The Jim Commandments

Terminator 2: Judgment Day (1991)

Discounting Piranha II: The Spawning—from which James Cameron claims to have been sacked, in a shrewd attempt to distance himself from, and disown it—and his underwater documentary work, he’s only actually directed eight films, and for me, only three are worth your precious time: The Terminator, Aliens, and Terminator 2: Judgment Day. It’s an underestimation, and plain insulting to say they’re merely worth your time, though—they’re nothing short of some of the most iconic, pop culture-defining movies ever produced.

The quality of this era—Jim’s finest work, only muddles matters in terms of his hit-and-miss filmography. T2 is peak Cameron—pre-king of the world, but undisputed, reigning king of the hi-tech, best sequels ever. What on earth happened? At a glance, even in 2023, it appears this is still his modus operandi, and remains his major preoccupation—he’s still unequivocally a top flight filmmaker, but there are levels, especially when you’re the bloke behind the might of Judgment Day. Is anyone in their right mind weighing the validity and credibility of T2 against something like Avatar: The Way of Water? Perhaps after a filmmaker births a picture as strong as Terminator 2, there’s really nowhere left for them to go. Plumb the depths of the ocean instead, perhaps, in search of new treasures and life distractions? Granted, T2 was also an unadulterated popcorn action movie, but it simultaneously housed such deep, disturbing themes, and disappointingly, now represents the last bastion of the old Cameron; the Jim with a nasty, sullen edge—an edge sadly left behind, never to return. ’84-’91 was his capsule of greatness, neatly bookended by his original two Schwarzenegger-starring Terminator entries. Some might say the signs were always there, with Jim having a keen eye for flashy effects dating way back to the Battle Beyond the Stars Corman days, and throughout his early filmography, but in 1996, T2 3-D: Battle Across Time—an immersive attraction ride at Universal Studios, represented a switch; the first step towards shallow, gimmicky engagements, and away from authentic, story and character-driven films.

Cameron never made another film as solidly dark and dense as Terminator 2, but credit where it’s due, T2 was a technical cinematic accomplishment beyond all others, and has aged like a fine wine. Although I don’t care for the crowbarred-in, wannabe Bond action, flamboyant misogyny, and desperately infantile humour of True Lies, it was really 1997’s self-serving vanity project, Titanic and his deep sea diving doc horseshit like Ghosts of the Abyss, and Aliens of the Deep, when his pictures weakened and waned. Compared to Judgment Day, his Avatar sequels are, and will continue to be, a fuck off; a waste of time. To me, they’re blatantly ego-inflating, cynically designed, money making ventures, and nothing more.

Naturally, mature work tends to emerge towards the completion of a career. Most directors are comparatively grown-up as they enter their late sixties. Jim should be knee-deep in thematic concerns by now. Instead, he’s regressed beyond hope, and it was such a shame to witness a preeminent director, visionary, and one of my all-time filmmaking heroes get so lost in his own extravagant nonsense. Admittedly, he’s a lesser offender than the Marvel and DC lot (not you, Nolan)—mostly due to having so much in the bank with film-goers. Cameron has nevertheless become the cinematic embodiment of out of touch infantilism at a time when he should be maturing as an artist, and spearheading modern storytelling by tapping back into the ballsiness of his Rambo: First Blood Part II, Point Break, and Strange Days script contributions, and skewing films back into Aliens and T2-toned adult territory (not like that—sex scenes are hardly Jim’s strong suit), and not megalomaniacal, worldbuilding pissing contests, George Lucas worship, and Peter Jackson mimicry.

Where were Cameron’s peers at 68? Sir Ridley was readying American Gangster, Spielberg—with Bridge of Spies and The BFG, had one foot in a commercial camp, and the other in more fully fledged, contemplative work, as he has done so cleverly throughout his career with side-by-side productions like Schindler’s List and Jurassic Park in ’93, and later on, Munich and War of the Worlds. Scorsese also mixed maturity with a youthful sensibility as he simultaneously made Shutter Island and Hugo at that age. What was another seemingly weary genius, Stanley Kubrick, filling his dwindling days with? Eyes Wide Shut (he’d be dead just two years later, aged 70—there’s a lesson for Jim: time is short, directing films is a privilege not owed to many, and as ten films max, Quentin Tarantino, often preaches—every film in your filmography counts). Cameron could make literally anything—look at Coppola’s current self-funded magnum opus, Megalopolis. Instead, we get five Avatars. It’s evidence of a businessman, not an artist. It remains to be seen if the entire Avatar series pays off commercially—never doubt Cameron when it comes to dollars, but it’s sad—mournful, really, to witness such an artistic decline. Put the Marvel-minded child’s play down—enough with the blue people, let’s get serious again; aim higher. But I don’t think Jim’s capable of it. He’s been characteristically frank on the recent Avatar: The Way of Water press tour, confessing he’s making movies to fund his extracurricular activities, and it shows. 

Take T2’s creepy, cheek-licking orderly, Dougie—it’s all beyond disturbing. I mean, if that’s what he’s up to, what else is he tonguing when the patients are sedated? As unsettling and icky as that fleeting moment is, it’s here; it’s included, and I don’t believe that part of Cameron exists anymore. Age, diminishing testosterone levels, and to a degree, boredom with the medium, have stamped it out. Consider Sarah’s attempted assassination of Miles Dyson, where she obliterates half the house with automatic machine gun fire, strides in fearlessly in a tactical vest, clutching a handgun—Dyson crying, bleeding on the floor—his petrified family pleading for their lives; for her mercy. She cryptically threatens, “I’m not gonna let you do it,” before collapsing into a heap—everyone in floods of tears. Put that in your FernGully smurf sequel, Jimbo.

Soon came the shoddy Terminator sequels, and who’s there to sign off on ’em all? To convince fans they’re canon? To promote the tat for kickbacks, and backend in his back pocket to fund more ostentatious journeys 20,000 leagues under the sea? Ol’ J.C.—appropriate for a chap with a messiah complex. One thing I despise about the relentlessness of poor sequels is that they have the potential to undo the importance of the events depicted in the original.

