as it may seem, does ring true, as throughout my youth there were scattered, whispered rumours of circulating pirate copies, and—perhaps not as apocryphal as once thought—tales of, “Oh, my dad; grandad; uncle; brother; next-door neighbour, has The Exorcist on video.” In our somewhat cynical circle this claim would have been customarily met with, “Does he fuck as like, it’s banned!” Or words to that effect. It would now, however, seem to be verifiable—likely one of the straggling 1981-1988 copies that snuck out and were readily available to buy at that time. This availability fiasco, of course, only added to the legend—the inaccessibility and accompanying frustration fuelled a morbid curiosity, and a forbidden interest from debased—or perhaps just intrigued, adolescent Brits, who would inevitably seek out banned material at any cost to catch a glimpse of what the domineering nanny state deemed worthy of shielding from our unworthy sight.

In terms of the whole UK video certificate refusal debacle, cheers to the BBFC for the transparency of information—but not for their half-witted, asinine Bogarting of one of the most artful, masterfully made movies of all time. Unlike prosecuted “nasties,” such as the still presently problematic, 1978 rape-revenge exploitationer, I Spit on Your Grave, which had 1 minute and 41 seconds clipped out for even its latest 2020 Blu-ray release, and non-prosecuted, but nevertheless infamous—with court hearings and chat show debates abound, Sam Raimi’s undead splatterfest, The Evil Dead—a movie that curiously wouldn’t see the light of day in its uncut form until 2001. The Exorcist, however, was never taken to (literal) trial, nor indicted for any obscenity law breaches, and in spite of its indisputably lewd and blasphemous content, Friedkin’s film wasn’t judged to violate any child indecency image guidelines. It seems to have been the weighty accolades and overall acclaim—Oscar nods, and a keen public demand, that ultimately protected The Exorcist.

In the nineties, Sky TV made moves to show the film, but they were once again nixed by Ferman, who found it peculiar and contradictory that although the film was withdrawn on video, it would still puzzlingly play unmolested for subscribers on BSkyB’s satellite telly. Following several attempts in vain to unleash The Exorcist on VHS, a gigantic leap forward occurred in 1998 when Camden London Borough Council allowed The Exorcist to be shown publicly. This tide-turning screening twisted the BBFC’s arm in terms of reassessing the picture’s content, and subsequently prompted them to rerelease it, wholly intact on tape—newly adorned with an elusive, blood red 18 certificate. Later in ’98, the film was re-released in cinemas to commemorate its 25th anniversary, which handily served as somewhat of a dummy run as the public failed to replicate the insanity and delirium of the ’70s run. The picture, heralded by Kommandant Ferman’s retirement and his BBFC replacement—former Sky guy, Robin Duval’s entrance in 1999, was thought to no longer have the same level of impact, and was granted general release once again.

A similar matter of censorship-lifting emerged the same year, with The Texas Chain Saw Massacre, which was outlawed outright in Blighty since its earliest London screenings back in ’75. The title didn’t help Hooper as the word, “chain saw” had been banned unreservedly from titles at the time. As with The Exorcist, Texas Chain Saw was later let out on video in 1981, with the ensuing Video Recordings Act of 1984 meaning it was likewise shelved. However, in ’98 and ’99, during more open-minded times—the very same time as Friedkin’s feature began to sever its own straps, Chain Saw was also shown in liberal, arty Camden as a pristine new print, and was soon passed uncut—once again, as an 18 for cinemas in March of ’99, and then untethered on VHS and DVD. Signifying a real sea change in UK film censorship, and exhibiting unequivocal evidence of a demand for such controversial pictures in Britain, Texas Chain Saw would even hit terrestrial telly for all to see in the year 2000.

Since gearing up for Hallowe’en 2018—my first ever All Hallows’ Evenings HorrOctober, screening 31 scary movies at home here in South Korea—I have exclusively favoured Dr. Sapirstein’s 40th Anniversary Preservation of The Exorcist. Bear with me—cinema snob mode: on. This “fan edit” was painstakingly remastered from diverse elements including official Blu-rays, DVDs, the CD release of the Japanese soundtrack, and cribbed from exhaustive, original visual and audio sources including earlier DVD, VHS and telly recordings, the Japanese LaserDisc, official 8mm digest, bits and bobs from a damaged 1973 35mm print, various photos, and 35mm slides—all to thoughtfully reflect, and diligently recreate the true power of those primary theatrical experiences.

Though it’s arguably imperceptible—a somewhat subconscious occurrence, and you may not necessarily realise something’s off—if you’re hearing anything other than the original, Oscar-winning mono sound mix, you’re missing out, as its distinct sonic resonance is so heavy and intense. The gurgling, and prickly distortion—especially under headphones in a pitch black room, is legitimately horrifying. Likewise, if you’re watching any version currently available to stream—or even the immaculately tidied and transferred Blu-ray disc, your eyeballs may be getting a treat in terms of the spick-and-span scan, but you’re in the presence of an imposter. The Exorcist was revised, and reissued in 1979 as a blown-up 70mm print, and it was this tinkered-with incarnation with a much brighter, vibrant image—debuting significant alterations to the dominant, sickly green tint of Owen Roizman’s muted, visually dark cinematography in terms of both the saturation and contrast, and Friedkin’s gloomier theatrical release colour timing—yet still became Warner Bros.’ inferior, go-to master for all successive releases, and unarguably, in my eyes, an inaccurate misrepresentation—even bastardisation, of the 1973 print.

The same applies to the “depecialised” fan versions of the original Star Wars trilogy—mournfully, it’s the only legit option for those amongst us who care deeply about true restoration, conservation, and seeing the pictures of the past not just as clearly as humanly possible, but also precisely as they first appeared to audiences upon their initial release. As with Star Wars, The Empire Strikes Back, and Return of the Jedi, there are standard definition DVDs available—albeit in the original trilogy’s case ported over poorly from the LaserDisc release, the original version of The Exorcist can be purchased in its 1997 US DVD form, as well as its UK counterpart, and the theatrical is, at a glance, retained fully on the latest Blu-ray alongside the extended, but as previously mentioned, the color timing and sound mix are long gone in favour of a more naturalistic, subtle blue tinge, and a freshly mixed, Dolby 5.1 soundtrack. Over the years, I have seen The Exorcist in its prime, theatrical cut on VHS, and the DVD release of the same cut, followed by the DVD of *sigh* “The Version You’ve Never Seen,” which had brand new extras, and excitingly showcased the reintegrated spider-walk sequence. Finally, in spite of the thoughtful package—including both theatrical and extended version discs, I was still let down by the Blu-ray, as I flat-out rejected the imbecilic, spliced-in, “subliminal” CG phizogs. Nonetheless, when researching The Exorcist, I wanted to watch it on my big smart telly in the highest possible resolution, so I popped on the current, most popular pin sharp Blu again for the majority of my research, as it’s the cleanest and clearest the film has ever looked.

We have John Calley—head of production at Warner Bros. to thank for coaxing Friedkin to cut Blatty’s soft, Casablanca-copping coda. Lt. Kinderman and Father Dyer don’t know each other from Adam; it has little to no clout due to this, and is purely incidental business to pad the hellish, harrowing fall of the film. The Exorcist is a gut-punch that can’t be pulled, and this dreary denouement is in drastic danger of undermining the knockout blow administered mere moments earlier. Richard Roeper, after quite rightfully praising the “wonderful Burstyn,” and “masterful pacing,” blurted out, “What’s the problem? We’re getting out of our seats—the movie’s over. It was hard-hitting enough.” I wholeheartedly disagree—and to me, it’s such a callous comment reflecting a shallow attitude to cinematic delivery and structure—a truly great film should retain its importance until the final frame. Don’t excuse a film for fucking itself up right at the very end—that constitutes a cardinal cinema sin in my book. I’m thrilled to say—because I so rarely get to wax his car, that I’m 100% in Roger Ebert’s critical camp here, as his impassioned retort made it crystal clear that he also found the “mood-destroying” new footage entirely dispensable, and bit back twice as hard, equating its inane dialogue to a comedian who has forgotten the punchline of his joke. “The movie is over! What are they blathering about?” Ebert knew Friedkin was over the moon with The Exorcist for all those years, refusing to preen, clip or even consider altering a single frame, and it’s rerelease is evidently nothing more than a marketing ploy flip-flop—like a badgered politician under pressure, Billy regrettably yielded, and slashed his Louvre-worthy canvas.

In another senseless proposal that just goes to show even genius is temporary, Friedkin pitched to Warner Bros. to reshoot one single closing image, and rerelease The Exorcist—at the time in the seventies, the most successful movie ever made—by splicing in a new, final shot—some bloke, who may or may not be Karras, ascending the steps below Regan’s window is witnessed by Father Dyer, who smiles slightly. Sometimes classics are made in spite of dopey ideas that almost came to fruition. Besides, as Roger Corman once eloquently stated, “When the monster is dead, the movie is officially over.” By my rationale, when you obliterate box office records, are nominated for—or win an Oscar, the film is definitely over. The self-sabotaging egos of Lucas, Friedkin, and regretfully, to a degree, Spielberg with his Extra-Terrestrial handgun-walkie-talkie kerfuffle. Leave the films be, you lot. You’re sore winners. Quit while you’re ahead. Besides, the film doesn’t belong to you anymore—it’s ours. In fact, I’ll go one step beyond and argue the case that any movie made unavailable in its original form by its creators should be stripped of any Oscars, other major awards, and the acclaim it initially garnered. Mess with the filmmakers’ prizes—that’s all they understand. If this threat was issued to Friedkin, there’s not a chance in the pit of Hades he’d alter his baby in such a way. As he once said, it’s the digital discs and streaming files that will last forever. Prints won’t survive—they’ll turn to dust, so it’s an absolute travesty that The Exorcist has not been retained in its original manifestation. What we are consuming today is unfortunately worlds apart from what was first released. A preservation and research tool has been eradicated. It’s not the way it was, and it should absolutely be recreated—precisely as it was shown in cinemas. We have been robbed of the genuine, first edition of The Exorcist—and I want it back.

Just like a demonic effigy—forgotten in ancient dust, some relics should never be excavated. Without wanting to lay the blame for the existence of the new edition solely at the feet of us Brits, the fact of the matter is the marketing potential in the UK—as the BBFC video ban was lifted, illustrated there was room to manoeuvre financially, and lest we forget the whole devilish ball only started rolling after Kermode’s Fear of God film exhumed not only the age old dual between Merrin and Pazuzu, but also Friedkin and Blatty. The unearthed work print of The Exorcist held twelve extra minutes. From ’74-2000, Friedkin stood proudly behind his unimpeachable theatrical—and rightly so. The moronically monikered, “Version You’ve Never Seen” is not a director’s cut—it’s more a writer/producer effort, as although it is Friedkin’s extended assembly, he allegedly rereleased it solely for William Peter Blatty as a personal favour, following years of ungrateful pressure and badgering—although something about that gesture doesn’t quite compute. I find it hard to believe Friedkin would cave, and compromise what he proclaimed to be his finest work, and, “as close to a perfect film as you can get.” I’d assume taking advantage of an ego-boosting rerelease with a substantial cash value was the main motivator, sending bighead Friedkin’s name high up the filmmaking flagpole once again—raking in more dosh, and reestablishing the film as the scariest ever made.