The grandest insult in these phony follow-ons, and the most insulting in terms of the desecration of the plight of the Connors, is 2019’s Terminator: Dark Fate, in which the two Cameron entries are jiggered with so badly, the events of The Terminator and Terminator 2 end up cheapened and diminished by unarguably inferior installments. Without doubt, Terminator 3: Rise of the Machines, Terminator Salvation, and Terminator Genisys, were varying levels of abysmal; misjudgment days, if you will—but main offender, Dark Fate marked a new low; a personal insult to anyone with a modicum of investment in Jim’s duo. I want to see human beings—not computer renderings of exhumed actors, long since bloated and wrinkled. The arcs of these characters are complete. Don’t be digging up their graves, just to crudely and disrespectfully whack John Connor in the first five minutes, in what resembles a dreadful, video game cut scene. I couldn’t even stomach the forged, yet relatively subtle, execution of The Irishman‘s de-aging methods, so Dark Fate was always going to fall short in my eyes.

Subsequent faffing persisted, and it’s obvious to anyone with eyes, and a brain in their head, that all that messing devalues movies—potentially irreparably. I truly believe even the greatest, most iconic work can be diminished—even undone, if the culprits’ intentions are impure and incompetent enough. Talk about The Phantom Menace ruining childhoods—you’re telling me everything in The Terminator was for naught? The events of T2 were ultimately pointless? I refuse. It’s the retroactive destruction of those key Sarah and John story arcs, and for what? A piece of shit money-spinner like Dark Fate. The story is over; the tale has been told. There’s nothing else to it. It’s zero integrity on the part of the rights-holders—a shameless desire to make a few bucks, and Cameron’s involvement in the marketing and advertising of these bastard children is reprehensible. Let’s face it, we can no longer believe a single word that falls from his mouth. I have zero interest in the Terminator franchise *bleugh* beyond Judgment Day. I’ve seen them all, but they’re one watch wonders; they’re Kingdom of the Crystal Skull levels of I don’t care. To me, they simply should not, and therefore do not exist. Indiana Jones and the Last Crusade was his last crusade (clue’s in the title, people), Judgment Day is the final Terminator film, and to me, forever will be.


The Jim Commandments

Judgment Day is a box-ticking bonanza in terms of “The Jim Commandments”—a (lightly plagiarised, but fairly definitive) method of checklisting the key rules of superlative sequels.

  • Should feel familiar, yet original
  • Identify what worked, and build on it
  • Up the stakes
  • Play to and with audience expectations
  • Give the audience something new—”If it ain’t broke, don’t fix it” is the enemy of sequels
  • Continue the story; don’t just repeat the original in a new location, e.g. Speed 2: Cruise Control
  • Provide a satisfying twist on the original premise, e.g. good Arnold in T2
  • Skew the same character/s and premise into a new design principle/genre, e.g. Cameron turning Alien‘s suspenseful art-horror into a sci-fi action combat film with Aliens
  • Retain a logical, believable continuation of the characters’ stories—resist falling into the trap of increasingly preposterous leaps in logic to keep them in the same far-fetched situation as previously explored, e.g. Jaws: The Revenge
  • Ask a question the audience didn’t think to ask, but now must know the answer to
  • Deepen our understanding of, and evolve the lead character by thrusting them into new challenges, and presenting new obstacles to overcome—characters from the original should grow, develop, and show change
  • Through line protagonist returns with the same desire but a different need—a reason to survive beyond survival itself, e.g. Sarah Connor protecting John/Ripley protecting Newt—a selfless, maternal duty becomes paramount
  • Add new, memorable characters, e.g. Connery in Last Crusade, or a superior villain, e.g. Ledger in Dark Knight—intensify the antagonist
  • Should also function as a stand alone film—self-contained, coherent in isolation, and so strong, that you could skip the first film entirely
  • More, more, more—a more relentless rapid pace; more elaborate, give audience more of what worked the first time around, but bigger—darker, funnier, more complex, a deeper emotional focus

T2 is to The Terminator what Sam Raimi’s Evil Dead II is to 1981’s The Evil Dead—a bigger, brasher redo. It’s effective because it articulates everything the original did, but more definitively. Whether it’s Sarah and Kyle ducking and weaving through the factory’s hydraulic presses and moving machines in the original, mirrored entirely in the climactic steel mill of T2, or the nighttime highway truck pursuit in each film—be it a truck driver or a gardening van fella who witnesses Arnie’s metallic visage—I suppose we can add him to the list of future 4chan “conspiracy nuts” who saw a cyborg that evening, along with all those Cyberdyne first responder cops the T-800 kneecapped, who would surely all have Infowars-esque YouTube channels by now. 1984’s The Terminator is more of a bleak, hopeless, sci-fi horror (or “tech-noir” as Jim coined it), and the follow-up is predominantly a sci-fi actioner, albeit with its own nightmarish flair. It’s revealing that I never hesitated to watch the second film as a kid, but the original made me pause for thought. The Terminator scared me to a degree where I would actively think, “I’ll watch The Terminator and frighten myself.” I’d take in T2 with my parents and younger sister around, but not the first film. Perhaps it was the intense, gorier aspects—the eye removal, Linda Hamilton’s slo-mo cupped boobs, and the Slider Walkman sex.

Countless critics chimed in on Terminator 2’s fatality-averting gunfire, with Arnold ditching prior bloodthirsty excess—against his own wishes, if Cameron’s T2 audio commentary recollections are to be believed. Schwarzenegger was initially hesitant about the castrating lack of on screen murderous acts on the part of his star-making Terminator character, and the script-flip substituting his killer robot for a protective goodie. Was it all a hangover from John McTiernan’s late ’80s Predator and Die Hard mentality, where shooting at nothing was the latest insurgent intellectual trend—a smart subversion of the ludicrous body counts and irresponsible, throwaway cartoon violence of Commando, Rambo III and the like? In Terminator 2, Jim and Arnold even let “Old Painless” (the preposterously powerful minigun from Predator) out of the bag for more rip-roaring carnage. Are they all reading from the same hymn sheet? This would strike me as peculiar, as Cameron was responsible, along with Stallone, for scripting Rambo: First Blood Part II. Sly’s bullet festival excess would also provoke Kubrick into producing his anti-war answer to screen depictions of combat, Full Metal Jacket.