Is it a case of don’t go diggin’? Don’t go dredging up so-called superior versions of the movie that have been lost? If you want to discuss gifts from the heavens—it’s unclear if Friedkin ever believed in a traditional deity, but he does, however, believe in a “movie God,” a divine overseer that sends actors, orchestrates circumstances, script ideas, and imagery—as Friedkin himself often cites in reference to the happenstance, good fortune—don’t mention the curse, and sheer luck of The Exorcist‘s entire production. The movie Gods gave us the Oscar-winning theatrical cut of The Exorcist; the version we have seen, and likely love. Look no further. To ask for more is truly movie blasphemy, and for the filmmakers themselves to want more money and publicity, is an act of disgraceful self-service, and a big green loogie in the face of devout fans everywhere. A mighty ten Oscar noms resulted in a mere two trophies for Robert Knudson and Christopher Newman’s Best Sound Mixing, and Best Adapted Screenplay—Blatty’s own, which is a laugh as the misery-guts author later did everything in his diminutive power to butcher that treasured, acclaimed version. Again, if only the Academy had threatened to retract his Oscar if he tampered with the film any further, we could have satisfyingly watched Blatty wind his neck in. Also, as the film’s so-called biggest fan, and author of the authoritative companion piece to the picture, Mark Kermode should’ve known better than to snoop and interfere—as should Blatty, who should, above all else, be thanking his lucky stars for Friedkin’s vision and crafty adaptation of his preachy base material, instead of piling on guilt, and wearing the poor fella down over all those years to ultimately encumber the film with his God-fearing, all’s well that ends well, crippling conclusion. Christ, even Roger Ebert knew better. Most of us don’t wish to be told; to be dictated to. We much prefer to let our own lives colour our moviegoing experiences, and opt to make up our own minds—to decide and decipher on our own terms.

Right from the recut outset these ungrateful bastards got my goat. I was immediately taken aback by the extended’s icy blue Warner Bros. logo and wondered for a moment if I was watching Joel Schumacher’s Batman & Robin. Then, compounding matters further, the claret text that follows—bleeding into the thematically-apt, “God is good, God is great” thump of the prologue, in which the first lines—the reverberating cries of “Allahu Akbar” resound, is compromised immediately with the first of many unwanted scenic insertions we needed like a hole in the head. In this inferior incarnation, the opening titles instead give way to an inane, panning street scene, and a spare statue shot of the Mother Mary. Fortunately, the restoration team couldn’t find certain lines of dialogue, and certain shots and scenes were only available in low quality, scratched-up, work print form—not the original 35mm negative, so fortuitously Friedkin couldn’t reinstate more nonsense that would’ve impaired his masterpiece further. Talk about offensive—I reckon the way this lot cheaply butchered The Exorcist is more vulgar than anything in the film, and guiltier than any “video nasty” in terms of obscenity charges. A tremendous amount of respect is sadly absent and drastically due. Friedkin, if he searched his feelings—in his heart of hearts, still knows this to be true, as evidenced in a wonderfully apt anecdote regarding the impressionist painter, Pierre Bonnard from a discussion between the man himself and Blatty, in which the French artist tinkers with his framed piece—now hanging in the Louvre, with a palette and brush before getting chucked out by baffled security guards and then promptly nicked. Perhaps it would be equally fitting for Friedkin to suffer the same fate. I personally go easier on Billy than say, George Lucas, for example—although the two are main offenders in this painfully prevalent issue.

On his audio commentary, recorded in 1998 for the 25th Anniversary Special Edition LaserDisc and DVD release of The Exorcist, Friedkin—ever the contrarian, blunders, “The temptation today would be to hide little demons in the darkness, but I try to have more restraint.” Then what does he do? He literally hides dumb, maddening Pazuzu digital fuckery in the darkness—and most insultingly, they’re over the exact scene in which he’s discussing the futility of such things. What a betrayal! He sold out his opus to make some extra pocket money with a double-dip cash-in, and to accommodate the unappreciative nagging of that bible-basher, Blatty. All those perfunctory visages lobbed in like clumsy exclamation marks, and yet Friedkin—who confessed he needed a “Manhattan” subtitle to help establish the fact Karras had travelled all the way from Washington to New York City to visit his ailing mother, and if redoing the picture, would certainly include one. Well, why didn’t you then, when you had the nerve to inflict “The Daft Version We Should Never Have Seen” upon us all? Instead of dicking about with silly, superfluous subliminals, put something in that actually improves the coherence of the film.

The filmmakers couldn’t remove the wires on the spider-walk stunt until the advent of digital technology, and as several other excess scenes were being reconstituted anyway—why not this fabled one too? Purely as an image, I love the alarming nature of the spider-walk, but it’s become legendary as perhaps the most famed deleted scene ever, and therefore was coveted, but denied us, lurking notoriously in the shadows. When reintegrated, it really does fuck with the rhythm—and as scary as the imagery is, it’s the perfect example of going too far—the line of effects-based logic, realism, and taste were all concurrently crossed. It errs on the edge of comedic, and for my money, along with the gimmicky rotating puppet head—which admittedly works fine in context, tips The Exorcist a little too close to laughable farce. In the full-length deleted scene, it’s not just the slightly too light on her feet, crab-like descent that bothers me—it’s also the protruding snake tongue as Regan snaps at Sharon’s ankles on all fours—it’s all a spider step too far. Friedkin and his effects team mistakenly state claptrap like, “It would be a piece of cake to achieve these effects today.” Bollocks—it would be a piece of shit. Thoughtful, seamless, mechanical, practical effects are inevitably abandoned today in favour of clownish CG, which will no doubt once again rear its ugly Pazuzu head and destroy all mystique, when David Gordon Green dredges up the peacefully at rest cadaver of The Exorcist, and no doubt bungles his direct sequel later in 2023.

Anyone still unconvinced, there’s an additional redundant, cheapo CGI snarl when the hypnotist is speaking to “the person inside Regan,” and that palpable, hate-filled gaze as she looks up sinisterly, has been crudely painted over—ruined by some jumped-up sub-George Lucas 1997 computer horseshit. I was so mad, I wanted to spit—for Linda Blair, who had her iconic, captivating performance vandalised, and for every kid, and first-time viewer who’s seeing this tainted version. It’s also an insult to Roisman’s considered photography. That was the alteration that really got to me—I felt like I was in that fucking stupid bar in Jabba’s palace, and it was the retouched Return of the Jedi all over again—some techie twat with a mouse and a half-baked idea was force-feeding me computer-rendered garbage. Friedkin is sharp enough to lament that the quality of visual storytelling has diminished over time, yet what does he do to combat this fact? He does the same shit he’s criticising. Dropping of standards? Total hypocrisy on Friedkin’s part. If the theatrical is like a freshly sharpened knife, then the long version has been dulled. If only Billy had stuck to his *ahem* guns. Ironically the flattery, and borderline sycophancy of Kermode’s—at this point quite tedious Exorcist fetish, led to the unearthing of these unnecessary elements, and ironically damaged his beloved film—perhaps beyond repair. Imagine being partly responsible for ruining your favourite film for generations who were yet to discover its cinematic beauty and deep psychological resonance.

Contrarily, in spite of loathing the novelty-driven “Version You’ve Never Seen,” I do go in for the added, admittedly seamless digital face morph on the possessed Karras—but for posterity alone, in the interest of retaining the earliest version in every sense, I’d still reject it outright, in favour of the clunky but entirely in-camera jump cut of the original. To me, authenticity always wins out over modern, digital manipulation—unless the sole goal is to restore and recreate the initial cinemagoing experience. Purity is so important here, and the retention of these moments may have had historic merit, and value beyond measure for future cinephiles—after all, as inaccurate as it may be, the elongated, digital streaming reproduction currently circulating will likely act as the forever cut of the film.

Unfortunately, these days Friedkin’s pathological exaggerations have apparently led to him to believe in demonic possession—leaning into exorcism-related quackery with his Exorcist-tinged 2017 documentary, The Devil and Father Amorth. Pull the other one, Bill, it’s got bells on. What a load of old cobblers. He’s also seemingly retreated on his religious views as he’s aged—as most fearful folks do nearing the grave. I’d prefer to imagine it’s akin to Spielberg, who insisted he believed in aliens in the eighties because it all helps the cause and promotion of the movie, and in turn, the filmmakers’ livelihoods. After all, they’re both as shrewd as they come—but the blind comfort of fraud and mythomania are powerful enemies, even for the most rational thinker.

Friedkin now states the best; most definitive—or complete version, is the extended rerelease. He’s dead right that it’s the most complete; and dead wrong in saying it’s the best. I’d estimate two hours is just about the limit for one note dread—a filmmaker can only stretch the elastic band of anxiety for so long. The extra twelve or so minutes of “The Blah-Blah We’ve Never Blah’d” tips the picture over, as it loses significant momentum and mystery. The 132-minute edition is nothing short of a travesty. The 122-minute original wants no straps; no embellishments—needs no disclaimers, and no safety net. It lets us plummet, and forces us to make sense of the fall.

William Peter Blatty, whose premier preoccupation with—if you can convince people the Devil exists, then you can convince them about God as his rival, largely outweighs his artistic contribution—not to his best-selling novel, but to the motion picture of The Exorcist. He’s more concerned with his dictatorial, religious agenda, which backfired on him hard in ’73 with Friedkin’s deadpan, sobering cut calling into question amongst many moviegoers whether good or evil was ultimately victorious—a proposition Blatty is uncomfortable with to say the very least. “The Awful Version We Should Never Have Been Subjected To” is a desperate man’s attempt to remedy a non-existent problem, way after the fact. No one buys his novel’s insouciant, tough guy priests—they are weak in the film, as they should be. They doubt, they smoke, they cower and shiver in fear—and that’s the way I like it. The over-explanatory explicitness of Blatty’s book brings into question whether the film would’ve been laughed off screen if it had been made with any directorial hands other than the frank and frugal Friedkin’s—as its religious doctrine, biblical brainwash passages, and overt articulation of the meaning of moments were stripped out so cleanly, with surgical focus.

Regan’s bedroom scenes lose all their bewitching vagueness, and become all too conversational. At one pivotal point, in which the Demon is doing his damnedest to convince Karras he’s actually Satan himself, he laughably and benignly suggests the priest think of a number between one and ten. All the murky, beautiful restraint is gone in favour of unending, risible chatter between the rival minds. Most perplexing of all is where Pazuzu begins reeling off geographical trivia like he’s on a satanic episode of QI—confidently stating the answer is “Lake Titicaca”—which, along with “Pazuzu” is a word that should never be uttered in a film such as this. Are you listening John Boreman’s Exorcist II: The Heretic? What the hell is this pointless jibber-jabber doing here, Blatty? Thank the heavens for the editorial capabilities of Friedkin—the dialogue he chose to retain is exacting and curt. The disposable poppycock—abandoned and banished from the pages of the screenplay, renders the picture lean, ambiguous in all the right places, and leaves plenty of room for audiences to psychologically decode it.

I don’t give a hoot what Stephen King thinks about Stanley Kubrick’s The Shining. I couldn’t care less what Peter Benchley makes of Steven Spielberg’s Jaws—it’s immaterial. Author intent holds little bearing on the book itself, let alone the movie. It’s an adaptation—once it’s public, you don’t own the story anymore. Like when Macca told everyone “Martha My Dear” was about his dog—put a sock in it, Paul! As soon as you stick it on the White Album, and it’s in the shops, it doesn’t belong to you, or The Beatles anymore. As soon as it’s released into the world, it means whatever it needs to mean to whoever wants to hear it—or in the case of cinema, watch it. You’re gonna show me something in a theatre that could be potentially life-altering, and then fiddle with it before its home video release? I want to own the art I saw the first time—not someone’s “improved” idea of it—even if it’s the authors’ themselves.

Ellen Burstyn set her heart on playing the actress, and plagued mother of Regan, Christine “Chris” MacNeil, and was persistent in her pursuit, beating sturdy competition from Audrey Hepburn—who would only have taken the role if the picture was shot entirely in Rome, Anne Bancroft, who had a bun in the oven, and the effectively blacklisted “Hanoi Jane” Fonda, who turned it down flat, labelling the film, “capitalist bullshit.” In terms of Burstyn’s pivotal performance, I love the way Chris gets gradually more covered and hidden as the film proceeds—the headscarf, the over-sized jacket with the collar turned up, the dark movie star sunglasses, the gloves—she’s retreating; morphing into a different, forever changed person before our very eyes.

Jason Miller as Father Damien himself still feels astonishingly real to me—partly because I’ve never seen him in anything else. The revealing fact that author, screenwriter, and producer, William Peter Blatty offered to hand his entire earnings on The Exorcist over to director, William Friedkin if he agreed to let him play Karras speaks volumes. Friedkin shot down this gesture immediately, amid dodging bullets from Jack Nicholson and Paul Newman, who both wanted to play the role, and instead plumped for Stacy Keach, who was usurped by the actual lapsed Catholic, and playwright, Jason Miller, to the bewilderment of everyone on the production. How precisely is anyone’s guess, as tales vary—with Friedkin relaying on his revealing, first-rate solo DVD audio commentary, that Miller wanted to play Karras so badly he begged to screen test, but in contradiction—in Kermode’s The Fear of God: 25 Years of ‘The Exorcist’ documentary, it is Friedkin who approaches Miller and asks him to try out after seeing his latest play, which, “reeked of failed Catholicism.” He would later say, “the camera loved him,” and granted him the role. What resulted is one of my favourite screen performances, and perhaps the finest film debut I’ve ever seen. Although Bob is Bob and I wouldn’t change a thing, I’d also have loved to have seen him take a crack at Travis Bickle for Marty’s Taxi Driver three years later. Perhaps it’s because Miller is not a star—he isn’t Robert Redford or Gene Hackman, but I believe him in the part. I accept every word and every expression—he is Karras. Perhaps I was a little slow on the uptake as a teen; perhaps I just wanted to accept, or just loved films enough to suspend my disbelief in order to immerse myself in these fantastical stories, but I believed in The Exorcist. Karras’ mother was never an actress to me. When I watch Miller in The Exorcist, I feel as though I’m eavesdropping—observing real, human behavior, and not a performance. In the same spirit, a combination of unknowns and seasoned professionals in secondary character roles—most notably Lee J. Cobb as Kinderman, round out a grounded group of players.

Linda Blair—much like we saw with ’60s Beatlemania—experienced America go wild, and then blame her for it, resulting in so-called tragic, irreversible effects. Some bonkers believers thought she was actually evil, and felt it necessary to spout spurious, hurtful hokum—the teen even required bodyguards to protect her from the kooks. After all, how we are seen and treated by the world can shape us. The truth is less interesting, but thankfully more pleasant. From what I’ve seen, she’s extremely well-adjusted, and by all accounts a lovely, philanthropic person—focusing her efforts on a pet rescue dog shelter, the Linda Blair Worldheart Foundation.

For me, not even the 1990 comedy, Repossessed could break the spell or diminish The Exorcist‘s eerie effect. In all likelihood, I saw the daft spoof before, and it was subsequently lacking all context, but for the kind of imagery that tends to linger in pop culture potholes after a cinematic explosion makes its monumental, cultural impact—such as rotating head gags, split pea soup puking, and general bedridden green-faced grossness. At a younger age, I had already leaned into Leslie Nielsen’s Naked Gun movies. Here, he puts on a preposterous Irish accent, and acts as a half-arsed narrator who sort of comes and goes throughout. Repossessed even ripped off the Naked Gun one sheet art for its video box—depicting a pricelessly named, “Father Jebediah Mayii,” surfing a king-size crucifix, whilst brandishing a Bible, so it cunningly tricked me at that tender age. Although inferior in almost every way, it does feature a brazenly topless lady. I didn’t yet recognise The Exorcist‘s own, Linda Blair as the demonic matriarch, Nancy (Reagan—geddit?) Aglet, although she’s actually pretty funny, and a really good sport—spewing goo in bed in her full Regan makeup, referencing Pee-wee Herman, and branding priests as, “collar jockeys.” WWF pundits of the day, Jesse “The Body” Ventura, and mean Gene Okerlund even have a third act cameo, and the catchy, earwormy theme song, “Re-re-re-Repossessed!” still jangles around in my brain to this very day.

We arrive at The Exorcist‘s tobacco-tinted lensed, flat cap wearing, gun-toting, priest-punching, irascibly out of control director, William Friedkin. All things considered, is Friedkin purely a movie brat, toy-throwing pram-dweller? Just ask poor casualty of bad Billy—Ellen Burstyn as Chris MacNeil, who was yanked by harness, high off her 41-year-old feet and across Regan’s bedroom into a wall, and onto her coccyx at the behest of the out of control, common senseless director by an equally mad disciple of Friedkin—the overzealous special effects technician, Marcel Vercoutere—injuring her spine permanently, only to be continually filmed whilst crying out in pain. Or ask little Linda Blair, who was flung around like a rag doll in agony whilst the cameras rolled, and when her metal back brace slipped and repeatedly smashed into and fractured her lower spine, left her crying out for, “Billy!”—her director, in floods of tears. Or try Jason Miller as Father Karras, who got direct-hit slimed in the gob against his will by Dick Smith’s gang, and was left genuinely started—anything for a decent take, when heat-packing, prankster crackpot, Friedkin busted a cap to simulate the sudden ringing of a rotary phone—a dimwitted directorial flourish employed famously by John Ford, and then George Stevens, who would employ any methods necessary during production of 1959’s The Diary of Anne Frank. Or perhaps review the finale of the film, in which Friedkin flagellated actual priest, Father William O’Malley as Father Dyer—striking him across the chops to trigger an authentic shaky hand as he administers the last rites to a dying Karras at the foot of the “Hitchcock steps.”

Friedkin, tirelessly in search of score music that felt like, “a cold hand on the back of the neck,” also disposed of two well-regarded composers—Bernard Herrmann (Psycho, Taxi Driver) due to a “working methods” clash, with Herrmann dictating the director should erase the whole Iraq segment, essentially hand the picture over to him, and he’d score the entire thing with a church organ. Friedkin simply said, thanks but no thanks. Secondly sacked was Lalo Schifrin (Cool Hand Luke, Bullitt, Dirty Harry), whose cacophonous, wall-to-wall attempt allegedly drove Billy to bark, “This is Mexican music! I hate Mexican music!” before hoying the reel-to-reel recording across the adjoining street and into a car park—concluding, “That’s where that belongs.” He fired Lalo on the spot, in front of both Schifrin’s wife and agent, and the two never spoke again. If I may play devil’s advocate, perhaps Friedkin simply learned the valuable lesson that sometimes a score isn’t as good as the temp track, and although he kicked off massively, the passion perhaps justified the irresponsibility and rampant mania. All that being said and done, literally everything mentioned above is in the film—on the celluloid, and preserved forever. A handy quote typically attributed to director, Robert Zemeckis is that “Pain is temporary. Film is forever.” As hard as it is to justify Friedkin’s behaviour, when the dust settles on the careers of these actors, these controversial moments will live on in perpetuity. Burstyn, by all accounts would disagree, and if I were her I’m certain I’d feel the exact same way. Certainly, unnecessary risks were taken—which provokes the question, how far should a director go to achieve their vision; their art? Was Billy really a virulent loon, or was he so invested in this piece that he would die for it; slap, injure, maim, for every frame of it? Is this ever justified in the pursuit of collaborative art? After all, he wasn’t slapping himself, was he?

As well as exhibiting potentially criminal negligence on set, conversely, the devil-may-care Friedkin was also an artist adding “grace notes” and magical movie moments like Von Sydow shambling through shafts of light in Iraq as if pacing through a Rembrandt, or the writhing, almost imperceptible—incorrectly thought of as subliminal, Alain Renet-style Eileen Dietz flash frame as the pale-faced Pazuzu appearing momentarily during the exorcism. Friedkin confessed in his informative feature-length documentary chinwag for Shudder—Leap of Faith: William Friedkin on The Exorcist, that film-wise, 1955’s Ordet by Carl Theodor Dreyer was the only influence in terms of cinema. Most of The Exorcist‘s cues originated in art and music. James Ensor—a Belgian painter, certainly had impact, although more so in 1978’s follow-up to Friedkin’s Sorcerer—The Brink’s Job. “The greatest of all the surrealists,” René Magritte’s Empire of Light is evident in the iconic, streetlit arrival of Merrin on Prospect Street, the “moments of truth” captured in Henri Cartier-Bresson’s candid, monochromatic, humanist photographs played a key part, as did View of Delft by Dutch Baroque Period painter, Johannes Vermeer. Any of Caravaggio’s jet-black backgrounds encircling dramatically lit figures, and depicting a strong, emotional, hard edge could be noted. Also, Rembrandt’s trademark hard light on one side of the face, and softer on the other, with a fraction of back light immediately conjures the image of the subway vagrant pleading with Karras to help an old altar boy—however, these self-aggrandising, art-savvy citations may be designed to validate the status of the director himself, and no doubt could be cited in most film lighting setups, but it’s safe to say they’re all present in the film somewhere if we go looking, and choose to see them.