Brad Fiedel’s score does a ton of heavy lifting in terms of the emotional resonance. The hyper-futuristic clanking, and violent, barbed militaristic marching of “Tanker Chase” alone may be suspenseful enough to induce night sweats. Equally robotically rattlesome, percussive, and shimmeringly intense—the pulsing drone; that hum, the rhythmic handgun fire, metallic shrieks of knives and stabbing weapons scattered throughout, all underline the menace. Even when off screen, the liquid metal T-1000 is forever present in the music and sound design—always lurking, mirroring the antagonist’s relentless pursuit of John. Coupled with perhaps the best movie sound mix I’ve ever heard, the images, sound design, and score, are forever interlocked and inseparable in a way that only the magic of cinema can accomplish.

T2’s almost seamless, 2023-topping integration of digital effects is a masterclass—alongside other CG-pioneering pictures of the era, such as Spielberg’s original Jurassic Park, still staggeringly stand up today. Sadly, contempt for the audience seems to have replaced Industrial Light & Magic’s humble desire to convince us, and most importantly, themselves, that digital could cut the mustard, and transport viewers into the story as effectively as stop-motion, animatronics, miniatures, and prosthetic makeup previously had. Concern over whether digital could replace practical has now vanished altogether—to an unhealthy degree, and contemporary audiences are being cheated with subpar scraps from the computer graphics artist’s table as the industry norm.

Here, Jim gives himself license to be badass—with the T-800—a cyborg cloaked in flesh, peeling away on the Harley-Davidson Fat Boy, with George Thorogood & The Destroyers’ “Bad to the Bone” cranked all the way up to eleven, on an L.A. highway at night. That is cinema. It’s the gold standard—the action movie by which all others are measured—and unfortunately for them all, it’s yet to be equaled. It’s cinema perfection—total escapist action with a propulsive, infinitely rewatchable, terrifying and entertaining story.

The only action adventure film in danger of topping T2, in terms of daisy-chained, breathless set pieces, is Raiders of the Lost Ark. Each of these two films boast three, extended stunt sequences in a row that are all absolute knockouts. In Raiders it’s the Well of Souls sequence, with Indy and Marian smashing the massive column through the stone wall to escape the darkening, serpent-filled tomb. Then Indy fistfights the hefty Nazi mechanic, followed directly by the whole plane explosion stunt. Before we can relax, he’s on horseback in pursuit of the ark, which evolves into the iconic truck chase, and it’s all underscored evocatively with John Williams’ classic cues.

In Judgment Day, it’s the Cyberdyne escape—a worthy minigun show unto itself, followed by the police truck vs. helicopter highway chase, and it’s all practical. These sequences aren’t about morphing CGI—they’re really wrecking helicopters; they’re really flipping a truck with 1,000 squibs detonating in its roof. Even as a boy, I understood this stacking of set pieces was something special because not only was it thrill after thrill after thrill, the hits felt real, the bullets were ricocheting violently with genuine danger and visual consequence. It was Die Hard levels of aerial chopper photography, but dare I say, piloted even better. Where could Cameron go from there? Where could he possibly take us next? Into the molten lead foundry, which miraculously, despite its contrivances and convenience in terms of the melty antagonist, doesn’t feel tagged on, or underwhelming, after the non-stop action preceding it. It’s character-based, and instead, goes under the death-defying stunts to resolve the story with performance, emotion and heart.

Bold statement time. Judgment Day’s three, core action sequences have never been equaled—and they’re back-to-back, with no let up; no time to take a breath, just balls to the wall, practical action. Yes, True Lies arguably goes bigger, and yes, the vehicular choreography of the bridge sequence is visually impressive and practically achieved, but it can never get near T2—not even close. Perhaps it’s superior to Raiders, perhaps not. Whichever film we side with, an argument can certainly be made for T2 being the pinnacle, as it’s aged so gracefully, and bafflingly still looks like it was made yesterday. It’s a miracle of sci-fi action filmmaking—all filmmaking, really. I don’t know anyone who doesn’t adore it. This is the ideal tone—nailed absolutely perfectly, with an ending so beautifully pitched, and adeptly handled—heartfelt and moving without straying into Cameron’s latter career saccharine melodrama. Humanity, story, and old-fashioned actors just acting; doing their thing, will outweigh business-minded, surface action, and forced franchise filmmaking every time, and Cameron knows it—or at least he did.

Merry Christmas, Ya Filthy Animal

Home Alone (1990)

Home Alone is not for everyone. As much as my dad laughs at Gerald G. Bamman’s indelible portrayal of the miserly Uncle Frank, I’m certain it’s not entirely his cup of tea—though I do cherish the memory of him taking me to see Home Alone 2: Lost in New York at the old ABC Cinema in Darlington way back in 1992, when I was just 10. I grasp why Kevin‘s petulant screaming—stinging his baby face with aftershave, dashing about with arms a-flailin’, forever smugly addressing himself, and breaking the fourth wall grates on some—particularly when juxtaposed with writer/producer, John Hughes’ shade-darker, mostly directorial, teen angst efforts, The Breakfast Club, Pretty in Pink, and Career Opportunities. Even the broadly comedic, Planes, Trains & Automobiles, The Great Outdoors, and Uncle Buck are arguably a notch higher on the black humour scale. Home Alone’s Three Stooges-esque slapstick is more akin to elements of the National Lampoon’s Vacation series, or the visual gag-heavy, Baby’s Day Out, and is perhaps an acquired taste. In spite of Home Alone‘s Simpsons-esque, dual-layered, grown-ups and nippers-appeasing approach, filmmakers such as Kevin Smith—who considers Hughes (who sadly died at just 59) a heroic mentor of sorts—believe he crossed a dividing line, separating his more credible, personal work from Home Alone‘s unapologetic, physical farce.

Perhaps it’s a case of understanding who the intended target audience is. Siskel & Ebert were hapless as ever in their nineties television coverage, exhibiting a shameless inability—or unwillingness, to transport their middle-aged meat jackets back into mini Gene and wee Rog’s shoes, to view Home Alone as eight-year-old, Kevin McCallister’s fantasy wish fulfillment—a dreamy depiction of a childhood reverie. The slightly scary, fisheye-lensed storm sequence, which eerily resembles a Sam Raimi film, with Kevin hoping to never see his family again hammers this home. We feel mystical forces are at play in order to grant him his desires. This detail in particular reminded me of Sarah in Labyrinth, in the, “be careful what you wish for” sense, as their hasty requests are both, suddenly—on a whim, supernaturally granted, and subsequently turn out to be the last thing the younglings really want. Then, amidst all the remorse and guilt, each character must embark upon an arduous quest—to survive, and eventually learn a valuable lesson about family, and themselves.

Marv takes on the guise of these aged critics when he dismissively blurts out, “He’s a kid. Kids are stupid.” Home Alone is a comment on how boys and girls aren’t stupid—they’re often anything but. As a youngster, it tells you you’re not daft—kids can often outsmart adults. Home Alone is a film where, for the most part, the adults are scatterbrained and infantile, make enormous errors in judgement, are immoral, or flat-out degenerate thieves—but the kids are perceptive and articulate. Yes, they’re little smart alecks, and overly mean here and there— but they’re also creative, resourceful, and funny. It’s a movie that celebrates children—though admittedly, they can be ruthless little monsters. Teaching English in Korea is humbling, and has taught me to be in awe of them. They often work harder than I ever did, and this is one reason why juniors respond to Home Alone, and the adults who grew up watching it, retain such a soft spot. It’s not purely nostalgia, though—we remember, and treasure the films that dealt out positive affirmations when our budding brains were still forming.

I can’t wrap my head around the fact that two of my top three films of all time—Raiders of the Lost Ark, and The Shining, were shot back-to-back—or perhaps simultaneously, on the same sound stages at Elstree. It’s one of those baffling magic tricks that can only happen in cinema. How could it be that geographically, the snake-filled Well of Souls is also the Overlook? It bends my mind every time I think about it; and similarly, I can’t quite comprehend that the 671 Lincoln Avenue interiors aren’t from the same suburban mansion sold to us in the on location establishing shots. I’ve probably seen Home Alone fifty times, but my disbelief is still—to this day, consistently suspended. I believe it’s the house every single time, and not the abandoned New Trier Township High School, where it was in fact filmed. My hat is forever off to John Muto, the production designer. Praising his art direction is crucial, as the whole piece genuinely feels like an all singing, all dancing Christmas card—the way red and green are used, the textures, the warmth, and of course, Julio Macat’s festive cinematography. John Williams’ score is always an indispensable secret weapon, but really the design is paramount in achieving a magic yuletide feel. Out of my top three, go-to Crimbo selections, Die Hard, Gremlins, and Home Alone, it’s certainly the most conventionally Christmassy pick of the bunch. It still jingles those bells, and draws out emotions and memories of Christmases past.

Noel in South Korea is not really a huge deal—although it’s getting there, and even when partners, or the foreigner collective try to make it so, we often fall short. In my mind, when Kevin awakens on December 25th, and it’s softly snowing outside—my, probably idealised memories of how childhood Christmases felt, come flooding back. When I was his age, waking up criminally early, watching my telly until it reached a sensible enough hour to bother my parents, and venture downstairs to open our gifts together. Those picturesque Christmases we may have been fortunate enough to experience as bairns can never be paralleled. In fact, many of us spend our whole lives chasing them, and the closest we can hope to get, is when we start our own families, and watch our weans dig into pressies in our places. I suspect that’s why Home Alone clicks as a key hand-me-down picture that folks in their thirties and forties re-gift—even in other, far-flung countries and cultures. I teach Korean students who are familiar with all these movies—not just the first two superior Macaulay entries, but the entire, done to death Home Alone series.

PS Here’s the official Scarious Artists Merry Christmas, You Filthy Animal drinking game. Any Fullers out there, go easy on the eggnog—the rubber sheets are packed.

Toys are Loyal, and That’s a Fact

Dolls (1987)

The very first word yelled in this film is, “Wankers!” by a pair of ropey, hitchhiking, cockney punk rocker girls. Need more? The mythology of Dolls—Stuart Gordon’s Hansel and Gretel-homaging, killer-Toy Story, haunted house horror show—is simple. Random strangers get conveniently stuck in the mud in the middle of nowhere, and must seek solace in a toy maker’s mysterious mansion, where they are typically murdered horribly, and promptly transformed into bad dollies. Here, a storm forces a bickering, fractured family to join the elderly, kindly, marionette-mad Gabriel, and his witchy wife, who lend a seemingly caring hand. Buggering around the mansion quickly becomes a slasher spectacular, with our gang getting cut up left, right, and centre by knife-wielding, bitey, stop-motion puppets that hit you with hammers, saw off your arms, gladly stab you in the back, and will merrily hacksaw your feet right off. Viewed from the perspective of Judy—a periodically daydreaming child, Dolls excels at establishing a schlocky, comedic tone, with some seriously eerie effects, and then cleverly juxtaposes it with savagely violent, blood-spattered death scenes—clashing ’em together with childlike wonder, and a playfully mischievous singsong spirit. Stephen Lee is an actor who resembles a chubbier Sean Astin, who I knew solely as Duffy—the bent copper from RoboCop 2, who gets his mush smashed repeatedly into some arcade game screens. Here, he plays the childlike, good Samaritan, Ralph.

Perhaps the crowning achievement of Dolls is that its nasty offings are so ferocious, wicked, and ingeniously well-designed and executed—almost too well for a film that features a fantasy werebear mauling. There’s a mean, rich stepmother, skeletal, melting, pixie-goblins, a chatty, bite-happy, power tool wielding Mr. Punch—who suffers his own American Werewolf in London meets Nicolas Roeg’s The Witches metamorphosis, executioner elves, sinister playthings with spiky, Barbarella teeth’d mouths that curl up and across menacingly, and somebody blown to bits by a merciless firing squad of toy soldiers. The most haunting image is perhaps Isabel, who, after being turned into a porcelain-headed doll-woman, must collect her own eyeballs from a pool of blood.