Recently, I’ve reassessed what always appeared to be an excisable prologue. Call it teenage naivety, but a neat severing of the at a glance indulgent opening ten minutes, and instead beginning with the gloom of Georgetown always felt like a no-brainer. However, as well as to cushion the shadowy arrival of Merrin in the film’s final act, the scene’s importance lies in its function as a thematic table setter; a solid underpinning. It stabilizes the tone, and sets the scene of an ancient, supernatural mystery and the mythology of what The Exorcist is all about. Two worthy opponents—Pazuzu and Merrin, are inexorably drawn together—the twisted snake phallus, snarling dog fight, and square go stare-down, echo the dusty remnants of the first African face off between the priest and the Mesopotamian demon. Most importantly, as the novel clearly states—it’s a premonition. It’s the innate knowledge that he’s about to face this fiend again in a rematch that will ultimately result in his demise. It’s a conundrum for audiences, both then and now. On paper, it’s traditional narrative suicide—casting arguably our lead protagonist and titular character, Father Lankester Merrin out, until the final act of the picture—yet it’s also thematically resonant, and purely as a tool of character-based foreshadowing, enhances the depth of the tale. It’s so rich in its visuals and thesis that it somehow holds up to scrutiny and deepens the many perceived meanings within the movie.

The more I returned to the picture this time around, the more overpowered I was by the blocking and staging of the prologue—concocted not by the film’s director of photography, Owen Roizman (The French Connection, Network) as with the rest of the picture, but by British cameraman, Billy Williams (Women in Love, Gandhi) alongside Friedkin—who insisted upon including the sequence in the screenplay after Blatty excised it from his first draft adaptation, and also actually shooting it on location in northern Iraq at a real dig. It’s an audacious approach to tone-setting that makes perfect sense to me today, but passed me by like a 108-year-old crone in a rickety carriage for most of my viewings. The milky-eyed stranger, perpetually hammering away is evidently a precursor to some of Regan’s physical alterations to come, and the textured sound design—the rhythmic, pounding, digging, beating, and cobbling with nails and pickaxes is intentionally mirrored in the clattering and banging of the hurtling, robotic-tentacled machinery in the film’s medical sequences.

The Exorcist‘s color timing is incredibly important throughout—notice the way Friedkin turns the black-and-white sun blood red at the climax of the prologue—that’s a conscious, artistic decision. Why he thinks he has the right to arbitrarily alter the rest of the colour palette all these years later is beyond me. The dual pillars of good and evil in ancient battle, either side of a setting sun, with the scarlet desert sky conceding ground to the cool, detached blue of Washington, as we enter the next chapter. Perhaps the point of the prologue is to make us despair; to show how ancient evil is—and to me, quite damningly—to articulate that it will never retreat. Consider the deliberate manner in which Regan’s right hand is raised later on during her hypnosis. It’s clearly reminiscent of the intro’s Pazuzu statue—the right arm is up, and the left is positioned across the body.

Did The Exorcist signal the end of an era, or a new beginning? As with the year one, sci-fi monster spectacle, Alien, or the aforementioned found footage front-runner, The Blair Witch Project, which each heralded the arrival of a new kind of film within a burgeoning genre. Yes, films like them had come before, and as with Alien, almost every beat existed—the plot points had mostly been done, but never quite like these films depicted them. Note the firsts—The Exorcist was the first “horror” to be nominated for Best Picture at the Academy Awards, and remains in that elite club alongside Jaws, The Silence of the Lambs (the only movie to actually win), The Sixth Sense, Black Swan, and Get Out. By the time Burstyn was investigating fluttering sounds in the attic, the technique was somewhat old hat—a played out trick straight out of Hitchcock’s The Birds, made ten years previous, yet still represented precisely where horror resided in people’s minds back in ’73. Friedkin had cracked the code on something new, and that special something was still resonant and impactful enough to cut through the slasher-horror fare of the late ’90s, and remarkably still resounds, even today. The cryptic candle flareup and scuttling demonic activity embodied by the rapping in the attic, ticks a suspense-horror box, but it’s really only there to illustrate a watershed moment, and a changing of the guards.

Even today, the infamous, profane crucifix masturbation scene, or more accurately—the bloody, savage genital mutilation, involving 12-year-old Regan MacNeil, is admirably blasphemous and distasteful, and possesses a shocking, sweary clout beyond what modern cinema usually chucks at us. Preceding this alarming highlight is the subtle, almost imperceptible—yet psychologically effective sound of a grandfather clock just after Kinderman leaves, before McNeil runs upstairs into the chaos of the flying vinyl records in a swirling room vortex. It’s also a scene I originally misread. After my initial viewing, I naively and mistakenly referred to the scene as Regan stabbing herself in the leg, as it was somewhat unclear to me what the possessed girl was actually up to. Furthermore, I’d always read the scene as Regan telling anyone listening—here it’s solely her mother, to “Let Jesus fuck you!” several times over, but in reality it was somehow a more troubling thought. The Demon, now in full force, is inflicting this sexual abuse act upon Regan—speaking these unforgettable words not through her—but directly to her, forcing Regan to give in; to concede defeat, which not only amplifies the horror of the scene, but with this upsetting context, renders it far more disturbing. When sharply followed by the Burke-mirroring head rotation, which although is my least favorite mechanical, practical effect in the picture, when combined with my second favourite makeup stage—Dick Smith’s gangrenous green canker sore, self-inflicted wounds level—the bloody, yellow-toothed but still girlish Regan affecting Burke’s British brogue, may be the scariest image in cinema. It may play a little dated, but the scare is so clearly coloured by character in the storytelling reveal that she is in fact Burke’s murderer—this being her supernatural confession, that it still satisfyingly sends shivers down the spine—and like the ancient clacking of a ghost train that’s run the same rails ragged for decades upon decades, it still jolts and shakes its somewhat unprepared passengers.

Composer, Phil Spector acolyte, and Rolling Stones collaborator, Jack Nitzsche’s (One Flew Over the Cuckoo’s Nest) finger slid around the edge of a wine glass to create a theremin-esque, tone-setting whine. A bee in a jar layered sixteen times with pitch changes, and mixed with real pigs led to slaughter—there may not be a real Devil in the celluloid as Billy Graham once fearfully preached, but there is real death in the workings of the soundtrack. El Topo‘s Gonzalo Gavira—who Friedkin described as, “a Mexican peasant with no shoes,” and his ingenious, on the spot foley sound effect of a credit card-filled, folded leather wallet cracking and clicking to simulate Regan’s possessed head rotating through 360 degrees, is now the stuff of legend. Friedkin took the silences in the film so seriously that occasionally we’re not even listening to a soundless film strip—it’s just the white leader. There’s no sound at all—absolute dead silence.

When you’ve got the gravel-voiced Mercedes McCambridge in restraints—crouched and bound to a chair, necking whiskey, chain-smoking cigarettes, and downing raw eggs, you perhaps don’t require manipulated, bullshit post-production roars. In context though, when you watch the whole piece, it absolutely works—faults and all. Somewhat cryptically, Friedkin wanted the Demon’s voice to sound akin to a Hieronymus Bosch piece, which makes more sense when we take into account the concept of “Legion” with the innumerable bodies in fleshy, sexual repose and the imagined yet perceptible caterwauling, as seen in his Garden of Earthly Delights—especially with its third panel’s illustrations of sin, punishment, and Hell. The Exorcist boasts a mix so densely detailed and layered that even Friedkin confessed to hearing new elements during the digital remastering and rerelease.

I love that it’s such a downer. A shock to the system is always refreshing—to our internal systems as audiences, and to the Hollywood system itself. It’s a tad simplistic to say “the Devil wins,” but by Blatty, Kermode, and company’s own rationale—in spite of the damage to her physically, if the Demon’s true target is not the pure and innocent Regan, and is instead the despairing believers and non-believers being the emotional prey—to make every other soul under that Georgetown roof completely despair—which is precisely what unfurls, then perhaps it’s beyond doubt. Merrin lies dead from an inevitable heart attack—arguably defeated by the Assyrian Demon. Yes, Karras’s actions are heroic in his self-sacrifice to replace Regan as the vessel for Pazuzu, but his death in the process—by, to Catholics, the unholy sin of suicide no less, concedes the game. The Demon presumably lives on elsewhere to fight another day, as with the previous case in Africa decades earlier. The Devil is driven out, but surely lives on—evil is still present in the world when the final credits appear.

Call me a heathen, but I also cherish that The Exorcist spooks the religious. I find the fact that believers fear their own loving God to such an extent that a lowly horror picture such as this can rattle them to their very foundations by turning their own superstitions and dark age faith against them—purely by using art. Besides, as an atheist heretic, I’m not interested in a film where God “wins.” If I’m picking and choosing, I’d sooner the Devil did emerge victorious, as it’s simply more interesting—and preferable to either of those options, I’d rather make up my own mind. Blatty wants his God to win, Friedkin preferred the picture to be ambiguous, and that’s why the theatrical remains the superior cut. It exposes the separateness of humanity—a vein of futility, and it mournfully illustrates how we’re all ultimately on our own. It’s reflective of an ongoing battle of good versus evil within us, and within the entire world. There is a power for good, just as there is a power for evil, and they’re in combat all the time—life is ambiguous, and so is the dark denouement.

For Blatty to quietly remark, “I don’t want them to think the Devil wins,” is just as feeble and frail as the desperate cloying and sycophantic pious ramblings of his text, and Friedkin—an alleged unbeliever at the time, possessed the precise attitude necessary to adapt and adjust it. I always admire the film’s confidence—the brash boldness to take on religion, and allow the Demon an incredible amount of freedom, reign, and power, and ultimately give him the upper hand. The sneering, cackling, and contemptuous mockery exuding from the bedevilled Regan right before Merrin sternly cries, “I cast you out!” only proves the Demon will only leave her body if it chooses to—the priests are altogether helpless, mirroring the tragic truth that Blatty is in fact seeking to hide from both audiences, and himself.

As Billy Friedkin often repeats, “Everybody who sees this film takes from it what they bring to it.” Even the face of Pazuzu, and Blair’s body double for the picture, Eileen Dietz, beautifully and poignantly stated, “We bring upon our own Hell, and our own Heaven.” Friedkin endlessly regales us with his, “I didn’t set out to make a horror film. It’s not a horror film—it’s a story about the mystery of faith” spiel. Blatty would regurgitate the same—that he never intended to frighten the audience. But come on—let’s face it. More than a little horror crept onto the pages, and into the frame. The fact is that Friedkin may not have approached his film of The Exorcist as a by the numbers, hokey Hammer horror—yet somewhat ironically, it’s still a priest staking a vampire of sorts. It’s also a persistent, one note of dread, played dead straight, and captured with documentary realism amidst true, character-driven drama.

A simplistic word like “realistically” betrays the film, as The Exorcist is, at times—like the majority of my favourite films—a phantasmagorical experience. There is undoubtedly an experimental side. Take perhaps what is perhaps my favourite nightmare sequence ever captured—Karras, racked by guilt, dreaming of his deceased mother as she descends the NYC subway stairs, down to her impending fate, juxtaposed with the stopped clock and the falling medallion. Maybe it’s my admiration of Friedkin, and my love for the film, but using “symbiosis” to explain away blatant plot holes is beyond bold. In fact, so staggeringly arrogant is the assumption we will go along with this harebrained theory, I almost admire it. After all, what is the Monolith in Kubrick’s 2001: A Space Odyssey? Why is it on Jupiter, and then finally in the white room? Not every filmic image requires a definitive answer. Who knows, perhaps this technique allows the film to be seen through different prisms over time, and ultimately adds to the longevity and rewatchability of The Exorcist.

As I take it, symbiosis is utilised here as the subconscious sharing of images and thoughts—most notably experienced by Merrin and Karras. Father Merrin’s premonitions and experiences inexplicably intrude on Karras’s dream—the warring dogs, the Saint Joseph medal, the stopped clock that only Merrin sees. The medallion is perhaps the most compelling inclusion. As a talisman—much like “Rosebud,” the symbolic sled of Citizen Kane fame, it’s indecipherable and infinitely intriguing. This pendant shows up for bewildering, curious reasons. There’s no way a Saint Joseph’s medal would ever be found at the Iraqi dig. Then, how could that very same necklace appear around the neck of Father Karras? Friedkin was working instinctually, and later confessed outright that he didn’t know what all this business really meant, but also let slip a telling and worthy piece of advice referencing what filmmaker, Fritz Lang once called, “sleepwalking security.” As David Bowie once said, “Never play to the gallery.” Friedkin directly asserts, “You do things that you think are right. Period.” It’s hard to argue when the result of that ethos births a film this formidable. That beautiful ignorance is, I believe, the key to creating art, and the fundamental principle used when crafting The Exorcist.

This film has both the courage and the nouse to ask unanswerable questions, and then trust that it will be provocative enough intellectually to conjure, and then inhabit that wonderful cinematic zone where it’s able to be experienced repeatedly. As Kermode rightly says, it becomes a different movie with each watch because our interpretation of these unfathomable details shifts. It’s all quite illogical, yet it’s never enough of an issue that it damages the picture—it only proves that we are spoon-fed far too much in modern cinema—there’s no room to breathe. The Exorcist is pitch-perfect with its exposition—both voluntarily given, and thoughtfully hidden.

Upon release it was the most successful motion picture in film history, and a sociological phenomenon—it remains a film beyond genre; beyond cinema itself. What the fanatical Friedkin and his cohorts released back on Boxing Day ’73, was something else. The duelling egos of its primary caregivers—a delicious blend of Blatty’s blind faith, and Friedkin’s purist attraction to story, as a director undeterred by deities. The Exorcist is conceivably the most vicious and uncompromising movie ever produced, and a work that preys relentlessly and unapologetically on superstition; the ingrained theological fears of believers, and the inherent, ceaseless ties between horror and religion.

The Jim Commandments

Terminator 2: Judgment Day (1991)

Discounting Piranha II: The Spawning—from which James Cameron claims to have been sacked, in a shrewd attempt to distance himself from, and disown it—and his underwater documentary work, he’s only actually directed eight films, and for me, only three are worth your precious time: The Terminator, Aliens, and Terminator 2: Judgment Day. It’s an underestimation, and plain insulting to say they’re merely worth your time, though—they’re nothing short of some of the most iconic, pop culture-defining movies ever produced.

The quality of this era—Jim’s finest work, only muddles matters in terms of his hit-and-miss filmography. T2 is peak Cameron—pre-king of the world, but undisputed, reigning king of the hi-tech, best sequels ever. What on earth happened? At a glance, even in 2023, it appears this is still his modus operandi, and remains his major preoccupation—he’s still unequivocally a top flight filmmaker, but there are levels, especially when you’re the bloke behind the might of Judgment Day. Is anyone in their right mind weighing the validity and credibility of T2 against something like Avatar: The Way of Water? Perhaps after a filmmaker births a picture as strong as Terminator 2, there’s really nowhere left for them to go. Plumb the depths of the ocean instead, perhaps, in search of new treasures and life distractions? Granted, T2 was also an unadulterated popcorn action movie, but it simultaneously housed such deep, disturbing themes, and disappointingly, now represents the last bastion of the old Cameron; the Jim with a nasty, sullen edge—an edge sadly left behind, never to return. ’84-’91 was his capsule of greatness, neatly bookended by his original two Schwarzenegger-starring Terminator entries. Some might say the signs were always there, with Jim having a keen eye for flashy effects dating way back to the Battle Beyond the Stars Corman days, and throughout his early filmography, but in 1996, T2 3-D: Battle Across Time—an immersive attraction ride at Universal Studios, represented a switch; the first step towards shallow, gimmicky engagements, and away from authentic, story and character-driven films.

Cameron never made another film as solidly dark and dense as Terminator 2, but credit where it’s due, T2 was a technical cinematic accomplishment beyond all others, and has aged like a fine wine. Although I don’t care for the crowbarred-in, wannabe Bond action, flamboyant misogyny, and desperately infantile humour of True Lies, it was really 1997’s self-serving vanity project, Titanic and his deep sea diving doc horseshit like Ghosts of the Abyss, and Aliens of the Deep, when his pictures weakened and waned. Compared to Judgment Day, his Avatar sequels are, and will continue to be, a fuck off; a waste of time. To me, they’re blatantly ego-inflating, cynically designed, money making ventures, and nothing more.

Naturally, mature work tends to emerge towards the completion of a career. Most directors are comparatively grown-up as they enter their late sixties. Jim should be knee-deep in thematic concerns by now. Instead, he’s regressed beyond hope, and it was such a shame to witness a preeminent director, visionary, and one of my all-time filmmaking heroes get so lost in his own extravagant nonsense. Admittedly, he’s a lesser offender than the Marvel and DC lot (not you, Nolan)—mostly due to having so much in the bank with film-goers. Cameron has nevertheless become the cinematic embodiment of out of touch infantilism at a time when he should be maturing as an artist, and spearheading modern storytelling by tapping back into the ballsiness of his Rambo: First Blood Part II, Point Break, and Strange Days script contributions, and skewing films back into Aliens and T2-toned adult territory (not like that—sex scenes are hardly Jim’s strong suit), and not megalomaniacal, worldbuilding pissing contests, George Lucas worship, and Peter Jackson mimicry.

Where were Cameron’s peers at 68? Sir Ridley was readying American Gangster, Spielberg—with Bridge of Spies and The BFG, had one foot in a commercial camp, and the other in more fully fledged, contemplative work, as he has done so cleverly throughout his career with side-by-side productions like Schindler’s List and Jurassic Park in ’93, and later on, Munich and War of the Worlds. Scorsese also mixed maturity with a youthful sensibility as he simultaneously made Shutter Island and Hugo at that age. What was another seemingly weary genius, Stanley Kubrick, filling his dwindling days with? Eyes Wide Shut (he’d be dead just two years later, aged 70—there’s a lesson for Jim: time is short, directing films is a privilege not owed to many, and as ten films max, Quentin Tarantino, often preaches—every film in your filmography counts). Cameron could make literally anything—look at Coppola’s current self-funded magnum opus, Megalopolis. Instead, we get five Avatars. It’s evidence of a businessman, not an artist. It remains to be seen if the entire Avatar series pays off commercially—never doubt Cameron when it comes to dollars, but it’s sad—mournful, really, to witness such an artistic decline. Put the Marvel-minded child’s play down—enough with the blue people, let’s get serious again; aim higher. But I don’t think Jim’s capable of it. He’s been characteristically frank on the recent Avatar: The Way of Water press tour, confessing he’s making movies to fund his extracurricular activities, and it shows. 

Take T2’s creepy, cheek-licking orderly, Dougie—it’s all beyond disturbing. I mean, if that’s what he’s up to, what else is he tonguing when the patients are sedated? As unsettling and icky as that fleeting moment is, it’s here; it’s included, and I don’t believe that part of Cameron exists anymore. Age, diminishing testosterone levels, and to a degree, boredom with the medium, have stamped it out. Consider Sarah’s attempted assassination of Miles Dyson, where she obliterates half the house with automatic machine gun fire, strides in fearlessly in a tactical vest, clutching a handgun—Dyson crying, bleeding on the floor—his petrified family pleading for their lives; for her mercy. She cryptically threatens, “I’m not gonna let you do it,” before collapsing into a heap—everyone in floods of tears. Put that in your FernGully smurf sequel, Jimbo.

Soon came the shoddy Terminator sequels, and who’s there to sign off on ’em all? To convince fans they’re canon? To promote the tat for kickbacks, and backend in his back pocket to fund more ostentatious journeys 20,000 leagues under the sea? Ol’ J.C.—appropriate for a chap with a messiah complex. One thing I despise about the relentlessness of poor sequels is that they have the potential to undo the importance of the events depicted in the original.

The grandest insult in these phony follow-ons, and the most insulting in terms of the desecration of the plight of the Connors, is 2019’s Terminator: Dark Fate, in which the two Cameron entries are jiggered with so badly, the events of The Terminator and Terminator 2 end up cheapened and diminished by unarguably inferior installments. Without doubt, Terminator 3: Rise of the Machines, Terminator Salvation, and Terminator Genisys, were varying levels of abysmal; misjudgment days, if you will—but main offender, Dark Fate marked a new low; a personal insult to anyone with a modicum of investment in Jim’s duo. I want to see human beings—not computer renderings of exhumed actors, long since bloated and wrinkled. The arcs of these characters are complete. Don’t be digging up their graves, just to crudely and disrespectfully whack John Connor in the first five minutes, in what resembles a dreadful, video game cut scene. I couldn’t even stomach the forged, yet relatively subtle, execution of The Irishman‘s de-aging methods, so Dark Fate was always going to fall short in my eyes.

Subsequent faffing persisted, and it’s obvious to anyone with eyes, and a brain in their head, that all that messing devalues movies—potentially irreparably. I truly believe even the greatest, most iconic work can be diminished—even undone, if the culprits’ intentions are impure and incompetent enough. Talk about The Phantom Menace ruining childhoods—you’re telling me everything in The Terminator was for naught? The events of T2 were ultimately pointless? I refuse. It’s the retroactive destruction of those key Sarah and John story arcs, and for what? A piece of shit money-spinner like Dark Fate. The story is over; the tale has been told. There’s nothing else to it. It’s zero integrity on the part of the rights-holders—a shameless desire to make a few bucks, and Cameron’s involvement in the marketing and advertising of these bastard children is reprehensible. Let’s face it, we can no longer believe a single word that falls from his mouth. I have zero interest in the Terminator franchise *bleugh* beyond Judgment Day. I’ve seen them all, but they’re one watch wonders; they’re Kingdom of the Crystal Skull levels of I don’t care. To me, they simply should not, and therefore do not exist. Indiana Jones and the Last Crusade was his last crusade (clue’s in the title, people), Judgment Day is the final Terminator film, and to me, forever will be.