Prepare for the longest night in the world—and also one of the shortest features. The most appealing quality of Dolls, initially anyway, and aside from already digging the director and synopsis, was its snappy, 77-minute running time. It’s a beautifully brief film, that proves a straightforward, grotesque fairy tale can be told on film in under 80 minutes, in an extremely satisfyingly manner. In fact, why aren’t all movies this length? Except Terminator 2—that’s exactly right.

What Kind of Plumage is This?

Twins of Evil (1971)

Twins of Evil, or Twins of Dracula, was initially released in the USA alongside Hands of the Ripper as a double feature, and was without doubt, the most substantial box-ticker amongst my initial journey into Hammer horror. I unintentionally completed “the Karnstein Trilogy,” purely by accident—or more honestly, by seeking out the most explicit of the saucy ’70s entries—and apart from the tedious Countess Dracula, I wasn’t disappointed. Twins of Evil has a relatively modern feel, it’s easily accessible as an entry-level Hammer picture; the ideal “in,” for newcomers, and currently reigns as my absolute favourite of the bunch. It’s brief, sexy, and the Kensington Gore flows a bit freer.

The low-lying, woodland mist—both on location, and in the atmospherics of its Pinewood sets, screams Hammer. Director, John Hough (Dirty Mary, Crazy LarryEscape to Witch Mountain) knows precisely how to invigorate a scene, and not only boasts a fine eye for a shot, but also an impeccable taste in alluring actresses. The staging, blocking, coverage, and evocative, European, emotionally-motivated camera moves, are ahead of anything I’ve seen so far in the Hammer canon. Fiery, incandescent imagery, and precision photography, sumptuously lit by dictatorial DoP, Dick Bush—the lighting cameraman later fired from Aliens by Jim Cameron for chucking his weight about behind the lens, and failing to keep the xenomorphs hidden deep in the shadows. Here, Hough employs a crash zoom here and there, and even ends the film with an almost imperceptibly subtle contrazoom—I think.

Along with the previous year’s The Vampire Lovers, two instances of (partially obscured) full frontal nudity here, help mark the moment Hammer went starkers. Damien Thomas portrays the petulant, perpetually discontent, Jimmy Fallon lookalike lothario, Count Karnstein, and Peter Cushing is a baddie—which I tend to prefer—as misplaced masculinity magnet, Gustav Vile—a presumably impotent, or plain repressed, religious, God-fearing puritan, terrified by femininity to the degree that his nightly excursions predominantly feature the burning of women who don’t take a husband, and are therefore dark arts-dabbling, satanic witches—outright exclaiming, “What kind of plumage is this?” when confronted with the unashamed, borderline bare-chested, parading female forms of softcore sauce pots, Mary and Madeleine Collinson—the first identical twin Playboy playmates, who previously played together in the 1969 British sex comedy, Some Like It Sexy—in their frequently nip-slipping nighties. This dynamic fuels a reactionaries versus plunging necklines, religious repression versus a zeitgeisty, girls will be girls, female lib bent. Keep your pervy eyes peeled for an audacious and hilarious, glaringly symbolic hand gesture, with a lady wax-grasping, and stroking the shaft of a sizeable candle during a love scene.

One, Two, Freddy’s Coming for You

A Nightmare on Elm Street (1984)

One of the most perceptive, visceral, and accessible horror premises ever conceived—so much so, that I shamelessly ripped it off for my recent, collective unconscious, sleep death in suburbia short, The Self-Seers, in which Korean kids are tormented in their dreams by a shadowy, malevolent version of themselves. Both films, I’d argue, serve as metaphors for burgeoning adolescence and its myriad, inescapable pressures. Angsty youth themes such as the sins of the elders being visited upon the children, and most importantly, teenagers going through something their parents just don’t understand—and absolutely cannot help with, are certainly present. Here, highschooler Nancy Thompson, her kinda boyfriend Glen, and their two buddies, Tina, and horny jerk, Rod, are the juveniles accosted in their slumber by the same disfigured, fedora-hatted, finger-knife brandishing, omnipresent dream-ghoul, Fred Krueger.

Key visuals like the wall stretching inwards above Nancy’s bed have aged like a fine wine, a suggestive, between the thighs bath sequence featuring the 15-year-old tested the waters of acceptability, and Rod‘s chuckle-worthy tighty-whities nosedive aside; Craven’s imaginative revolving room conceit is still a horrifying, mind-bending sight to behold. On the other (clawed) hand, there are caveats—somewhat of a cacophonous, overkill ‘80s score with no real restraint plays as dated, Krueger’s ludicrously long arms plus other unintentionally farcical moments where he’s stumbling over patio furniture, being impeded by trash cans, his ham and cheese reactions to booby trap explosives, and that hokey, fat-Freddy stunt burn suit. However, Craven’s haphazard deployment of humour and abandonment of true terror becomes a crucial element of Elm Street’s slasher tone. It’s a movie in which a tongue was consciously designed to lick out of a telephone receiver and perversely frighten a young girl, so moaning about the baddie having large limbs seems somewhat misguided.

Back in 1984, Freddy still had enough mystique to be simultaneously cool and frightening. Although his puerile, gross out scare tactics, and coarse, lecherous wisecracks are on show here, the subsequent sequels in the series, including personal fave, A Nightmare on Elm Street 3: Dream Warriors, would mine this aspect further, and take it to absurdly creative extremes. The original may not have reached the franchise’s peak in terms of ingenious imagery—with its increasingly elaborate, atmospheric dream scenes, but it remains somewhat grounded in the sense that it establishes the rules of the Elm Street mythos. Prior to Freddy follow-up fatigue, and his total demystification—which saw him transform into more of a pop culture invading jester, as opposed to the paedophilic, child-killer Krueger was established as here—A Nightmare on Elm Street served, and will forever stand, as the initial feature marking the arrival of one of cinema’s most iconic and enduring antagonists.