The Jim Commandments

Judgment Day is a box-ticking bonanza in terms of “The Jim Commandments”—a (lightly plagiarised, but fairly definitive) method of checklisting the key rules of superlative sequels.

  • Should feel familiar, yet original
  • Identify what worked, and build on it
  • Up the stakes
  • Play to and with audience expectations
  • Give the audience something new—”If it ain’t broke, don’t fix it” is the enemy of sequels
  • Continue the story; don’t just repeat the original in a new location, e.g. Speed 2: Cruise Control
  • Provide a satisfying twist on the original premise, e.g. good Arnold in T2
  • Skew the same character/s and premise into a new design principle/genre, e.g. Cameron turning Alien‘s suspenseful art-horror into a sci-fi action combat film with Aliens
  • Retain a logical, believable continuation of the characters’ stories—resist falling into the trap of increasingly preposterous leaps in logic to keep them in the same far-fetched situation as previously explored, e.g. Jaws: The Revenge
  • Ask a question the audience didn’t think to ask, but now must know the answer to
  • Deepen our understanding of, and evolve the lead character by thrusting them into new challenges, and presenting new obstacles to overcome—characters from the original should grow, develop, and show change
  • Through line protagonist returns with the same desire but a different need—a reason to survive beyond survival itself, e.g. Sarah Connor protecting John/Ripley protecting Newt—a selfless, maternal duty becomes paramount
  • Add new, memorable characters, e.g. Connery in Last Crusade, or a superior villain, e.g. Ledger in Dark Knight—intensify the antagonist
  • Should also function as a stand alone film—self-contained, coherent in isolation, and so strong, that you could skip the first film entirely
  • More, more, more—a more relentless rapid pace; more elaborate, give audience more of what worked the first time around, but bigger—darker, funnier, more complex, a deeper emotional focus

T2 is to The Terminator what Sam Raimi’s Evil Dead II is to 1981’s The Evil Dead—a bigger, brasher redo. It’s effective because it articulates everything the original did, but more definitively. Whether it’s Sarah and Kyle ducking and weaving through the factory’s hydraulic presses and moving machines in the original, mirrored entirely in the climactic steel mill of T2, or the nighttime highway truck pursuit in each film—be it a truck driver or a gardening van fella who witnesses Arnie’s metallic visage—I suppose we can add him to the list of future 4chan “conspiracy nuts” who saw a cyborg that evening, along with all those Cyberdyne first responder cops the T-800 kneecapped, who would surely all have Infowars-esque YouTube channels by now. 1984’s The Terminator is more of a bleak, hopeless, sci-fi horror (or “tech-noir” as Jim coined it), and the follow-up is predominantly a sci-fi actioner, albeit with its own nightmarish flair. It’s revealing that I never hesitated to watch the second film as a kid, but the original made me pause for thought. The Terminator scared me to a degree where I would actively think, “I’ll watch The Terminator and frighten myself.” I’d take in T2 with my parents and younger sister around, but not the first film. Perhaps it was the intense, gorier aspects—the eye removal, Linda Hamilton’s slo-mo cupped boobs, and the Slider Walkman sex.

Countless critics chimed in on Terminator 2’s fatality-averting gunfire, with Arnold ditching prior bloodthirsty excess—against his own wishes, if Cameron’s T2 audio commentary recollections are to be believed. Schwarzenegger was initially hesitant about the castrating lack of on screen murderous acts on the part of his star-making Terminator character, and the script-flip substituting his killer robot for a protective goodie. Was it all a hangover from John McTiernan’s late ’80s Predator and Die Hard mentality, where shooting at nothing was the latest insurgent intellectual trend—a smart subversion of the ludicrous body counts and irresponsible, throwaway cartoon violence of Commando, Rambo III and the like? In Terminator 2, Jim and Arnold even let “Old Painless” (the preposterously powerful minigun from Predator) out of the bag for more rip-roaring carnage. Are they all reading from the same hymn sheet? This would strike me as peculiar, as Cameron was responsible, along with Stallone, for scripting Rambo: First Blood Part II. Sly’s bullet festival excess would also provoke Kubrick into producing his anti-war answer to screen depictions of combat, Full Metal Jacket.

Brad Fiedel’s score does a ton of heavy lifting in terms of the emotional resonance. The hyper-futuristic clanking, and violent, barbed militaristic marching of “Tanker Chase” alone may be suspenseful enough to induce night sweats. Equally robotically rattlesome, percussive, and shimmeringly intense—the pulsing drone; that hum, the rhythmic handgun fire, metallic shrieks of knives and stabbing weapons scattered throughout, all underline the menace. Even when off screen, the liquid metal T-1000 is forever present in the music and sound design—always lurking, mirroring the antagonist’s relentless pursuit of John. Coupled with perhaps the best movie sound mix I’ve ever heard, the images, sound design, and score, are forever interlocked and inseparable in a way that only the magic of cinema can accomplish.

T2’s almost seamless, 2023-topping integration of digital effects is a masterclass—alongside other CG-pioneering pictures of the era, such as Spielberg’s original Jurassic Park, still staggeringly stand up today. Sadly, contempt for the audience seems to have replaced Industrial Light & Magic’s humble desire to convince us, and most importantly, themselves, that digital could cut the mustard, and transport viewers into the story as effectively as stop-motion, animatronics, miniatures, and prosthetic makeup previously had. Concern over whether digital could replace practical has now vanished altogether—to an unhealthy degree, and contemporary audiences are being cheated with subpar scraps from the computer graphics artist’s table as the industry norm.

Here, Jim gives himself license to be badass—with the T-800—a cyborg cloaked in flesh, peeling away on the Harley-Davidson Fat Boy, with George Thorogood & The Destroyers’ “Bad to the Bone” cranked all the way up to eleven, on an L.A. highway at night. That is cinema. It’s the gold standard—the action movie by which all others are measured—and unfortunately for them all, it’s yet to be equaled. It’s cinema perfection—total escapist action with a propulsive, infinitely rewatchable, terrifying and entertaining story.

The only action adventure film in danger of topping T2, in terms of daisy-chained, breathless set pieces, is Raiders of the Lost Ark. Each of these two films boast three, extended stunt sequences in a row that are all absolute knockouts. In Raiders it’s the Well of Souls sequence, with Indy and Marian smashing the massive column through the stone wall to escape the darkening, serpent-filled tomb. Then Indy fistfights the hefty Nazi mechanic, followed directly by the whole plane explosion stunt. Before we can relax, he’s on horseback in pursuit of the ark, which evolves into the iconic truck chase, and it’s all underscored evocatively with John Williams’ classic cues.

In Judgment Day, it’s the Cyberdyne escape—a worthy minigun show unto itself, followed by the police truck vs. helicopter highway chase, and it’s all practical. These sequences aren’t about morphing CGI—they’re really wrecking helicopters; they’re really flipping a truck with 1,000 squibs detonating in its roof. Even as a boy, I understood this stacking of set pieces was something special because not only was it thrill after thrill after thrill, the hits felt real, the bullets were ricocheting violently with genuine danger and visual consequence. It was Die Hard levels of aerial chopper photography, but dare I say, piloted even better. Where could Cameron go from there? Where could he possibly take us next? Into the molten lead foundry, which miraculously, despite its contrivances and convenience in terms of the melty antagonist, doesn’t feel tagged on, or underwhelming, after the non-stop action preceding it. It’s character-based, and instead, goes under the death-defying stunts to resolve the story with performance, emotion and heart.

Bold statement time. Judgment Day’s three, core action sequences have never been equaled—and they’re back-to-back, with no let up; no time to take a breath, just balls to the wall, practical action. Yes, True Lies arguably goes bigger, and yes, the vehicular choreography of the bridge sequence is visually impressive and practically achieved, but it can never get near T2—not even close. Perhaps it’s superior to Raiders, perhaps not. Whichever film we side with, an argument can certainly be made for T2 being the pinnacle, as it’s aged so gracefully, and bafflingly still looks like it was made yesterday. It’s a miracle of sci-fi action filmmaking—all filmmaking, really. I don’t know anyone who doesn’t adore it. This is the ideal tone—nailed absolutely perfectly, with an ending so beautifully pitched, and adeptly handled—heartfelt and moving without straying into Cameron’s latter career saccharine melodrama. Humanity, story, and old-fashioned actors just acting; doing their thing, will outweigh business-minded, surface action, and forced franchise filmmaking every time, and Cameron knows it—or at least he did.

Merry Christmas, Ya Filthy Animal

Home Alone (1990)

Home Alone is not for everyone. As much as my dad laughs at Gerald G. Bamman’s indelible portrayal of the miserly Uncle Frank, I’m certain it’s not entirely his cup of tea—though I do cherish the memory of him taking me to see Home Alone 2: Lost in New York at the old ABC Cinema in Darlington way back in 1992, when I was just 10. I grasp why Kevin‘s petulant screaming—stinging his baby face with aftershave, dashing about with arms a-flailin’, forever smugly addressing himself, and breaking the fourth wall grates on some—particularly when juxtaposed with writer/producer, John Hughes’ shade-darker, mostly directorial, teen angst efforts, The Breakfast Club, Pretty in Pink, and Career Opportunities. Even the broadly comedic, Planes, Trains & Automobiles, The Great Outdoors, and Uncle Buck are arguably a notch higher on the black humour scale. Home Alone’s Three Stooges-esque slapstick is more akin to elements of the National Lampoon’s Vacation series, or the visual gag-heavy, Baby’s Day Out, and is perhaps an acquired taste. In spite of Home Alone‘s Simpsons-esque, dual-layered, grown-ups and nippers-appeasing approach, filmmakers such as Kevin Smith—who considers Hughes (who sadly died at just 59) a heroic mentor of sorts—believe he crossed a dividing line, separating his more credible, personal work from Home Alone‘s unapologetic, physical farce.

Perhaps it’s a case of understanding who the intended target audience is. Siskel & Ebert were hapless as ever in their nineties television coverage, exhibiting a shameless inability—or unwillingness, to transport their middle-aged meat jackets back into mini Gene and wee Rog’s shoes, to view Home Alone as eight-year-old, Kevin McCallister’s fantasy wish fulfillment—a dreamy depiction of a childhood reverie. The slightly scary, fisheye-lensed storm sequence, which eerily resembles a Sam Raimi film, with Kevin hoping to never see his family again hammers this home. We feel mystical forces are at play in order to grant him his desires. This detail in particular reminded me of Sarah in Labyrinth, in the, “be careful what you wish for” sense, as their hasty requests are both, suddenly—on a whim, supernaturally granted, and subsequently turn out to be the last thing the younglings really want. Then, amidst all the remorse and guilt, each character must embark upon an arduous quest—to survive, and eventually learn a valuable lesson about family, and themselves.

Marv takes on the guise of these aged critics when he dismissively blurts out, “He’s a kid. Kids are stupid.” Home Alone is a comment on how boys and girls aren’t stupid—they’re often anything but. As a youngster, it tells you you’re not daft—kids can often outsmart adults. Home Alone is a film where, for the most part, the adults are scatterbrained and infantile, make enormous errors in judgement, are immoral, or flat-out degenerate thieves—but the kids are perceptive and articulate. Yes, they’re little smart alecks, and overly mean here and there— but they’re also creative, resourceful, and funny. It’s a movie that celebrates children—though admittedly, they can be ruthless little monsters. Teaching English in Korea is humbling, and has taught me to be in awe of them. They often work harder than I ever did, and this is one reason why juniors respond to Home Alone, and the adults who grew up watching it, retain such a soft spot. It’s not purely nostalgia, though—we remember, and treasure the films that dealt out positive affirmations when our budding brains were still forming.

I can’t wrap my head around the fact that two of my top three films of all time—Raiders of the Lost Ark, and The Shining, were shot back-to-back—or perhaps simultaneously, on the same sound stages at Elstree. It’s one of those baffling magic tricks that can only happen in cinema. How could it be that geographically, the snake-filled Well of Souls is also the Overlook? It bends my mind every time I think about it; and similarly, I can’t quite comprehend that the 671 Lincoln Avenue interiors aren’t from the same suburban mansion sold to us in the on location establishing shots. I’ve probably seen Home Alone fifty times, but my disbelief is still—to this day, consistently suspended. I believe it’s the house every single time, and not the abandoned New Trier Township High School, where it was in fact filmed. My hat is forever off to John Muto, the production designer. Praising his art direction is crucial, as the whole piece genuinely feels like an all singing, all dancing Christmas card—the way red and green are used, the textures, the warmth, and of course, Julio Macat’s festive cinematography. John Williams’ score is always an indispensable secret weapon, but really the design is paramount in achieving a magic yuletide feel. Out of my top three, go-to Crimbo selections, Die Hard, Gremlins, and Home Alone, it’s certainly the most conventionally Christmassy pick of the bunch. It still jingles those bells, and draws out emotions and memories of Christmases past.

Noel in South Korea is not really a huge deal—although it’s getting there, and even when partners, or the foreigner collective try to make it so, we often fall short. In my mind, when Kevin awakens on December 25th, and it’s softly snowing outside—my, probably idealised memories of how childhood Christmases felt, come flooding back. When I was his age, waking up criminally early, watching my telly until it reached a sensible enough hour to bother my parents, and venture downstairs to open our gifts together. Those picturesque Christmases we may have been fortunate enough to experience as bairns can never be paralleled. In fact, many of us spend our whole lives chasing them, and the closest we can hope to get, is when we start our own families, and watch our weans dig into pressies in our places. I suspect that’s why Home Alone clicks as a key hand-me-down picture that folks in their thirties and forties re-gift—even in other, far-flung countries and cultures. I teach Korean students who are familiar with all these movies—not just the first two superior Macaulay entries, but the entire, done to death Home Alone series.

PS Here’s the official Scarious Artists Merry Christmas, You Filthy Animal drinking game. Any Fullers out there, go easy on the eggnog—the rubber sheets are packed.

I’m Just Crazy ‘Bout This Store!

Intruder (1989)

It’s wacky tobacky time in the attic of the Walnut Lake Market, with Scott Spiegel’s gross-ery store (price) slasher, Intruder—aka Night Crew: The Final Checkout, which marks a dip into the bloody funny pool belonging to Sam&Bruce&Scotty&Ted. Sam Raimi-buddy and early years comrade, Spiegel (co-writer of Evil Dead II) directs the director here, in an innovative, feature version of his Super-8 short, Night Crew—the story and producer credit going to original Tarantino collaborator, Lawrence Bender. Despite the lame tussles, and dumbbell silliness, Intruder’s inventive, OTT kills, keen visual sense, and the fact it’s utterly aware of itself, elevate it beyond the typical, routine amateurism of its ilk.

Spiegel, and DoP, Fernando Argüelles, chuck the kitchen sink at the cinematography, with Dutch angles galore, crash zooms abound, a pervading, ominously voyeuristic atmosphere is achieved, using disorienting perspectives, quirky, creative match cuts from stabbings to watermelon slicings, a shopping trolley cleverly framed like a jail cell, a cracking price gun transition, countless, brilliantly lit and staged reflections, impossible mirror shots, where we puzzlingly don’t glimpse the camera. I admire its unbridled imagination. There’s evidence of an acute directorial eye behind the lens, with Scotty taking the bloody baton from Sam, and running with it like a kid with sharp scissors. To a lesser degree than Dead By Dawn in terms of sheer cinematic execution, but its attention to angles takes the cake, eats it, regurgitates it, then takes it again—with (deep breath) bin-cam, fireplace-cam, hydraulic press-cam, pervert-cam, cash register-cam, mop and bucket-cam, seemingly dead body-cam, and cling film-cam, all leading to an enjoyable game of, “Whose Perspective Is It Anyway?”

Back in ‘89, the director’s cut was illegal in the UK, so make sure you snag the uncut, 88 minute version. It boasts a body count of nine, for those amongst you asking, “How many killin’s?” Like a cringe-inducing cleaver between the fingers, the KNB team is let loose, with some truly disgustingly grisly slayings. So, if you want to witness the infamous “bandsaw lobotomy” with a high-powered meat slicer, a Sting on a magazine cover jump scare—twice, a turn by Renée Estevez—sister to Charlie and Emilio, and daughter of Martin Sheen, Darkman’s Dan Hicks, persistent phantom laundry detergent falling off a shelf, Bruce Campbell and Lawrence Bender as cops, “Gregory” Nicotero as “Townie in Car,” a creative murderer, who neatly re-stacks paper towels, the wunderkind director of The Evil Dead getting hoyed through a Diet Pepsi stand, head-squashing, hook-impaling, eyeball-squishing, goretastic, meaty chunks of torsos and legs in boxes, and a severed hand in a lobster tank, Intruder will oblige.

Death by Stereo

The Lost Boys (1987)

Anyone who’s ever upped and moved to a new town recognises The Lost Boys’ eighties, tropey Karate Kid vibes. I responded immediately to the plight of the Emersons—not because I ever relocated myself as a child, but as I’m from Catterick Village—ten minutes from Catterick Garrison, which remains the biggest army base in the UK, my school friends’ dads would regularly get posted, meaning they were history. I was relieved to have stability—to feel comfortable, but it was always sad to lose friends so often. This was also the first film in my life that induced a nightmare, and without me even seeing the full film. It was merely a trailer, or a clip, which showed the vampiric lads initiating Michael into their flying bloodsucker gang by dangling beneath violently juddering tracks, as an approaching train neared, until the inevitable happened, and their weakening grips faltered, sending them plummeting into a misty abyss—only their voices still carried, undead; alive in the wind. In my dream, I was also hanging from the same rattling rails, and unless I let go in time, would’ve had my fingers severed. Of course, as soon as the rollicking train was overhead, I woke up startled.

I don’t know what planet this is—Planet Schumacher, I suppose, but I don’t care. It’s so compelling to watch, and his liberal use of the fantastical has a welcoming, inviting feel. Yeah, it goes haywire. On one hand, you’ve got Corey Haim singing in the bath, and on the other, Jason Patric, going full, existential Brando, amid a junkie crisis, and it amazingly plays. It’s a remarkably odd fluctuation, and combination of tones, but it works. It turns farcical at the end, but wraps up excitingly with a final, action-packed sequence. The comedy lands, there’s enough at the core, enough subversion, and it’s enough of an update to the vampire subgenre, with a myriad of improvements and additions. Vampires have always had an applicability—they’re a readymade device for exploring the human condition. Although ever-evolving, the vampire lore archetypes are pre-established, and well-known by audiences, so Schumacher could immediately play with them here—the nature of the half vampire, garlic, holy water, crucifixes, transparent reflections, hypnotic abilities, inviting a vampire into your home renders you powerless, regenerative healing, sunlight burns their flesh, the ability to fly, and the bat bit, where the guys are all kipping upside down, hanging from the rafters. It’s a movie that cleverly adopts certain tropes, and discards others.

Is The Lost Boys, in fact, a gay parable? I believe it to, at the very least, contain elements of one. The openly homosexual helmer, Joel Schumacher (Flatliners, Falling Down, Phone Booth), hung a poster of Rob Lowe with his midriff out in Sam’s room, which again, could be some kind of in-joke, or nod, as he was in the director’s previous picture, St. Elmo’s Fire. I don’t want to get too Tarantino in Sleep with Me, with his Top Gun subtext spiel, but it’s all a bit, “Go the gay way,” isn’t it? It’s a forbidden initiation. Michael—with an already established absent father, gets an earring, and a leather jacket, and rides a motorcycle. We don’t have to get into what drinking the blood represents. They’re all male surf-Nazis around the bonfire—not a female in sight, just lustful looks and liquid spurts—like a decadent, fires of hell urge that Michael miraculously manages to resist. He’s essentially watching a gay orgy at that point, and fighting his powerful, preternatural desire to participate. It’s not a battle for Michael’s soul; it’s a battle for his sexuality—it’s David versus Star. The “appetizer” reefer offering in the cave lair is crucial, because if you remove the joint, that particular scene could be interpreted as being covertly about peer pressure and drug or alcohol use, but because the filmmakers included weed, it arguably becomes metaphorical for a sexual initiation. This is right about where Schumacher’s childish, “Goonies go vampire” (sorta) romp turns politically subversive. Theories aside, it’s certainly about our fear of people who, more generally speaking, live outside the mainstream—whether it’s entirely sexuality-based, or broader.

As the World Falls Down

Labyrinth (1986)

Jim Henson’s directorial opus, Labyrinth, when dissected, has the logic of a dream, contained to an adolescent girl’s bedroom—a safe, anxiety nightmare fable, existing solely in her imagination, about friendship, being extremely careful what you wish for, a fear of abandonment, father issues, letting go of life’s expectations, and not allowing trepidations to gain power over you. As the film concludes, it becomes evident everything we witness was plucked from Sarah’s powerful, frustrated female imagination. She conjures up the entire narrative in a desperate attempt to process and understand her predicament—just as each night we process our lives in sleep states. Sarah “should” have a date, but doesn’t, and with Jareth’s entitled vocalisation of her own concerns reverberating through an uncertain teenage mind—”I ask for so little. Just let me rule you, and you can have everything you want. Just fear me, love me, do as I say—and I will be your slave,” who could blame her? Believing that’s what relationships demand, Bowie as Jareth—the snug-jodhpur’d Goblin King, becomes her mental construction, even appearing in Sarah’s scrapbook.