I’m Just Crazy ‘Bout This Store!

Intruder (1989)

It’s wacky tobacky time in the attic of the Walnut Lake Market, with Scott Spiegel’s gross-ery store (price) slasher, Intruder—aka Night Crew: The Final Checkout, which marks a dip into the bloody funny pool belonging to Sam&Bruce&Scotty&Ted. Sam Raimi-buddy and early years comrade, Spiegel (co-writer of Evil Dead II) directs the director here, in an innovative, feature version of his Super-8 short, Night Crew—the story and producer credit going to original Tarantino collaborator, Lawrence Bender. Despite the lame tussles, and dumbbell silliness, Intruder’s inventive, OTT kills, keen visual sense, and the fact it’s utterly aware of itself, elevate it beyond the typical, routine amateurism of its ilk.

Spiegel, and DoP, Fernando Argüelles, chuck the kitchen sink at the cinematography, with Dutch angles galore, crash zooms abound, a pervading, ominously voyeuristic atmosphere is achieved, using disorienting perspectives, quirky, creative match cuts from stabbings to watermelon slicings, a shopping trolley cleverly framed like a jail cell, a cracking price gun transition, countless, brilliantly lit and staged reflections, impossible mirror shots, where we puzzlingly don’t glimpse the camera. I admire its unbridled imagination. There’s evidence of an acute directorial eye behind the lens, with Scotty taking the bloody baton from Sam, and running with it like a kid with sharp scissors. To a lesser degree than Dead By Dawn in terms of sheer cinematic execution, but its attention to angles takes the cake, eats it, regurgitates it, then takes it again—with (deep breath) bin-cam, fireplace-cam, hydraulic press-cam, pervert-cam, cash register-cam, mop and bucket-cam, seemingly dead body-cam, and cling film-cam, all leading to an enjoyable game of, “Whose Perspective Is It Anyway?”

Back in ‘89, the director’s cut was illegal in the UK, so make sure you snag the uncut, 88 minute version. It boasts a body count of nine, for those amongst you asking, “How many killin’s?” Like a cringe-inducing cleaver between the fingers, the KNB team is let loose, with some truly disgustingly grisly slayings. So, if you want to witness the infamous “bandsaw lobotomy” with a high-powered meat slicer, a Sting on a magazine cover jump scare—twice, a turn by Renée Estevez—sister to Charlie and Emilio, and daughter of Martin Sheen, Darkman’s Dan Hicks, persistent phantom laundry detergent falling off a shelf, Bruce Campbell and Lawrence Bender as cops, “Gregory” Nicotero as “Townie in Car,” a creative murderer, who neatly re-stacks paper towels, the wunderkind director of The Evil Dead getting hoyed through a Diet Pepsi stand, head-squashing, hook-impaling, eyeball-squishing, goretastic, meaty chunks of torsos and legs in boxes, and a severed hand in a lobster tank, Intruder will oblige.

Death by Stereo

The Lost Boys (1987)

Anyone who’s ever upped and moved to a new town recognises The Lost Boys’ eighties, tropey Karate Kid vibes. I responded immediately to the plight of the Emersons—not because I ever relocated myself as a child, but as I’m from Catterick Village—ten minutes from Catterick Garrison, which remains the biggest army base in the UK, my school friends’ dads would regularly get posted, meaning they were history. I was relieved to have stability—to feel comfortable, but it was always sad to lose friends so often. This was also the first film in my life that induced a nightmare, and without me even seeing the full film. It was merely a trailer, or a clip, which showed the vampiric lads initiating Michael into their flying bloodsucker gang by dangling beneath violently juddering tracks, as an approaching train neared, until the inevitable happened, and their weakening grips faltered, sending them plummeting into a misty abyss—only their voices still carried, undead; alive in the wind. In my dream, I was also hanging from the same rattling rails, and unless I let go in time, would’ve had my fingers severed. Of course, as soon as the rollicking train was overhead, I woke up startled.

I don’t know what planet this is—Planet Schumacher, I suppose, but I don’t care. It’s so compelling to watch, and his liberal use of the fantastical has a welcoming, inviting feel. Yeah, it goes haywire. On one hand, you’ve got Corey Haim singing in the bath, and on the other, Jason Patric, going full, existential Brando, amid a junkie crisis, and it amazingly plays. It’s a remarkably odd fluctuation, and combination of tones, but it works. It turns farcical at the end, but wraps up excitingly with a final, action-packed sequence. The comedy lands, there’s enough at the core, enough subversion, and it’s enough of an update to the vampire subgenre, with a myriad of improvements and additions. Vampires have always had an applicability—they’re a readymade device for exploring the human condition. Although ever-evolving, the vampire lore archetypes are pre-established, and well-known by audiences, so Schumacher could immediately play with them here—the nature of the half vampire, garlic, holy water, crucifixes, transparent reflections, hypnotic abilities, inviting a vampire into your home renders you powerless, regenerative healing, sunlight burns their flesh, the ability to fly, and the bat bit, where the guys are all kipping upside down, hanging from the rafters. It’s a movie that cleverly adopts certain tropes, and discards others.

Is The Lost Boys, in fact, a gay parable? I believe it to, at the very least, contain elements of one. The openly homosexual helmer, Joel Schumacher (FlatlinersFalling DownPhone Booth), hung a poster of Rob Lowe with his midriff out in Sam’s room, which again, could be some kind of in-joke, or nod, as he was in the director’s previous picture, St. Elmo’s Fire. I don’t want to get too Tarantino in Sleep with Me, with his Top Gun subtext spiel, but it’s all a bit, “Go the gay way,” isn’t it? It’s a forbidden initiation. Michael—with an already established absent father, gets an earring, and a leather jacket, and rides a motorcycle. We don’t have to get into what drinking the blood represents. They’re all male surf-Nazis around the bonfire—not a female in sight, just lustful looks and liquid spurts—like a decadent, fires of hell urge that Michael miraculously manages to resist. He’s essentially watching a gay orgy at that point, and fighting his powerful, preternatural desire to participate. It’s not a battle for Michael’s soul; it’s a battle for his sexuality—it’s David versus Star. The “appetizer” reefer offering in the cave lair is crucial, because if you remove the joint, that particular scene could be interpreted as being covertly about peer pressure and drug or alcohol use, but because the filmmakers included weed, it arguably becomes metaphorical for a sexual initiation. This is right about where Schumacher’s childish, “Goonies go vampire” (sorta) romp turns politically subversive. Theories aside, it’s certainly about our fear of people who, more generally speaking, live outside the mainstream—whether it’s entirely sexuality-based, or broader.