As with many of the Muppet movies, there’s a superb screenplay, which doesn’t pander to younger audiences, and retains a Python panache and delivery, courtesy of Terry Jones. I love the diversity of accents on show—everything from cockney, to Scottish, some even sound Italian, Spanish, and Japanese, others Jamaican. I’ll be damned if someone, or something, doesn’t utter the phrase, “Your mother is a fucking aardvark,” and I’ll die on that profane hill. Amid the fun and games, there are several authentically cinematic moments, including the gravity-defying, Dutch-angled, Escheresque “Within You” sequence, the scary descent into the cavern of the helping hands, the Bog of Eternal Stench’s art and sound design, the truly frightening goblin abduction of baby Toby, the psychedelic, head-tossing Fireys, and Bowie himself—all bulge, owl eyebrows, trademark teeth, and dualtone eyes, performing “Underground,” “Magic Dance,” and my fave—the underrated, “As the World Falls Down.”

Our eighties Alice—the 16-year-old Sarah, takes her life for granted, she chucks bratty tantrums, but her innate kindness wins through. The mention of the “oubliette”—a dungeon to place people, in order to forget about them, becomes an eternally powerful and emotional concept the older we get. As does the line, “Should you need us,” which never fails to move me. Sarah’s loyal companions from her journey are all present in her room—and likely always were. It’s Snow White, The Wizard of Oz, Lewis Carroll, Hans Christian Andersen—an endearing melding of everything fairytale fantasy. Don’t eat Hoggle’s peach; make an annual appointment with the Four Guards, the Door Knockers, the Wiseman, Sir Didymus—a fox-terrier and his loyal canine steed, Ambrosius, Ludo—a benign beast, Hoggle—a fairy-snuffing dwarf in a leather waistcoat, who enjoys plastic jewellery and pissing in ponds, Bowie’s prominent crotch, and indulge in some goblin-kicking, and baby-throwing this All Hallows’ Eve.

Sardine?

The ‘Burbs (1989)

Join me for, “a week in Jonestown,” with The ‘Burbs—which skews us nicely into the unmistakable realm of a real, childhood filmmaking staple of mine, Joe Dante—director of Gremlins, Gremlins 2: The New Batch, and Innerspace. Here, a slightly peculiar-looking Universal logo morphs, as we track in until we’re directly over a neighbourhood—not dissimilar to my own cul-de-sac as a kid, albeit giant-sized and Americana-fied, complete with spinny sprinklers, a mornin’ cuppa Joe, and a paperboy straight out of the ‘80s computer game. Already, the film’s lofty statements on comfort and country are steadily unfurling. The clinking and clanking of the score accompanies the continuing push-in to a fantastic miniature, as a harpsichord plays, and a basement ignites with light, as we’re introduced to our man of the hour, and hero of the piece—Tom Hanks’ pajama-clad, Ray Peterson. Yes, Mr. Peterson makes fun of hydrocephalus sufferers, and impulsively chucks coffee at kids, but he’s a decent man—he just wants to hang around the house and be lazy.

The zany, whacked-out Dante tone mostly consists of a blend of heightened slapstick, or jet black humour, light moments of clever comedy, along with elaborate action scenes, and horror-inspired surrealism, such as Ray’s freaky ‘burbsmare—featuring cannibals, and a satanic, Idi Amin BBQ, dream sacrifice with a chainsaw. Clearly inspired by vintage animation, Art’s body-shaped hole in the shed roof, is straight out of Roadrunner—fitting, as Dante would go on to make Looney Tunes: Back in Action in 2003. The ‘Burbs‘ use of classic horror tropes and homages, such as The Exorcist, and Leatherface on the TV, the crooked porch swing that’s straight outta The Texas Chain Saw Massacre, or The Evil Dead, owls hoot, ominous clonks resound, and echoes of The Addams Family, and The Munsters are loud and clear, and The Klopek’s interior uses canted framing—the Dutch, to articulate that something’s off, as Ray and Art do their breaking and and entering bit. This isn’t really a shock from the director of Piranha, and The Howling, but what’s magnificent about Dante is his seamless blending of disparate qualities to communicate his unique vision, and retain the levity of the picture. He shepherds this Dante mood with flair and poise, and manages to maintain his distinct voice. It’s enviable—to take material like this, carve out a personal perspective, and never let it overpower the story—just compliment, and flavour it. Dante’s awareness of cinema in general means we feel as if we’re in safe, knowledgeable hands. He’s a filmmaker who has studied movies, and therefore knows when to hit us with the clichés, and when to veer away for maximum surprise, and satisfaction. The spaghetti western reference, where he tracks in on Queenie the dog, says it all, and reminds us exactly where he stands. It’s all for fun—film-literate fun. 

The ensemble is a dream. First and foremost, as obvious as it may be to state, one of my absolute favourite actors of all-time is Tom Hanks. His mile-a-minute mind, and exasperation expressed with faux-yelling, an erratic crushing of beer cans, and hysterically yelping like Woody in Toy Story. Hanks emerging from the Klopek’s nightmare inferno house like a half-destroyed T-800 is always hilarious, as are his pitch-perfect, cacophonous, sardine allergy sneezes. Actor and comedian, Rick Ducommun, as Art Weingardner, is no doubt an acquired taste—but in small doses, as seen here, he’s actually excellently cast. Nutty, crotchety veteran war machine, Mr. Rumsfield (Bruce Dern), has the coolest title credit bestowed upon him, and the foxy Wendy Schaal as the scantily-clad, no-tanlined, Mrs. Rumsfield charms as per. Carrie Fisher is more than welcome as Carol Peterson—in a decent, kinda maternal role, as Ray’s put upon wife, sick of his nosiness and unhealthy obsessions with the batty neighbours, which she pairs marvellously with a cool detachment, and simultaneous understanding. Finally, Corey Feldman dials in one of his better performances as Ricky—a chirpy, chipper, stoner dude, who relishes in the ensuing suburban drama, loves his street, and boasts it’s better than television.

The Klopeks represent everyone we ever wondered about. Have you ever hypothesised about someone’s nocturnal habits? Are they unusual, or are we? Are we the lunatics? There’s a profound statement in there—it just takes one nosy parker to start the fire of paranoia, then it spreads via fear. Fear of foreigners, and new residents in the cul-de-sac, and a crippling fear of differences, and standing out in any way at all. Then finally, just when you thought it was safe, The ‘Burbs’ death rattle wrap-up ultimately echoes Kurt Cobain—via Catch-22’s rich sentiment of, “Just because you’re paranoid, doesn’t mean they’re not after you.”

You Only Moved the Headstones!

Poltergeist (1982)

With any luck, this one will have you cowering under your Star Wars bed sheets. Another film seen too young—Tobe Hooper’s ghost-directed (or was it?) suburban disaster sees the Freeling family terrorised by entities, after moving into a new residence, you guessed it—situated on an ancient, American Indian burial ground. Something’s bending the cutlery and it ain’t Uri Geller—actually, that may have been worse. Cue eerie whispers, swirling room furniture, doors opening and closing on their own, tables arranging themselves, chairs gliding across kitchen floors—then before long, gigantic black twisters, a clutching tree kidnapping, and a creepy clown bed attack. Dad, Steve (Craig T. Nelson)—whose property development company, Cuesta Verde Estates, built the houses—evidently oblivious to the fact that profiting from something that does not belong to you may result in supernatural karma of the highest order—and mum, Diane (JoBeth Williams) are the pot-smoking Reaganite parents. Is Poltergeist anti-American? It’s certainly a tale of greed, and sacrilegious disrespect. Horror has utilised the trope—now cliché, of Native American vengeance to death—most notably here, and also in Stanley Kubrick’s The Shining. Granted, it’s played out now, but looking back, it was revealing a country’s guilt, and a desire to process—punish itself perhaps, for the nation’s sins of the past. I’m certain the “Star-Spangled Banner” outset is no accident. Nor is the (room) 2:37 TV clock time, which, again, connects Poltergeist to Kubrick’s tackling of the Native American genocide via ghost-revenge in his picture, just two years previous. While we’re addressing influences, I noticed some stolen techniques—namely the spinning gimbal room à la A Nightmare on Elm Street, and the suggestive, Exorcist-style shirt-lifting violation. Conversely, Poltergeist also evidently paved the way for, and influenced Sam Raimi’s supernatural sequel, Evil Dead 2: Dead by Dawn—with Diane’s traumatic streak of grey Ash hair, the “apple head,” a house demolishing itself, a room-sucking vortex, and the crossover involvement of effects maestro, Mark Shostrom.

Poltergeist, aka A Nightmare on E.T.’s Street (soz), was notoriously nerve-racking—an infamous film, in fact, for me as a child, and happened to be released on the year of my birth. It made TV static scary, and was another cinematographic mood-setter I pinched for my short, The Self-Seers. Poltergeist is arguably too talky, a tad slow, and drags in the middle—whilst a certain cherubic character remains lost in limbo, waiting to go into the light without a guide, the movie sadly does the same. However, stand out scenes include majestic, matte painting storm fronts, impossible corridor trombone shots, wee hobgoblina, Tangina Barrons (Zelda Rubinstein) adds a new dimension 😉 and brings a real, memorable presence 😉 to the picture, Predator madman, Sonny Landham, appears as a pervy pool worker, the excess of the muddy swimming pool corpse-skeleton scares, and the bit where the Spielbeard doppelgänger pulls his own face-meat off to reveal the skull beneath.

Spielberg’s story, screenplay, and producing roles—plus the fact his visual style is prevalent throughout—the familiar, E.T.-tinged, grand scale, Hollywood gloss of Poltergeist‘s BMX paperboy suburbia, the Kate Capshaw-esque mum, the Raiders-style TV people, and Spielberg regular, Michael Kahn, on editing duties, didn’t help rumours of Spielbergian aid—and even alleged “interference.” So, did a clause in the beard’s Extra Terrestrial contract prevent him from making another movie while in pre-production? Was it just a Steven Spielberg production—or perhaps more? Was Hooper left to his own very capable devices, or did Steven call the shots? These directorial step-in claims have been dismissed by big Tobe Hooper guy, Mick Garris, but more-or-less confirmed by one of Poltergeist‘s actual crew members, John Leonetti—director of 2014’s Annabelle. Loath as I am to print and propagate the myth, it’s clearly still a point of contention—believed by some, dismissed by just as many. Whatever the truth may be, when we factor in this auteur speculation, Poltergeist becomes a far more interesting piece to analyse.