As the World Falls Down

Labyrinth (1986)

Jim Henson’s directorial opus, Labyrinth, when dissected, has the logic of a dream, contained to an adolescent girl’s bedroom—a safe, anxiety nightmare fable, existing solely in her imagination, about friendship, being extremely careful what you wish for, a fear of abandonment, father issues, letting go of life’s expectations, and not allowing trepidations to gain power over you. As the film concludes, it becomes evident everything we witness was plucked from Sarah’s powerful, frustrated female imagination. She conjures up the entire narrative in a desperate attempt to process and understand her predicament—just as each night we process our lives in sleep states. Sarah “should” have a date, but doesn’t, and with Jareth’s entitled vocalisation of her own concerns reverberating through an uncertain teenage mind—”I ask for so little. Just let me rule you, and you can have everything you want. Just fear me, love me, do as I say—and I will be your slave,” who could blame her? Believing that’s what relationships demand, Bowie as Jareth—the snug-jodhpur’d Goblin King, becomes her mental construction, even appearing in Sarah’s scrapbook.

As with many of the Muppet movies, there’s a superb screenplay, which doesn’t pander to younger audiences, and retains a Python panache and delivery, courtesy of Terry Jones. I love the diversity of accents on show—everything from cockney, to Scottish, some even sound Italian, Spanish, and Japanese, others Jamaican. I’ll be damned if someone, or something, doesn’t utter the phrase, “Your mother is a fucking aardvark,” and I’ll die on that profane hill. Amid the fun and games, there are several authentically cinematic moments, including the gravity-defying, Dutch-angled, Escheresque “Within You” sequence, the scary descent into the cavern of the helping hands, the Bog of Eternal Stench’s art and sound design, the truly frightening goblin abduction of baby Toby, the psychedelic, head-tossing Fireys, and Bowie himself—all bulge, owl eyebrows, trademark teeth, and dualtone eyes, performing “Underground,” “Magic Dance,” and my fave—the underrated, “As the World Falls Down.”

Our eighties Alice—the 16-year-old Sarah, takes her life for granted, she chucks bratty tantrums, but her innate kindness wins through. The mention of the “oubliette”—a dungeon to place people, in order to forget about them, becomes an eternally powerful and emotional concept the older we get. As does the line, “Should you need us,” which never fails to move me. Sarah’s loyal companions from her journey are all present in her room—and likely always were. It’s Snow WhiteThe Wizard of Oz, Lewis Carroll, Hans Christian Andersen—an endearing melding of everything fairytale fantasy. Don’t eat Hoggle’s peach; make an annual appointment with the Four Guards, the Door Knockers, the Wiseman, Sir Didymus—a fox-terrier and his loyal canine steed, Ambrosius, Ludo—a benign beast, Hoggle—a fairy-snuffing dwarf in a leather waistcoat, who enjoys plastic jewellery and pissing in ponds, Bowie’s prominent crotch, and indulge in some goblin-kicking, and baby-throwing this All Hallows’ Eve.

Sardine?

The ‘Burbs (1989)

Join me for, “a week in Jonestown,” with The ‘Burbs—which skews us nicely into the unmistakable realm of a real, childhood filmmaking staple of mine, Joe Dante—director of GremlinsGremlins 2: The New Batch, and Innerspace. Here, a slightly peculiar-looking Universal logo morphs, as we track in until we’re directly over a neighbourhood—not dissimilar to my own cul-de-sac as a kid, albeit giant-sized and Americana-fied, complete with spinny sprinklers, a mornin’ cuppa Joe, and a paperboy straight out of the ‘80s computer game. Already, the film’s lofty statements on comfort and country are steadily unfurling. The clinking and clanking of the score accompanies the continuing push-in to a fantastic miniature, as a harpsichord plays, and a basement ignites with light, as we’re introduced to our man of the hour, and hero of the piece—Tom Hanks’ pajama-clad, Ray Peterson. Yes, Mr. Peterson makes fun of hydrocephalus sufferers, and impulsively chucks coffee at kids, but he’s a decent man—he just wants to hang around the house and be lazy.

The zany, whacked-out Dante tone mostly consists of a blend of heightened slapstick, or jet black humour, light moments of clever comedy, along with elaborate action scenes, and horror-inspired surrealism, such as Ray’s freaky ‘burbsmare—featuring cannibals, and a satanic, Idi Amin BBQ, dream sacrifice with a chainsaw. Clearly inspired by vintage animation, Art’s body-shaped hole in the shed roof, is straight out of Roadrunner—fitting, as Dante would go on to make Looney Tunes: Back in Action in 2003. The ‘Burbs‘ use of classic horror tropes and homages, such as The Exorcist, and Leatherface on the TV, the crooked porch swing that’s straight outta The Texas Chain Saw Massacre, or The Evil Dead, owls hoot, ominous clonks resound, and echoes of The Addams Family, and The Munsters are loud and clear, and The Klopek’s interior uses canted framing—the Dutch, to articulate that something’s off, as Ray and Art do their breaking and and entering bit. This isn’t really a shock from the director of Piranha, and The Howling, but what’s magnificent about Dante is his seamless blending of disparate qualities to communicate his unique vision, and retain the levity of the picture. He shepherds this Dante mood with flair and poise, and manages to maintain his distinct voice. It’s enviable—to take material like this, carve out a personal perspective, and never let it overpower the story—just compliment, and flavour it. Dante’s awareness of cinema in general means we feel as if we’re in safe, knowledgeable hands. He’s a filmmaker who has studied movies, and therefore knows when to hit us with the clichés, and when to veer away for maximum surprise, and satisfaction. The spaghetti western reference, where he tracks in on Queenie the dog, says it all, and reminds us exactly where he stands. It’s all for fun—film-literate fun. 

The ensemble is a dream. First and foremost, as obvious as it may be to state, one of my absolute favourite actors of all-time is Tom Hanks. His mile-a-minute mind, and exasperation expressed with faux-yelling, an erratic crushing of beer cans, and hysterically yelping like Woody in Toy Story. Hanks emerging from the Klopek’s nightmare inferno house like a half-destroyed T-800 is always hilarious, as are his pitch-perfect, cacophonous, sardine allergy sneezes. Actor and comedian, Rick Ducommun, as Art Weingardner, is no doubt an acquired taste—but in small doses, as seen here, he’s actually excellently cast. Nutty, crotchety veteran war machine, Mr. Rumsfield (Bruce Dern), has the coolest title credit bestowed upon him, and the foxy Wendy Schaal as the scantily-clad, no-tanlined, Mrs. Rumsfield charms as per. Carrie Fisher is more than welcome as Carol Peterson—in a decent, kinda maternal role, as Ray’s put upon wife, sick of his nosiness and unhealthy obsessions with the batty neighbours, which she pairs marvellously with a cool detachment, and simultaneous understanding. Finally, Corey Feldman dials in one of his better performances as Ricky—a chirpy, chipper, stoner dude, who relishes in the ensuing suburban drama, loves his street, and boasts it’s better than television.

The Klopeks represent everyone we ever wondered about. Have you ever hypothesised about someone’s nocturnal habits? Are they unusual, or are we? Are we the lunatics? There’s a profound statement in there—it just takes one nosy parker to start the fire of paranoia, then it spreads via fear. Fear of foreigners, and new residents in the cul-de-sac, and a crippling fear of differences, and standing out in any way at all. Then finally, just when you thought it was safe, The ‘Burbs’ death rattle wrap-up ultimately echoes Kurt Cobain—via Catch-22’s rich sentiment of, “Just because you’re paranoid, doesn’t mean they’re not after you.”

You Only Moved the Headstones!

Poltergeist (1982)

With any luck, this one will have you cowering under your Star Wars bed sheets. Another film seen too young—Tobe Hooper’s ghost-directed (or was it?) suburban disaster sees the Freeling family terrorised by entities, after moving into a new residence, you guessed it—situated on an ancient, American Indian burial ground. Something’s bending the cutlery and it ain’t Uri Geller—actually, that may have been worse. Cue eerie whispers, swirling room furniture, doors opening and closing on their own, tables arranging themselves, chairs gliding across kitchen floors—then before long, gigantic black twisters, a clutching tree kidnapping, and a creepy clown bed attack. Dad, Steve (Craig T. Nelson)—whose property development company, Cuesta Verde Estates, built the houses—evidently oblivious to the fact that profiting from something that does not belong to you may result in supernatural karma of the highest order—and mum, Diane (JoBeth Williams) are the pot-smoking Reaganite parents. Is Poltergeist anti-American? It’s certainly a tale of greed, and sacrilegious disrespect. Horror has utilised the trope—now cliché, of Native American vengeance to death—most notably here, and also in Stanley Kubrick’s The Shining. Granted, it’s played out now, but looking back, it was revealing a country’s guilt, and a desire to process—punish itself perhaps, for the nation’s sins of the past. I’m certain the “Star-Spangled Banner” outset is no accident. Nor is the (room) 2:37 TV clock time, which, again, connects Poltergeist to Kubrick’s tackling of the Native American genocide via ghost-revenge in his picture, just two years previous. While we’re addressing influences, I noticed some stolen techniques—namely the spinning gimbal room à la A Nightmare on Elm Street, and the suggestive, Exorcist-style shirt-lifting violation. Conversely, Poltergeist also evidently paved the way for, and influenced Sam Raimi’s supernatural sequel, Evil Dead 2: Dead by Dawn—with Diane’s traumatic streak of grey Ash hair, the “apple head,” a house demolishing itself, a room-sucking vortex, and the crossover involvement of effects maestro, Mark Shostrom.

Poltergeist, aka A Nightmare on E.T.’s Street (soz), was notoriously nerve-racking—an infamous film, in fact, for me as a child, and happened to be released on the year of my birth. It made TV static scary, and was another cinematographic mood-setter I pinched for my short, The Self-SeersPoltergeist is arguably too talky, a tad slow, and drags in the middle—whilst a certain cherubic character remains lost in limbo, waiting to go into the light without a guide, the movie sadly does the same. However, stand out scenes include majestic, matte painting storm fronts, impossible corridor trombone shots, wee hobgoblina, Tangina Barrons (Zelda Rubinstein) adds a new dimension 😉 and brings a real, memorable presence 😉 to the picture, Predator madman, Sonny Landham, appears as a pervy pool worker, the excess of the muddy swimming pool corpse-skeleton scares, and the bit where the Spielbeard doppelgänger pulls his own face-meat off to reveal the skull beneath.

Spielberg’s story, screenplay, and producing roles—plus the fact his visual style is prevalent throughout—the familiar, E.T.-tinged, grand scale, Hollywood gloss of Poltergeist‘s BMX paperboy suburbia, the Kate Capshaw-esque mum, the Raiders-style TV people, and Spielberg regular, Michael Kahn, on editing duties, didn’t help rumours of Spielbergian aid—and even alleged “interference.” So, did a clause in the beard’s Extra Terrestrial contract prevent him from making another movie while in pre-production? Was it just a Steven Spielberg production—or perhaps more? Was Hooper left to his own very capable devices, or did Steven call the shots? These directorial step-in claims have been dismissed by big Tobe Hooper guy, Mick Garris, but more-or-less confirmed by one of Poltergeist‘s actual crew members, John Leonetti—director of 2014’s Annabelle. Loath as I am to print and propagate the myth, it’s clearly still a point of contention—believed by some, dismissed by just as many. Whatever the truth may be, when we factor in this auteur speculation, Poltergeist becomes a far more interesting piece to analyse.